Expertly written and all, I think I can tell who it belongs to.

Very hard criteria here but you have everything here - beginning middle and end. A girl that must be punished and she does get what she deserves as you build up to it nicely.

Not sure about the last bit though - Vagrant poking her phone. It sends my thoughts in all kind of direction. I start thinking why etc. I think the end should be definite. Might be just me.

Great work.

So I didn't like this as much as everyone else did, apparently.

Granted, this is a very tough category, and the writer has mad skills, so this review is more like grading an AP calculus paper...

I think the writer used the excuse of no dialogue to stray really far into prosaic writing. Many asides and descriptions that kind of labor the point that was already made.  For example, you take 2 pages to set this woman up as self-absorbed, when it could have been done in far less time, with more time then devoted to the actual story. And the 'making the mother proud, but not tonight, tonight she's a hot mess'. Just way overwritten. Good writing, but not necessarily screenwriting, where the writing sets up a shot.

Another example - everyone talks a lot about narrative, and how each block connotes an image in the director's head. It's a good rule of thumb. Not a law as some state, but a good way to think about writing visually.

So we get a paragraph of narrative where at the end we're told that ' she hikes her miniskirt to her waist and straddles over the turnstile.' Next paragraph tells us that she's concerned that someone saw her cartoon underwear. Which technically we would have seen in the prior shot before it was told to us in the narrative that she had cartoon underwear on. Things like this.

Not really sure there's a story here either. Homeless man is a monster and grabs someone that we're pretty much set up to not care about. And it's a 3.5 page script, so you had plenty of time to deliver a lot more creep factor between shortening some of the narratives and taking advantage of the page count.

Thanks for feedback guys. This is my first ever short (I write features). It's really friggin' hard to do. You have to plan it out and try to pace it. Try your best to fit everything into the page limit (I think I ended up 1 page under).

Someone was challenging my use of the word "pump". I think it was Anthony...where you at? You scared me. I had to google it. Pumps ARE high heals, get with the program!

So yeah, I think I'd be going out but my opponent didn't write a script so I have a buy into the next round. I really have to step up my game for RO16!

This is pretty great, I'll reread and learn from you.

Quoted from RJP Someone was challenging my use of the word "pump". I think it was Anthony...where you at? You scared me. I had to google it. Pumps ARE high heals, get with the program!

He should have Googled to double check, but it's an easy mistake for a Brit to make as here pumps are things like plimsolls. Even trainers (sneakers) can be called pumps here.

High Heels though are never called pumps here. They're just heels.

You're my opponent this round.  Good luck.

Dsn

Quoted from DanC You're my opponent this round.  Good luck. Dsn

Thanks. Same to you!

Not to be pedantic, but I will be...

Where I'm from:

The difference between pumps and stilettos is in their heel size. Pumps are usually closed-toe or peep-toe with a heel of 1 inch or less. Stilettos on the other hand can be with straps or covered but would definitely have a thin long heel of 1 inch or more.

It's all in the heel size. If you're writing to imply high-heels you're better off using that double barrelled word, or stiletto.

I very much enjoyed the script btw. Great for no dialogue, not easy.

Quoted from LC Not to be pedantic, but I will be... Where I'm from: The difference between pumps and stilettos is in their heel size. Pumps are usually closed-toe or peep-toe with a heel of 1 inch or less. Stilettos on the other hand can be with straps or covered but would definitely have a thin long heel of 1 inch or more. It's all in the heel size. If you're writing to imply high-heels you're better off using that double barrelled word, or stiletto. I very much enjoyed the script btw. Great for no dialogue, not easy.

But google! I googled it and...and...

IMO, pumps can be a 4" heel. It is however always a "modest" closed toe or peep toe. Stilettos are always narrow spikey heels 4" or + but can be any style.

Yes, 'modest' being the operative word.