Eat Fresh by R.J. Patteson (RJP) - Short, Horror - A self-absorbed party girl misses her train. 4 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Well written but a weak story. It's reaching.

Writing: 4
Story: 2.5

Total: 3.25

Newspaper is one word. Sorry, that bugs the hell out of me.

Minor nitpick: verbiage on bum's sign is too long for how I'd picture a bum sign to look, if that makes sense. Maybe kindness appreciated would be better. Anyhow, is the story supposed to be a morality tale, in that she'd have likely lived if she'd given change (or just not been a bitch to him)?

There's a little strangeness in the writing (good lookin', capitalized Mother for no apparent reason) but it's clear enough by me.

Story-wise, it felt a bit uneven. It's creepy enough to be sure, but by page 3 I still didn't have a clear sense of what was happening. Seeing how the page limit is 5, I see that as a negative. The evil ticket vendor was also a little unnecessary, IMO. The monster bum was scary enough on its own. However, I think the whole thing was nicely executed overall. I can certainly visualize it.

In the first two paragraphs, you tell us the character is trying hard to do two different things. It just reads weird to me like that. These actions should be combined into a shorter paragraph that gets to the point.

In the beginning of the story she pulls out her phone - nothing special. But then later she does it again, and you point out the brand new Hello Kitty case...not sure why you didn't mention this at the first instance we saw the phone.

Way too many mundane details filling up the pages. Throughout the story, she walks through the turnstile and down a platform...that's it. Just seemed like the story could have been condensed into just two pages.

Writing - 3/5
Story - 2/5

Total - 2.5

I love how the story was told and I liked how it ended. But I didn't like how the character was made to be. I wish you would have given the woman a more well-rounded personality. When we read stories about people who seem all negatives with no positive traits, we careless about them. Even making them pay the price provoke no emotions in us. If only you allowed us to know more about her, the story could have had a stronger impact on us.

Why didn't you use dialogue at all? Was it a requirement? I really felt a need to hear her say something for some reason. Maybe because I wanted to know more about her. I don't know.

Well done for accomplishing such a well-rounded story within the time given. I can see this turning into a killer short film! Best of luck.

One of the requirements was zero dialogue, and it does that well.

I get why we’re treated to the victim’s misdeeds... she’s not the “innocent” archetype. I was half-expecting a public safety sign in the background that said, “Littering on the tracks: It’s not just rude, it’s dangerous.” Glad it wasn’t there, would have ruined the mood.

I agree the transit worker was unnecessary. Could have popped up to the surface, hear the racket, the few people up there either have headphones or ignore it.

Great work hitting the requirements of this challenge!

Wow. Reading this and all I can think is how I wish I could write this good.

The no dialogue was handled extremely well. Despite no lines being spoken, the woman still has character and we know her pretty well just through actions alone. Show, don't tell expertly applied.

This is a pretty standard story, monster in a scary place. But it's told so expertly well that it's not a problem.  

Also, LOVE the title. Subway - Eat fresh. Get it? GET IT?

Excellent.

This was a great little story. Using no dialogue really worked here. I personally liked the ticket vendor being in on the show. Too bad it was predictable that the vagrant would be the bad guy here, but I still liked how everything turned out. Your writing was well done too. Good job.

When I read no dialog was the requirement I said OMG I'm glad I didn't get this one.  

That's so hard.  

You picked a good topic and story to go with no dialog.  It was decent.  

I would have preferred to see her eat in front of him, while he's got the sign up, and make eye contact and ignore him after that.

Show her being more of a self-absorbed bitch...  That way we care.  As another reader said, when all you show are negatives, you don't form a bond.  Again, very hard with no dialog, but, you never know what your big break will look like.

Great job entering and for a really hard parameter.

Dan

Reasonable effort and cleanly written... one nitpick, and I'm no shoe expert... but didn't think pumps had heels, thought the point of pumps was that they were flat?

Hard parameters really well handled.

I quite enjoyed this one. I did feel it was overly descriptive with a lot of asides, but I think it’s easy to let that slide considering the no dialogue angle.

Congrats.

Where’s the poll and parameters for this one and it’s partner?

Quoted from stevie Where’s the poll and parameters for this one and it’s partner?

It doesn’t have a partner. Either didn’t enter or failed to meet the requirements.

Ah cheers Waz

Ok just read it. Did well if no dialogue was a requirement. What were the others - subway, horror?   Anyway it was written well by a competent author but didn’t really bring anything new to the table.

No dialogue, that’s impressive!

This would have been a really fun challenge. Not easy though.

I think you did it really well; your descriptions are very vivid.

It was an enjoyable read.

Congratulations.

Expertly written and all, I think I can tell who it belongs to.

Very hard criteria here but you have everything here - beginning middle and end. A girl that must be punished and she does get what she deserves as you build up to it nicely.

Not sure about the last bit though - Vagrant poking her phone. It sends my thoughts in all kind of direction. I start thinking why etc. I think the end should be definite. Might be just me.

Great work.

So I didn't like this as much as everyone else did, apparently.

Granted, this is a very tough category, and the writer has mad skills, so this review is more like grading an AP calculus paper...

I think the writer used the excuse of no dialogue to stray really far into prosaic writing. Many asides and descriptions that kind of labor the point that was already made.  For example, you take 2 pages to set this woman up as self-absorbed, when it could have been done in far less time, with more time then devoted to the actual story. And the 'making the mother proud, but not tonight, tonight she's a hot mess'. Just way overwritten. Good writing, but not necessarily screenwriting, where the writing sets up a shot.

Another example - everyone talks a lot about narrative, and how each block connotes an image in the director's head. It's a good rule of thumb. Not a law as some state, but a good way to think about writing visually.

So we get a paragraph of narrative where at the end we're told that ' she hikes her miniskirt to her waist and straddles over the turnstile.' Next paragraph tells us that she's concerned that someone saw her cartoon underwear. Which technically we would have seen in the prior shot before it was told to us in the narrative that she had cartoon underwear on. Things like this.

Not really sure there's a story here either. Homeless man is a monster and grabs someone that we're pretty much set up to not care about. And it's a 3.5 page script, so you had plenty of time to deliver a lot more creep factor between shortening some of the narratives and taking advantage of the page count.

Thanks for feedback guys. This is my first ever short (I write features). It's really friggin' hard to do. You have to plan it out and try to pace it. Try your best to fit everything into the page limit (I think I ended up 1 page under).

Someone was challenging my use of the word "pump". I think it was Anthony...where you at? You scared me. I had to google it. Pumps ARE high heals, get with the program!

So yeah, I think I'd be going out but my opponent didn't write a script so I have a buy into the next round. I really have to step up my game for RO16!

This is pretty great, I'll reread and learn from you.

Quoted from RJP Someone was challenging my use of the word "pump". I think it was Anthony...where you at? You scared me. I had to google it. Pumps ARE high heals, get with the program!

He should have Googled to double check, but it's an easy mistake for a Brit to make as here pumps are things like plimsolls. Even trainers (sneakers) can be called pumps here.

High Heels though are never called pumps here. They're just heels.

You're my opponent this round.  Good luck.

Dsn

Quoted from DanC You're my opponent this round.  Good luck. Dsn

Thanks. Same to you!

Not to be pedantic, but I will be...

Where I'm from:

The difference between pumps and stilettos is in their heel size. Pumps are usually closed-toe or peep-toe with a heel of 1 inch or less. Stilettos on the other hand can be with straps or covered but would definitely have a thin long heel of 1 inch or more.

It's all in the heel size. If you're writing to imply high-heels you're better off using that double barrelled word, or stiletto.

I very much enjoyed the script btw. Great for no dialogue, not easy.

Quoted from LC Not to be pedantic, but I will be... Where I'm from: The difference between pumps and stilettos is in their heel size. Pumps are usually closed-toe or peep-toe with a heel of 1 inch or less. Stilettos on the other hand can be with straps or covered but would definitely have a thin long heel of 1 inch or more. It's all in the heel size. If you're writing to imply high-heels you're better off using that double barrelled word, or stiletto. I very much enjoyed the script btw. Great for no dialogue, not easy.

But google! I googled it and...and...

IMO, pumps can be a 4" heel. It is however always a "modest" closed toe or peep toe. Stilettos are always narrow spikey heels 4" or + but can be any style.

Yes, 'modest' being the operative word.