Tweakers by 0 - Short, Crime - Meth-head grave robbers wind up nowhere near the eightball. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

It’s an interesting premise, but the one problem I have is how will the security guard know when to show up as it says in the letter? Is he on guard 24/7?  Other than that, I thought it was a fairly solid story with an interesting hook. Easily filmed, but I would try to find a re-working of that plot hole.

Best of luck,
Gary

Haha, that was crazy. That is one seriously messed up family. I liked it a lot.

Tweakers

Funny. Better call this a comedy perhaps? The punch line is on the right track.
3

Liked this, but more comedy for me.

I liked this for what it was worth. Wish there was more to it, but with the one-page rule it's a good little tale. Why is it important that Billy has an abscess on his upper lip? I thought that that was gonna go somewhere, but it seemed like an unnecessary detail, unless I'm missing something.

Tweakers creep me out.

Good one. Logline gives too much away so the reveal is expected. Still entertaining, though. Good work.

Quoted from Zombie Sean Why is it important that Billy has an abscess on his upper lip? I thought that that was gonna go somewhere, but it seemed like an unnecessary detail, unless I'm missing something.

As I saw it, that belongs to his characterization, depicting him as someone who's on hard drugs, methamphetamine and such. Those people have those skin irritations and open wounds.

At least that's how I saw it here, could be wrong of course. I actually found it a good way to help establish their drug-related crime angle...

This is funny. I loved the twist here. Maybe if you had the second page you could go further with it, he could scare them away by saying there's a bomb in his casket. They run away, then read that he's kidding and only then say someone will come for them now.
just a suggestion.
I really liked it.

Quoted from PrussianMosby As I saw it, that belongs to his characterization, depicting him as someone who's on hard drugs, methamphetamine and such. Those people have those skin irritations and open wounds. At least that's how I saw it here, could be wrong of course. I actually found it a good way to help establish their drug-related crime angle...

I saw it as that way too but wasn't entirely sure. Maybe Cara could have a twitch to her or something. I guess the boniness of her stature is tweakish enough, though.

The very last word of dialogue saved it for me.

Not sure the security guard being there is overly logical. How long would he wait? What if they only came for the gold in 2 months?

Take the logic issue out of it and it’s an enjoyable read.

Not bad - solid writing for the most part - a complete story

Great writing, I think I know the owner.

It’s a good effort for a page. I thought the language in the note was a bit strange for a father, but other than that it was pretty good.

Reminds me a little of "The Gift of the Magi."  These two open the grave to steal Dad's gold teeth to buy meth, but Dad sold the gold before his death to hire someone to catch them in the act.

Writer,

Another good one. I would’ve worked on that ending to have the figure/security guard in the scene, but hey, whatever. It still works good. Nice job.

Steve

Those are some ambitious crackheads to dig their father out of the grave for some gold crowns! Maybe the story would be better realized if the treasure was something more substantial. Although, pulling teeth from a dead person paints a pathetic picture so maybe you were on to something.

-Good job!

Too many plot holes for me.

So if he's buried in a casket, he has some money. Even the lower line models are a couple grand.

If the kids are his next of kin, chances are they'd be included on the burial plans.

So we have to believe that he had a wife or another child who was able to successfully keep away these two black sheep.

Guess I'm reading too much into this, but the point is that there was probably plenty of time for someone to remove his gold teeth before he was buried.

Cute idea, a little creepy - not sure it's plausible though. Have to think about the rating for this one.

Interesting.

I like it, nicely put together.  This has is more of a comedy crime caper.  But hey ho.  Good job.

Ok, where'd my post disappear to?

I was only brief...

I like it!

Needs a final reaction shot imh.

I can't add anything else.  Solid 4 from me.

Dan