Memories of Goodbye by Raymond Belair - Short, Temporal Reality - Childhood sweethearts say goodbye and share memories yet to be made. 5 pages - pdf, format

Hello Raymond,

That's a good story.  Well told and quick to read.  I had to do a doublecheck as one moment they were teens the next adults.  I liked it.

All the best,


Javier

Hey Raymond,

This was a nice script, well written, i like your description and the dialogue was very good.
The story actually is pretty simple nothing new to it, but this isn't my problem. See, i had a big problem recognizing when were they kids and when were they adults, you don't say it there. I guess you might have wanted to read like this, so they could be adults since the beginning of the script. Not really sure

Nevertheless, I did really enjoy your script.

Best

Hey boys n girls,

Thanks for the read and the comments so far!

Okay, here's the trick (I included a note with the log line, but it doesn't look like it made it in).  They are kids throughout the scene - there are no adults on screen.  There is a shift where the kids are speaking as their future selves.  I know this is very confusing on the page, but as I envision it, I'm hoping it will make more sense on screen (you'll see them as kids speaking the "adult" lines).  Perhaps disorienting at first, I concede, but as the scene progresses I think (I hope) people will be able to get it.  I'm willing to concede that I may be totally off base here, but I'm sort of counting on the intelligence of the short film audience to be able to cross this gap of temporal reality, as it were.

Thanks again to everyone for help on this one.

-RayB

You have a nifty little dream-like scenario here, but sometimes I curse myself when I read comments prior to the script.

I was never confused by the script, but I had prior knowledge of your intent, so I cannot help you out as to whether or not that is working.  Sorry.  Had I read this cold, I am not sure if I would have been confused or not.  Perhaps a bit.  Hard to say.

What I can tell you is the writing is crisp, with many details I enjoyed.  The double use of steel in the opening.  Approaching each other on the monkey bars, and the world upside down.  Both of those are great.

Not much gets resolved here, and we wonder if they will ever meet again -- either in life or this dreamworld of theirs.

The script works well as it is, but given the context surrounding the script, it might be nice if you could briefly work in some way to seal the deal of true closure.  A sense that they are moving forward without doubts and regrets.  But maybe that is not truly fair to the characters, and if you disagree with doing that, I would also see why.

A very small complaint and easy fix is to let us know that Jess is a girl.  It becomes clear soon enough, of course, but again, had I read this cold, I am pretty sure I would have had a brief WTF moment when they started talking about other boys.

This is good.  I have been too busy to read much lately -- but I have noticed you dropping some very good feedback on the works of others -- which is often how I select authors to read -- so I might dig up some of your others in the future.

I read this and it remind me of an idea I was kicking around for years but abandoned it because I couldn't think what to do with it. It involved a couple who are sort of stuck together and compelled to be togehter but not in a sexual way. They keep meeting each other in parks and such. Then I read your script and BANG, there is the same basic idea right there in front of me.

I really like the emotion flowing in your story, the feeling between Adam and Jess.  You get a sense of their affection for each other and their loss.

I thought each scene represented a year in their life where they keep coming back to meet at the same place. But you expalin it in diffrent way.

Temporal reality? What the hell is that? Did you make that up? Now that you have explain it I want to see this short filmed and posted on Youtube or where ever. I want to see if your vision of this short will work or not.

I don't care how intelligent the audience is, I reckon when they sit and watch your short and see kids sprout adult dialouge and act mature, it's gonna do their heads in. They're gonna flip out and pull a open mouth goldfish expression.

Me personally thinks that is kind of cool and I want to see it. I like weird and I like getting my head kicked in by big abstract boot ever now and then.

Do you have access to a video cam, two teens and a monkey bar?

    

Quoted from bert I was never confused by the script, but I had prior knowledge of your intent, so I cannot help you out as to whether or not that is working.

Yeah, this is a tough point with this script.  Everyone I've had read it (before posting) has assumed that they switch to being physically adults as some point.  I totally undestand this, but it is only their dialogue that changes - never in the script is this physical change indicated.  This is why I was hoping it would be clearer on screen - we will see that they are still kids, and just need to wrap our heads around the disjunction of them talking like adults.

Quoted from bert Not much gets resolved here, and we wonder if they will ever meet again -- either in life or this dreamworld of theirs.

I totally agree with this - spot on observation.  I think I got the mood I was looking for with this first draft, but you are right - there definately needs to be something more going on.  Not sure how I want to approach this yet, but you've got me thinking in the right direction.  Thanks for that.

Quoted from bert A very small complaint and easy fix is to let us know that Jess is a girl.  It becomes clear soon enough, of course, but again, had I read this cold, I am pretty sure I would have had a brief WTF moment when they started talking about other boys.

Another good point I hadn't considered!  I'll make that fix.

Thanks for the read and the great feedback!

Quoted from tonkatough Do you have access to a video cam, two teens and a monkey bar?

I don't really have any desire to direct or be a filmmaker, but if I get this one right I might just be tempted to try.  God help me.

Thanks for the read and the helpful feedback!

-Ray

rjbelair

This was great for a five pager. The writing was soft & gentle with that underlying presence of bitterness & regret very well conveyed.

I think the main problem has been toched upon above about the unclear transformation to adults but a two minute edit would solve this.

JESS
When we were little this all seemed
so high up.

That above line should tell us enough but if you slotted in "20 years later" or whatever the time lapse is instead of just "later" in the slugline that would sort out any confusion.

JESS
I don't hate her, I just think she's
a skank.

Given the subtle exchanges between both characters "skank" seemed an overtly strong word but I suppose its just her emotional response to the thought of Adam being with someone else.

Ya this was very good, man I really liked it. Gets better with repeated reads which is always a good sign.

Cheers.

Col.

Bravo!

This maybe my favorite five pager ever.  Actually, it's probably one of my favorites of all time.  I really loved how much emotion was put into it and it actually made my heart kind of hurt.

True, I walked away feeling sad and depressed, but that's a personal thing I won't get into.  This really impressed me.

Luckily, I'm one of those who read the scripts first and comments after, so I had no idea what to expect.  I caught on right away that they were children throughout and I thought it was really cool and it would definately work onscreen with the children and their VERY mature lines.

And I did get the idea that that was the end for them, with her talking about her husband and what not and how they never even kissed.  I was almost cheering for them to kiss at the end, eventhough I knew it wasn't coming.

Excellent, excellent short, Raymond.

- Mark

I normally don't do this.  If a writer asks me to remove a script, I quietly delete it.  However, it is cold and I'm cranky and I need a bit of good news.  Raymond's script, Memories of Goodbye, was optioned, which is why it has been removed from the site.  The fact that his script was optioned had nothing to do with the fact that it was posted to SimplyScripts.  It is just a bit of good news that I wanted to share.  

Don

Congrats Raymond, well done indeed.

If anyone still has a copy of this and wanted to throw it my way I would be grateful.

children swinging on a monkey bar, spouting adult dialouge.

Awesome! I finally get to see this script as a short film.

And that's how it should be cause this was a nice script.

Hi All,

Thanks for the mention, Don.  

The option is a "no money" deal with a UK director who is interested in going the festival route with this once filmed.  He found the screenplay here at SimplyScripts, which is awesome.  I think the script still needs some work (based on the feedback the kind folks here have provided), but I think the fact that it is short, one location, and only requires 2 actors makes in appealing to filmmakers with limited resources.

I'll keep you posted if this project comes to fruition.  Thanks to everyone for their help and support!

-RayB

P.S. GM Giles - if you want to take a look at the script you can click on the Scriptography link in my signature.

Hi Ray,

congratulations!!

just curious tho... is this director/producer's name Will Walters by any chance?

Also, since this script wasn't sold or "optioned" (money exchanged) I don't see why you had to remove your script. It is still yours, right?

Anyway, I'm happy for you. I remember reading it at MP. It was very good.