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The October One Week Challenge scripts are being posted here
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Heyo, Javier. I think this script has some potential, but it isn't quite there yet. Some of your wording and sentences are just awkward, like:
"The leaves rustle in the breeze, signalling a drop in temperature."
Do you really need to explain that it signals a drop in temperature? Phil's line right after that explains it.
"Phil cast his eyes cast over Marieís lips,"
Should be: Phil casts his eyes over Marie's lips.
"Blood drips from his nose, breaking the silence. He opens his eyes slowly."
How exactly can a few drops of blood break a silence? It's the impact of the blood against the ground I assume, but without that it feels weird.
"Phil dressed in ripped jeans, ripped shirt and damaged shoes, pulls back a sleeve,"
Why not just "Phil, dressed in tattered clothes, pulls back a sleeve"?
I thought the newspaper clipping was a little too convenient. It seems odd that Phil would act so confused when Marie disappears, but then pull out the newspaper he remembered he has to remind him of what happened.
"He lets go of the cutting as he tries to grab it back from the windís grasp."
I don't understand that line at all. Is he letting go of the cutting or grabbing it?
I thought you had a good idea here and it could definitely be good, it just has a few little things that could use some work.
"There's usually some experiments with waffles." - Barack Obama
Really enjoyed this one. For such a little short, you packed quite a bit into it. The other people who have read, and commented above me have all made very valid points, so I will try not to repeat what has already been said...
Some of the stuff you wrote in descriptions/ actions would be hard to film... How do you show us that a pain "shoots down his arm"? Also, everything that Travis said was valid; I was wondering how a bloodied nose can break the silence?
I also agree with Dogglebe; get rid of the newspaper cutting. I think this would work much better if he just cried, then injected himself again. He could then smile, look happy, and the camera could pan out to reveal him sitting on a bench, in a cemetary or something. That would get the messaged across better IMO.
Also, why does his nose bleed? Bleeding nose isn't (as far as I'm aware) a sympton of heroin-abuse; it's a sympton of heavy cocain abuse.
Thanks for the read Travis, Glenn, Tommy, Phil, Toby & Xavier.
I've had mixed reviews on this one. I entered this one into MP and I kinda got the idea from Nik. I didn't have a clue.
The first half of the story Phil has taken herion and has gone into a world of his own. Marie comes to life from his imagination. He doesn't realise what's going on until hours later he snaps out of his imaginary dream. He just has nose bleeds and is not a suppose to be connected with cocaine. The newspaper clipping was to bring him down to planet earth.
If I do a rewrite I'll take the newspaper clipping out and take up Toby's idea.
A little about me.
Back in my student days. A nose bleed or a sound was enough for me to snap out of my own drug induced world.