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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  Alone Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: January 7th, 2009, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Alone by Javier Torregrosa (jayrex) - Short, Drama - Phil's past brings him warmth amongst the cold clear night. 2 pages - pdf, format


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TravisAF
Posted: January 7th, 2009, 9:27pm Report to Moderator
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Heyo, Javier. I think this script has some potential, but it isn't quite there yet. Some of your wording and sentences are just awkward, like:

"The leaves rustle in the breeze, signalling a drop in
temperature."

Do you really need to explain that it signals a drop in temperature? Phil's line right after that explains it.

"Phil cast his eyes cast over Marieís lips,"

Should be: Phil casts his eyes over Marie's lips.

"Blood drips from his nose, breaking the silence. He opens
his eyes slowly."

How exactly can a few drops of blood break a silence? It's the impact of the blood against the ground I assume, but without that it feels weird.

"Phil dressed in ripped jeans, ripped shirt and damaged
shoes, pulls back a sleeve,"

Why not just "Phil, dressed in tattered clothes, pulls back a sleeve"?

I thought the newspaper clipping was a little too convenient. It seems odd that Phil would act so confused when Marie disappears, but then pull out the newspaper he remembered he has to remind him of what happened.

"He lets go of the cutting as he tries to grab it back from
the windís grasp."

I don't understand that line at all. Is he letting go of the cutting or grabbing it?

I thought you had a good idea here and it could definitely be good, it just has a few little things that could use some work.


"There's usually some experiments with waffles."
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Tacet (short) - A young pianist works to overcome his fears.

Neon (short) - An old man speaks to his love in the twilight of life.
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tonkatough
Posted: January 10th, 2009, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
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Some of you wirters are getting a bit to clever for me. He kiss a girl who disapear and was never there in the first place? I had to read this twice to break through the enigma of it.

Spoon, needle, lighter. That's used for taking herion, right? So he is on a high? Obviously misses his girl. pretneds she is there. So he miss his girl and use drugs to curb the pain? Yes?

Didn't enjoy this one. I found it elusive and thin. but it's great to see you are playing around with writing styles and experimenting.

Look forward to when you return to attacking contriversal issues with your brand of humor. Those are my favourite scripts from you.  


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Tommyp
Posted: January 11th, 2009, 2:32am Report to Moderator
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Continuity Is For Pussies...

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Hey Javier. I, like Tonka was a bit confused.

From what I can pick up, he keeps the newspaper clipping as a memory of her, and to try and get over her he takes herion.

What's with the time change? Was the time at night the last time they were together? And the actual time is 4, but the main character doesn't know this because he is on drugs?

Overall I think this was a cool story. I think you could make it a bit longer. Why did she die? How? And more on how the guy copes with it.


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dogglebe
Posted: January 11th, 2009, 8:59am Report to Moderator
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I thought that this was a good script.  For a two-pager, I thought it was set up nicely and theing was a nice surprise.

My only complaint is the newspaper clipping.  You kept it at one line for brevity's sake and that ruined it for me.  It seemed very phony and actually annoyed me.


Phil


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Finalist, Shriekfest Horror Film Festival screenplay competition.
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Toby_E
Posted: January 11th, 2009, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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What's up Jay,

Really enjoyed this one. For such a little short, you packed quite a bit into it. The other people who have read, and commented above me have all made very valid points, so I will try not to repeat what has already been said...

Some of the stuff you wrote in descriptions/ actions would be hard to film... How do you show us that a pain "shoots down his arm"? Also, everything that Travis said was valid; I was wondering how a bloodied nose can break the silence?

I also agree with Dogglebe; get rid of the newspaper cutting. I think this would work much better if he just cried, then injected himself again. He could then smile, look happy, and the camera could pan out to reveal him sitting on a bench, in a cemetary or something. That would get the messaged across better IMO.

Also, why does his nose bleed? Bleeding nose isn't (as far as I'm aware) a sympton of heroin-abuse; it's a sympton of heavy cocain abuse.

But yeah, I enjoyed this one man. Keep this up,

Toby.


Here is some of my latest writing:

Dead Waters -- Thriller


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Xavier
Posted: January 11th, 2009, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
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good script. it was short enjoyable and interesting. Hope to read more of your stuff.


Those who believe that they are the best, the most popular, the go to guy, those are usually the ones who need the most help.
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jayrex
Posted: January 12th, 2009, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hey everybody,

Thanks for the read Travis, Glenn, Tommy, Phil, Toby & Xavier.

I've had mixed reviews on this one.  I entered this one into MP and I kinda got the idea from Nik.  I didn't have a clue.

The first half of the story Phil has taken herion and has gone into a world of his own.  Marie comes to life from his imagination.  He doesn't realise what's going on until hours later he snaps out of his imaginary dream.  He just has nose bleeds and is not a suppose to be connected with cocaine.  The newspaper clipping was to bring him down to planet earth.

If I do a rewrite I'll take the newspaper clipping out and take up Toby's idea.

A little about me.

Back in my student days.  A nose bleed or a sound was enough for me to snap out of my own drug induced world.

Kind regards,


Javier


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