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Thief is a structured game/exercise where drama and characters are key. A reunion is happening in Simply Valley. Eight high school friends have a sleep-over, big chill style. It's no secret that one of them plans to propose to another at the gathering. But plans are cancelled, tempers flare, and old fights are rekindled when the engagement ring turns up missing. The question now is who stole it and why?
This game will be structured. Character bios will be developed, then a brief outline will be created and the screenplay will be written from the outline. Developing the character and writing the outline are a major part of the game.
There are only 8 characters/players per game.
As mentioned above, there will be three stages to this game.
I. Bios Each player takes a turn and adds a piece of history to each of the character bios in relation to their character. This will establish relationships between the characters giving all the characters a bit more depth. (1 Round)
II.Outline Players will add to the brief outline. There will be 24 "scenes". A player may either add a "scene" or modify an existing "scene". This will continue until all 24 "scenes" are outlined.
III. Screenplay Each player will write three scenes. The scenes will be written in order.
For your turn you will have to modify each of the characters bios except your own. You have to modify each of them including the two non-playing characters.
You may add, delete, or change anything about the character except their name. You will put one post for each of the seven characters you modify in the character thread.
The point of this is 1) Get everyone acquainted with all of the characters. 2) Try to get the bios in synch.
Though remember each of the characters does not have to perceive history in the same way. Actually we would prefer it if they didn't because it creates conflict.
Your job is to read all the characters that aren't your character and make appropriate changes to them. This can include adding or deleting things for those characters.
You may for example see a piece of history with another character that needs more detail - or maybe you think it didn't happen that way and you want to rewrite it. Maybe you have another piece of history you would like to add. You can just add and that would qualify as modifying. Or maybe you spot something that isn't in sync between two bios and you want to sync it up. (Remember that doesn't mean that the two people needed to see the event in the same way).
But you're trying to understand the other characters enough to change them. These changes could be small or they could be larger. Though, as Jeff warns, you could upset someone with the changes you make. But don't let that stop you, if you feel you can justify the change then make it.
There is no perfect. So do what you can and the next person will take it from there.
Personally, I like the first person, since we are dealing with the characters perceptions. There are also other reasons. First it makes us feel more intimate with the characters - we going to be spending some time with them so it's best to be intimate. Second it gives us a better idea of their speech mannerisms. And lastly it gives us insight into their personal feelings.
I'm not saying we should change them all in one sitting but if we work toward that goal then they should all be in first person by then end of this round.
I also wanted to clarify a few things about this assignment.
First and foremost...
There is no right and wrong way to do this. No right amount of changes, no wrong amount of changes. There is no perfect. Just do what you can with the bio and pass it on. The point is to read them all and understand the characters enough to make an appropriate change.
But more that that I hope that you take these characters onboard as if they are your own. I hope that you steal them away from the person who created them and give them the depth that only several people can. You will not necessarily be writing for your own character during the scripting phase - this isn't going to work like killer - you should feel comfortable with them all.
I hope that you work toward developing a consistent back story between characters. Bring out the stories you want to see developed, give them more detail. There's already some great stories in there they just need a bit more...
And give the characters some conflict. They don't need to conflict with every character and of course some characters will have more conflict than others but they need conflict. That's how drama happens.
How you should approach this.
First, read all of the character bios.
Then as you edit a bio, look back to each of the other bios to see how that character interacts with the one you are editing.
Then make your changes.
Of course you may find you have more of an attachment to or may change more in one particular character than another. In some you may only edit one line, in some you may shake the very foundations of the character. Both are ok as is anywhere in between.
When you post, remember to post in the character thread. It would be good if you post as soon as you are done editing a particular character rather than waiting until you are done with all of them. That will keep this part of the game moving. You can always edit the post while it's still your turn.
Cheers,
Michael
And don't forget...everyone needs a motive to steal the ring. And try to keep this in the realm of an inexpensive to produce drama.
Since everything happens in threes we are going to be splitting this up into thirds. We’ll write a third of the outline then script that third, then write the next third of the outline etc.
We will be dividing the story in to three acts (there’s that three again, Sandra must be loving this).
First act: Lead up to and include the inciting incident (Johnny has the ring, why he has the ring, the ring is stolen) as well as establish any subplots.
Second act: Our characters try to find their way to a resolution (this is where all that history will come in as they try to figure out who stole the ring and why).
Third act: The resolution. Resolve all sub plots and then resolve the main plot. We find out who stole the ring (or maybe we don’t).
There will be 24 outline posts in total. Each post should approx 4-5 pages of the script. We will number each of the outline posts. The first six are Act one, the last six are act three.
For our first assignment we will be doing 1-8. That is all of act one and the start of act two.
When you write you outline post it will look something like the following:
1 INT. FOYER
Cherry is uncomfortable being the first guest. She and Gabriel struggle with their conversation.
Jimmy arrives soon after and he and Cherry flirt, much to the amusement of Gabriel who is now being ignored. Gabriel excuses himself.
INT. LIVING ROOM Cherry and Jimmy reminisce as they enter the living room. The doorbell rings should they get it? Jimmy doesn’t think so.
INT. FOYER Gabriel greets Burner who is impressed by the mansion. Burner doesn’t stop to talk but instead immediately starts exploring.
INT. LIVING ROOM Cherry and Jimmy are getting a bit intimate on the couch. When Burner pops in they part.
After their hello’s Gabriel offers them all a drink. Cherry and Jimmy want one but Burner declines.
That’s probably a wee bit small for 5 pages but it gives you a good idea of how to approach it.
You want both the locations and the actions. You want the actions to be brief. You aren’t trying to explain everything, you are just trying to summarize the main things.
When it is your turn you may either write one of the eight outline posts or you may rewrite one of them – not both. You have 24 hours to make your post. Just make sure you include the number of the post. We keep going until we are mostly satisfied with the first eight.
Assignment 6: Script We will be writing the first third of the script based on the outline we prepared.
The rules are exactly the same as the outline. You may add or edit any one of the script blocks. They should be based on the corresponding outline block. You can post your script blocks to the script thread
You should try to follow the outline as closely as possible but if you need to make minor changes to it while writing the script then it is your duty to change it in the outline thread. Just post the new outline block to the outline thread.
During the first week - because we will be reading OWC entries, you will have 3 days to complete your script block during you turn. After the first week, this will be reduced to two days.
You may find, like I did, that you will not be able to fit the whole outline block in 5 pages. You can shift the block - like I did. Fit as much as you can in your entry then shift the rest of outline to the next outline block. We may end up with an extra block at the end.
The order is:
mcornetto Tommy Ripley Sandra Grademan
I'll post mine tomorrow after the OWC entry deadline. It was a blast to write. Good luck all.
PS Don't forget to refer to the character thread for the characters.
One thing that might help us quite a bit at this point is to define our plot lines.
1. We have Johnny and the stolen ring and his relationship with Cherry. 1a. A possible romance between Johnny and Frances. 2. Jeanna and her leaving. 3. Possibly romance with Jeanna for Gabriel. 3a. Likely romance or at least repayment of debt with Frances.
Assignment 9: Script We will be writing the secong third of the script based on the outline we prepared. Outline blocks 9-15
The rules are exactly the same as the last time we did this. You may add or edit any one of the script blocks. They should be based on the corresponding outline block. You can post your script blocks to the script thread
You should try to follow the outline as closely as possible but if you need to make minor changes to it while writing the script then it is your duty to change it in the outline thread. Just post the new outline block to the outline thread.
Here is a list of all the review points somewhat summarized. I included three sections: characters, story and technical. I did not include positive points since the purpose of this list is to show where improvement is to be considered.
Let me know if any of the points aren’t clear.
Gary
CHARACTER-RELATED REVIEW POINTS
No clearly identified protag and antag (4)
Character intros take too long (3)
Too many characters (2)
UNLIKEABLE CHARACTERS: Characters seem two dimensional Characters seemed immature Cherry is a flirt/got around too quickly Didn't care about characters; disliked many of them Didn't seem like friends Not very sympathetic characters Darnell was annoying/drug humor didn't work Characters treat each other horribly prior to end
Flaws revealed too early - Roddy and Frances
Characters didn't stay true to themselves esp. Roddy
Roddy lost his sobriety in the blink of an eye
More detail needed in flashbacks re: personalities
Gabe is bi - right?
Reason for the character’s ages being the same is not clear
The girls should have some chat time so male/female dynamics can be looked into
STORY-RELATED REVIEW POINTS
Greater conflict/No suspense or suspicion/Up the stakes/Need a hook to keep us interested
Ring introduced too late/too long before the ring is stolen/ring should be central (3)
The RV interrupted the story/strange/didn’t work (3)
You can tell where writers switched off/ Too many cooks - a frustrating read/ Jumbled and unfocused
Nature of story revealed earlier and clearer (2)
Too much like high school "drama and bullshit" (2)
More back story, show high school memories (2)
Jeana and Gabriel argument when she's about to leave didn't feel right
On the nose for first 20 pages
Group sleepover space, not individual rooms
Make it into a night time soap opera
No LOL moments
Johnny comes out with pants down - unrealistic
Twist of reality TV didn't work/Gabriel’s reality TV aspirations don't look like they'll payoff/Not enough for ten episodes and very dull
Story lost interest/direction after 40 pages - up the stakes
Johnny's dialog "I wouldn't marry you…" out of place
The story is Gabriel using his friend's for reality show/Title doesn't fit the story
Too much scene jumping/some scene jumping was emotional rollercoaster
The RV, step dad, Muslim part went nowhere
Johnny being late because he is picking up the ring?
How can mooning ruin Gabriel's plan - can't he edit film?
If Gabriel is broke why doesn't he take Jeana's stepfather's estate?
TECHNICAL POINTS
The technical points don’t have page numbers because you can use the search functions on your software to find them.
Weird slugs - no CONTINUOUS, DAY or NIGHT
Opening is redundant "grass is greener" and "cream of the crop"
Awk. "…though it’s snug at the back of the room"
Awk. "…is staring, is staring, is staring"
Tiresome "Awkward moment of silence" (note – we used the word “moment” around 30 times)
Okay! Keep in mind that I've only read the script fully, I just skimmed the reviews and read none of the pre-production. But I think it's fair to judge the script alone. What was intended is irrelevant at this point, it's what's on the page that's important.
Welcome aboard Pete!
First, I think a title change may be in order. THIEF is very vague and refers only to one subplot, not any overarching theme. May I suggest GABRIEL'S GAME? It's also a bit vague, but in a good way, I think. His "game" could refer to his dishonest motivations for inviting them there, the actual paintball game and some other events that are not in the story but I will suggest later.
Actually Thief has much significance to the development of the story and name recognition as the exercise which created it. It is effectively a brand. I wouldn't be too quick on changing it until we know where the story goes during the rewrite.
I also don't care for how the characters are introduced - it takes 14 pages just to meet everyone. It's an ensemble story, and they are all pretty much equally important characters, so we should meet them as quickly as possible.
Like I said we should start with Johnny calling to say he is going to be late. The very first shot can be him looking at the ring. Maybe he can ask if Cherry is going to be there. Then we can take it from a largely collected crew.
Flashbacks to their teenage years are already established in the script - so how about starting things in a flashback? Perhaps their last drunken hurrah before they go off to school/work/whatever. There they decide that, no matter what happens in their lives, they'll get back together in 10 years.
This way we'll meet everyone within a scene or two, see what they were like as kids - to contrast how they have or haven't changed as adults - and provide a reason for them to reunite, which is never mentioned in the script.
That would be something to consider but in light of Gary's suggestion it may not be necessary. The reason there are limited flashbacks in this script is because there was a rule to only use a fixed set of locations. Whether we decide to break that rule in the rewrite is still in question.
Flash forward. Adults often don't recall childhood promises, so it's likely some or all of them will have forgotten about the reunion pact. Naturally, because he has ulterior motives, Gabriel should be the one to remind them. Of course, some may not be eager to reunite, which could provide tension once they do.
This isn't necessarily true. Adults remember the weirdest thing - if they stay in the same place. I've traveled extensively and live in a different location from where I grew up and when I talk to people I grew up with I am often surprised at the minuscule things they remember that I have long forgotten.
Now we don't need to meet them all again as adults - not one by one anyway, nor do we need to see Gabriel ask them all to the reunion. I think we only need to see him ask one, which leads me to another point:
Jimmy, the audience proxy. I think it may be wise to have one character the audience can relate to and begin the main story with. Of course, Jimmy is not the main character, but he is the closest thing we have to an "everyman" in the story - as I see it.
Jimmy is actually a pretty suspicious character, even though he might not have come across that way in the script. If you intend to help with the rewrite please have a look at the character thread - it's essential. You can find a link to it probably in the first post of this thread.
Too much ring talk. Talking about Johnny's proposal is far too repetitive.
The reason people talk about the proposal is to spread the information about the house. If we think only a few people know then only they would be the ones we suspect of stealing it.
The paintball game. I think this should be much earlier, like within the first 30 pages. This reunion is supposed to fun, right? But there's really not much fun early on, just drama. Oh, and being shot with a paintball hurts! That's not mentioned much. When Roddy is shot in his unprotected crotch (!) with a paintball, that shit would be seriously painful.
The paintball game was actually a very late development and that is why it is late in the script. We could think about moving it earlier but it is useful in resolving many of the dramatic conflicts that occur earlier.
That's all the points that I have at the moment, so allow me to provide a very simple outline, there are many, many blanks to be filled in here. If I were to rewrite this alone, this is generally the way I would go.
Open with a flashback of the teenage characters. A glimpse of who they were.
They make a reunion pact. Ten years, no excuses!
Present time. Gabriel calls Jimmy, reminds him of the reunion. Everyone is coming over for the weekend. Just the friends.
Jimmy arrives at Gabriel's home, Friday evening. Everyone is already there, save one. Frances is the last to appear - surprise: Francesca!
Drinks, conversation, tour of the house. Catching up. Sparks fly.
Dinner. Gabriel has some plans for the group.
First up, paintball - at night! But why the cameras?
Fun was had. More drinks? Drugs?
Time for bed. But who is pairing up tonight?
Morning. Aches, pains and hangovers. Who woke up with whom? Early calls for Darnell - money problems?
Gabriel has more activities planned (insert fun here). Some are up for it, some aren't. Damn, are there cameras everywhere? Suspicion.
Pool party. Fun and drama. I hear Johnny's got a ring and a plan. Where the hell did that RV come from? (I see it as a disguised production truck).
Where does Gabriel keep disappearing to? The RV?
Casual dinner and drinks. They split up, talk and relax. Where is Darnell?
Oh, shit - Johnny's ring is gone! But why did he have a ring? Accusations and hurt feelings.
Gabriel instigates the drama. Too eager. They separate, taking sides.
Darnell privately admits to Jimmy that he took the ring - he's desperate. Regrets - he can't do that to a friend. Darnell gives it to Jimmy.
Jimmy gives the ring to Johnny. Jimmy stole it? They fight. Roddy finds out that Darnell took it and why. Offers the money.
Bed time. Anger, hostility and lust, depending on the person. Jimmy and Francesca hook up.
Morning. Francesca finds a camera - in her room?! Tells all - there are cameras in all the rooms. Confrontation - with paintballs. Gabriel admits the scheme and explains. They hate him and is exiled.
Jeana defends Gabriel. They all can't deny it was an interesting experience. They relent and sign releases. Still friends? Sort of.
The end?
The thing to remember here is we don't really want to do a complete rewrite. We want to work with what we have because that's the story 8 people contributed to. Thanks for all the comments. And the way the rewrite will work is we will discuss it to death and then when we feel we're beating a dead horse someone will take the information and volunteer to do the first rewrite. So hop in the discussion whenever you feel like it and thanks for your comments.
Well, as I said, there are many blanks to fill there and things I left out that are in the script that I feel should stay. But I've taken up enough space for now.
I hope some of this is worth using. I'm eager to see what you have to add or subtract from this mess (my mess, I mean).
No clearly identified protag and antag (4) True, but does there really need to be? I don't think we need to put too much more on the "good" guys and the "bad" guys. I think Johnny should be the protag and Gabriel should be the antag.
Character intros take too long (3) True, this needs to be fixed. Agreed.
Too many characters (2) Disagree. BUT we could cut one if we needed to, and combine aspects of two characters into one. No character cuts though we might diminish some characters.
UNLIKEABLE CHARACTERS: Characters seem two dimensional Disagree. Disagree. While the characters weren't perfect they certainly weren't two dimensional. Characters seemed immature A reaon for this is that they are back with the people from highschool, when they were immature. Bringing back there old habits, etc. Fair enough if people feel they are too immature then rather than making them act their age we can bring their age to them as Gary suggests. Cherry is a flirt/got around too quickly Agreed. Easy fix. Cherry is a flirt and gets around. So what? Isn't that called character? Didn't care about characters; disliked many of them Hmm, not sure. I liked them... Subjective. You don't really have to like the characters but they should be compelling if you don't. We can work on that. Didn't seem like friends Well they haven't seen each other for ages, so they actually aren't friends. Disagree. I've always agreed with this one but I came to the conclusion that they were all friends but some were more friends than others. Not very sympathetic characters. We can try to generate more sympathy. Darnell was annoying/drug humor didn't work Subjective. It seemed to work for some. Unless we know why then this isn't correctable or there might be a really valid reason why this person didn't like the humor. Characters treat each other horribly prior to end. I don't think that's true for all of the characters.
Flaws revealed too early - Roddy and Frances Yes, interesting point. Maybe quite true. Like their stories are supposed to be about dealing with those problems. Not hiding. If Roddy is an alcoholic he's going to be used to having to admit it to people. Isn't that what they have to do with AA. And Frances is going to be proud of her change - why should she hide it.
Characters didn't stay true to themselves esp. Roddy. I don't agree with this about Roddy though it could be true of other characters.
Roddy lost his sobriety in the blink of an eye True, easy fix. ok
More detail needed in flashbacks re: personalities
Gabe is bi - right? I would say so. It is unclear and meant to be unclear
Reason for the character�s ages being the same is not clear like they all went to school together in the same class.
The girls should have some chat time so male/female dynamics can be looked into
STORY-RELATED REVIEW POINTS
Greater conflict/No suspense or suspicion/Up the stakes/Need a hook to keep us interested
Ring introduced too late/too long before the ring is stolen/ring should be central (3) Agreed
The RV interrupted the story/strange/didn�t work (3) Agreed. I think we should get rid of the RV.
You can tell where writers switched off/ Too many cooks - a frustrating read/ Jumbled and unfocused I still think it's a helluva lot more cohesive of a script than the Killer scripts
Nature of story revealed earlier and clearer (2) Yep, fair call. yep
Too much like high school "drama and bullshit" (2) yes but I think there isn't enough
More back story, show high school memories (2) Furrynuff
Jeana and Gabriel argument when she's about to leave didn't feel right
On the nose for first 20 pages
Group sleepover space, not individual rooms
Make it into a night time soap opera
No LOL moments
Johnny comes out with pants down - unrealistic
Twist of reality TV didn't work/Gabriel�s reality TV aspirations don't look like they'll payoff/Not enough for ten episodes and very dull Good point. Maybe we need to have Gabriel add more stuff like the paintball. IF we are going with this as the main story.
Story lost interest/direction after 40 pages - up the stakes
Johnny's dialog "I wouldn't marry you�" out of place Yes, it is an example of how flustered Johnny got. so it should be
The story is Gabriel using his friend's for reality show/Title doesn't fit the story
Too much scene jumping/some scene jumping was emotional rollercoaster
The RV, step dad, Muslim part went nowhere
Johnny being late because he is picking up the ring?
How can mooning ruin Gabriel's plan - can't he edit film?
If Gabriel is broke why doesn't he take Jeana's stepfather's estate?
No clearly identified protag and antag (4) True, but does there really need to be? I don't think we need to put too much more on the "good" guys and the "bad" guys. I think Johnny should be the protag and Gabriel should be the antag.
That makes sense to me. Gabriel is deceiving them all, and while he's not a "villain" exactly, he is the one doing the most wrong. Johnny being the protagonist seems right too, as he has the most to lose here - the ring and the woman he wants. I would like him to be more likeable though. I mentioned Jimmy as a potential audience proxy, I see it makes more sense for it to be Johnny now.
Character intros take too long (3) True, this needs to be fixed. Agreed.
I still like the possibility of meeting them all at once in flashback.
Too many characters (2) Disagree. BUT we could cut one if we needed to, and combine aspects of two characters into one. No character cuts though we might diminish some characters.
If a character was diminished - or the others strengthened, if that's a better way to look at it - I would vote for Roddy (no offense to the creator of that character).
UNLIKEABLE CHARACTERS: Characters seem two dimensional Disagree. Disagree. While the characters weren't perfect they certainly weren't two dimensional.
I also disagree, but they all could be fleshed out a bit more, mostly through tweaks in dialogue.
Characters seemed immature A reaon for this is that they are back with the people from highschool, when they were immature. Bringing back there old habits, etc. Fair enough if people feel they are too immature then rather than making them act their age we can bring their age to them as Gary suggests.
I'm not entirely sure what you mean by "bring their age to them", but I think that not enough of their current lives are mentioned in the script, which makes it seem as though not much has changed in the last 10 years. In regard to the 2 dimensional comment, giving more detail would help with that (boyfriends/girlfriends, husbands/wives, careers, children? - it seems unusual that not one of these 8 characters, all approaching 30, has had a child yet).
Cherry is a flirt/got around too quickly Agreed. Easy fix. Cherry is a flirt and gets around. So what? Isn't that called character?
Sure, she's kind of a slut - that's a character trait. Perhaps due to her being an easy lay, it is revealed that she has had a child, and gave him/her up for adoption. Her possible regret of this could be her motivation for growing up a bit. That's sounds like character growth - a good thing methinks.
Didn't care about characters; disliked many of them Hmm, not sure. I liked them... Subjective. You don't really have to like the characters but they should be compelling if you don't. We can work on that.
I didn't have a problem with disliking the characters, but I wish some were more likable - in particular Johnny.
Didn't seem like friends Well they haven't seen each other for ages, so they actually aren't friends. Disagree. I've always agreed with this one but I came to the conclusion that they were all friends but some were more friends than others.
I would like more scenes with reminiscing about the "good ol' days". If they are reminded why they were friends - if they aren't still - then the drama later will mean all the more.
Not very sympathetic characters. We can try to generate more sympathy.
Darnell was annoying/drug humor didn't work Subjective. It seemed to work for some. Unless we know why then this isn't correctable or there might be a really valid reason why this person didn't like the humor.
I don't mind drug humor, if it's humorous. Much of the drug stuff fell flat for me, but I'm not saying it shouldn't be there. If Darnell was a bit more charismatic, and persuasive about getting others to indulge like when they were kids, for old times sake, it might work.
Characters treat each other horribly prior to end. I don't think that's true for all of the characters.
They aren't horrible to each other, but they aren't nice enough either, I think.
Flaws revealed too early - Roddy and Frances Yes, interesting point. Maybe quite true. Like their stories are supposed to be about dealing with those problems. Not hiding. If Roddy is an alcoholic he's going to be used to having to admit it to people. Isn't that what they have to do with AA. And Frances is going to be proud of her change - why should she hide it.
Roddy should be upfront about it, in fact, if he's newly sober, he should be eager to mention it. If he is newly sober, it would make more sense when he is tempted later and falls off the wagon so easily - it may be the first time he's really been tested. When he does so though, the consequences should be profound.
Characters didn't stay true to themselves esp. Roddy. I don't agree with this about Roddy though it could be true of other characters.
Roddy lost his sobriety in the blink of an eye True, easy fix. ok
Yeah, he really needs to be pushed by Darnell and the stress of being in the house.
More detail needed in flashbacks re: personalities
Gabe is bi - right? I would say so. It is unclear and meant to be unclear
Reason for the character's ages being the same is not clear like they all went to school together in the same class.
Ahem, open in flashback? :P
The girls should have some chat time so male/female dynamics can be looked into
Agreed. But on which side does Francesca fall? That might be ripe for humor.
STORY-RELATED REVIEW POINTS
Greater conflict/No suspense or suspicion/Up the stakes/Need a hook to keep us interested
Ring introduced too late/too long before the ring is stolen/ring should be central (3) Agreed
The RV interrupted the story/strange/didn't work (3) Agreed. I think we should get rid of the RV.
Though it would work as a disguised production truck, which might be needed if there wasn't an adequate place in the house for all the equipment necessary to tape the reality show Gabriel is aiming for. If the truck becomes that, we would need a false explanation for it for the guests.
You can tell where writers switched off/ Too many cooks - a frustrating read/ Jumbled and unfocused I still think it's a helluva lot more cohesive of a script than the Killer scripts
Nature of story revealed earlier and clearer (2) Yep, fair call. yep
Yeah, Gabriel scheming and manipulating - and feebly covering it up - could be fun too.
Too much like high school "drama and bullshit" (2) yes but I think there isn't enough
Teenage "drama and bullshit" being stirred up after all these years makes sense, but we need a voice of reason to speak up and call them on it at some point.
More back story, show high school memories (2) Furrynuff
Yes, reminiscing please!
Jeana and Gabriel argument when she's about to leave didn't feel right
On the nose for first 20 pages
Group sleepover space, not individual rooms
I can imagine someone, Cherry perhaps, suggesting this, but all of them not wanting to.
Make it into a night time soap opera
No LOL moments
Indeed. More laughs are needed.
Johnny comes out with pants down - unrealistic
Twist of reality TV didn't work/Gabriel's reality TV aspirations don't look like they'll payoff/Not enough for ten episodes and very dull Good point. Maybe we need to have Gabriel add more stuff like the paintball. IF we are going with this as the main story.
I totally agree that their short amount of time together would not be enough for any reality show. Maybe he was just trying to put together a pilot, a proof of concept kind of thing. I'll admit, IMO, the whole duped-into-a-reality-show concept is the weakest thing in the script.
I'm not saying it should be tossed aside completely, just strengthened - and played for more laughs. That means more group activities than just paintball.
This just occurred to me: what if Gabriel is the one who is trying to get on an already existing reality show, to boost his sagging career. Perhaps he has tried and failed - being seen as a boring has-been, and now as a last resort he invites his friends and secretly tapes himself interacting with them in an over-the-top, reality show manner. This would allow us to keep the reality show concept, but lessen it to more of a subplot for Gabriel.
Story lost interest/direction after 40 pages - up the stakes
Johnny's dialog "I wouldn't marry you" out of place Yes, it is an example of how flustered Johnny got. so it should be
The story is Gabriel using his friend's for reality show/Title doesn't fit the story
I've already agreed with this, but since changing the title is not an option (I'm not complaining about that by the way), perhaps we need more thieving. We have a stolen ring - what else? A stolen heart? Maybe Johnny has some luck with Cherry at first, then she's wooed away from him. Stolen dignity? Gabriel makes a fool of himself and his friends for a few more minutes of fame?
Too much scene jumping/some scene jumping was emotional rollercoaster
The RV, step dad, Muslim part went nowhere
Johnny being late because he is picking up the ring?
How can mooning ruin Gabriel's plan - can't he edit film?
If Gabriel is broke why doesn't he take Jeana's stepfather's estate?
I'm about to become super busy and since I won't have the time to give this rewrite the attention it deserves, I have decided to put someone else in charge of this project - Gary.
So everyone, let Gary take the lead on this and I'll check in every so often to make sure things are on track.
Cheers all, it's been a great exercise and I'm looking forward to reading what you guys come up with for the rewrite.
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Thief - Screenwriting Exercise/Game #12 Rewrite
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Subjective. You don't really have to like the characters but they should be compelling if you don't. We can work on that.
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