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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - The Reunion - * Moderators: Administrator
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Don
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 11:23am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Reunion by Tim Ratcliffe (trojan) (Tonto Von Nizzleworth)  Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - A former nerd gets a second chance to win the heart of his dream girl at their high school reunion. - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  September 7th, 2009, 2:50pm
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Coding Herman
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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This is really good and it's definitely a romantic dramedy.

The story is at the right length for this short. I hardly find any moments that don't move the story forward. You had me chuckles a few times. The song fitted in pretty well.

I like both Chris and Blake, typical guys bantering. Ashleigh is lovely as well.

The only thing I would lose is the Cindy Lee subplot, that didn't do much. It's very easy to cut it out.

So overall, bravo! One of the best OWC entries.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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khamanna
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
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cute story.

A bit dialogue driven. I wish there was a little more of Ashleigh.

Cindy "stares daggers" at Chris, Cindy, the one who's been mollested -- makes me think if Chris was the one who mollested her as well. I don't see why it was necessary to include Cindy at all, maybe for comedy, though it did not impress me as funny (meaning a piece about Cindy not the whole script)

Funny at places.
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JonnyBoy
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 1:13pm Report to Moderator
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Thought I knew who'd written this...and then I checked the font of their other scripts and it doesn't match! So I have no idea now.

Meeting the competition criteria: this word 'dramedy' is a tricky one. This definitely a comedy, but I feel it's lacking that crucial bit of drama that would make it a 'dramedy'. This is pretty much just comedy, albeit romantic comedy. However, it was very good comedy - you had me laughing within ten seconds - and the song was worked in wonderfully
Characters - some very strong characters, here. The reformed loser, the chubby sidekick friend, the hot girl, even Cindy Lee...perhaps verging on the cliched, but you did a very good job of managing to make them distinctive quickly. I really could imagine these people. Good work
Dialogue - quick exchanges laced with humour, a believable sense of warmth between the two guys, and I bought into the conclusion. Overall, really good
Story - very impressed with what you managed to get done in the space available. You even had time for the whole 'Cindy Lee' aside (I disagree with the reviewer who said you should cut it, I feel it's fine in there). You managed to have a romantic conclusion, and there was a really nice flow to the story. I rolled my eyes when he decided to sing the song, but cheesiness is to be expected, no, it's required, in this genre
Writing/format - absolutely no problems with format I could see, and overall this was written well. However, two issues I want to pick out: the "in and out of the spotlight" I found to be a distracting moment of over-writing that I don't think was necessary, and I was a little confused as to what exactly was happening at the end spatially. At first I thought he'd gone up to Ashleigh as everyone watched, but then as the conversation continued I ended up assuming that the crowd had just dispersed. Think you could have made that slightly clearer

I'd be surprised if I read many better than this...just feel it falls slightly short on the "drama" side.


Guess who's back? Back again?

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grademan
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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THE REUNION

Pros – Good banter between Chris and Blake. I think I knew these guys in high school.

Cons – A little long with Chris on the mic. I winced when I read the disabled joke and the bitch slaps but chuckled anyway. Cindy Lee being angry at Chris didn’t make sense unless Chris was on the football team which we don’t know but I suspect not.

Comedy – Good mix of situational, character and dialogue driven comedy.

Romance – Ashleigh could have been a touch more there.

Lyrics – Integrated as song Chris wrote in high school that he is badgered to sing on stage. Simplistic lyrics meant to be corny.

Writer – Great touch with comedy. If afforded another scene or two you would have nailed the romance part of this.  High school reunion is predicable locale for this challenge but you done good with it.

Criteria – All criteria met though a tad light on romance.

I liked this one. A lot.

Gary
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slap shot
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
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would have liked just a tad more about ashleigh...i agree with khamanna, the cindy lee thing was a dead end for me...not a bad job integrating the premise into the story without the whole story being about some singer songwriter trying to write lyrics to a melody...
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mcornetto
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 3:57pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this.  

And I also think it was the closest thing to a dramedy I've ready so far, though it was a bit light on the drama side of things.

Unlike the others I didn't think Chris had anything to do with the Cindy Lee thing.  As a matter of fact I thought that scene with the punch bowl was one of the funnier parts of the script.

If I were going to crit anything it would be that sometimes the dialogue seemed a bit clumsy to me. Like you were saying a bit too much and it didn't seem natural.  I would try and trim some of it down a bit.  

While I did think you fit the song into the script, I did think the lyrics could have been a bit better.  I particularly didn't really like the last line.

Otherwise, well done.

You get:
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 7:42pm Report to Moderator
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This is my current favorite for sure.  Well written, well paced, funny, cute, and met all requirements.

Only issues I'll bring up are..."recognize", not "recognise" - probably 4 or more mispellings of this word, or a derivation of it.  A few instances where you decided to give us an aside, and tell us something (I am not a fan of these).

Music was well placed and was defintely a major part of this script, unlike the vast majority that I've read so far, but I can't say I enjoyed the lyrics at all.  No big deal though, as it kinda works as a comedy thing anyway.

Great effort!  Great, witty and funny dialogue!  Great story!  Well done...especially in a week or probably less.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

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Angry Bear
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one quite a bit.

Nice sharp writing. Crisp and funny dialogue. Likable characters and cute story. The lyrics were... well, less good, but...

I don't think Chris had anything to do with the Cindy Lee thing. He was a loser after all back  then and would not had been invited to partake in something like that.

Great work dude/dudette!!  I'm voting 5 stars on this one.  


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stevie
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 7:54pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, this batch of 5 have all been really good. Yeah, I liked it, could really picture it in my head while reading. The characters were well drawn thoguh, I have to agree with the Cindy Lee thing. It was all set up but the ending flopped a bit.

Nonetheless, one of the best.


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LC
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 11:51pm Report to Moderator
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I really enjoyed this one - structured very nicely. A well thought out story. The repeated slap from his friend, the wet pants, the punch-bowl fiasco -very funny. Speaking of the Cindy Lee element I really thought that was very clever & funny, & that it was an unwitting faux pas on Chris's behalf. You kept it moving and it all tied-in very nicely. Lyrics were passable - served the plot-purpose.

The only suggestion I have is that you might have had Ashleigh register more romantic interest in Chris from the beginning. He's supposedly a 'new man' and the braces and lisp are gone, and yet even when she asked him to take the photograph and they chatted he didn't really seem to make an impression on her in a potential 'love interest' kind of way.

Having said that I still thoroughly enjoyed it.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 12:58am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Is there anything new here under the sun? No. Is it incredibly well written? Absolutely, yes!!!

I actually felt like I was in the movie!!! And it's late and I'm burnt out. Actually, it's 'lat-ER than it was before; so that means you did an excellent job in my books.

The comedy was perfectly spiced. The dialogue was bang on.

This:

BLAKE
Woo her? Who says the word ‘woo’ anymore?
You sound like a gay cow.

What a super line.

You are an extremely fine writer! I am completely impressed.

Sandra



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Scar Tissue Films
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Unfortunately I have to disagree with the others here.

It really dragged for me. The dialogue just went on and on and on. Some of it was quite good, but it really dragged out what was a fairly routine story.

I liked the Chris Thamthon thing. I also found the part where you mentioned about Cindy being molested amusing, in a sick way.

The Cindy thing at the end was quite funny as well, though it didn't really belong. I thought Chris was a geek, but this suggests he was part of the football team? Didn't really fit and finding out he's basically a rapist kind of dispels any sympathy for him.
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bobtheballa
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
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I loved the banter between Chris and Blake... very believable, though my favorite line was probably the "I always thought your name was Chris Thamthon." I see a few people disliked the bit with Cindy but I enjoyed it. I guess dark comedy is just a bit more divisive.

The ending fell a little flat for me though. Ashleigh's kiss came out of nowhere as we didn't have enough time to see the two develop some genuine chemistry before the song. I figured maybe the song would make up for it but the lyrics weren't anything special and certainly not enough to warrant a kiss I wouldn't think (unless those braces really did do wonders.)

The ending could've used some work, or atleast some more character development early on so that the end is more plausible. That aside, it was one of the funniest I'd read so far (though a little light on the drama) and still a great read. Nice job!
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wannabe
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 3:38pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this although I feel it missed the mark on the drama.  some funny lines, the whole story moved quickly and was easy to read.  I think you should have ended it a bit sooner.  maybe around the kiss.  Not a major biggie, just a suggestion.

Nice work.  
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