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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Soulshadows II: Caine Moderators: bert
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  Author    Soulshadows II: Caine  (currently 3683 views)
Don
Posted: April 13th, 2010, 7:49pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Soulshadows II: Caine by Gabriel Moronta  (mr. ripley) (Tanis by Robert Newcomer) - Series, Supernatural - After covering up a heinous act, Caine thinks his in the free and clear. Not realizing though, he's just set himself up for a new quest: to save his life.   31 pages - pdf, format

Soulshadows II: Caine (revised draft) by Gabriel Moronta  (mr. ripley) (Tanis by Robert Newcomer) - Series, Supernatural - After covering up a heinous act, Caine thinks he's in the free and clear. Not realizing though, he has set himself up for a new quest: to save his life. 31 pages - pdf, format


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Enjoy other scripts in the SoulShadows II Series or the first season of SoulShadows


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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  June 16th, 2010, 10:00pm
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Mr. Ripley
Posted: April 14th, 2010, 6:48am Report to Moderator
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I just want to say thanks for now and wait into I get a couple of reviews before I start commenting.

Thanks Don for posting this.

Thanks Michael Cornetto for creating this series and allowing us writers to be a part of something this great.

Thanks Bert for being so patient with me and providing your comments.

Hope you guys and gals enjoy the enjoy the story.

Gabe



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Gaara
Posted: April 14th, 2010, 7:17am Report to Moderator
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Well it was certainly interesting and with names like Caine, Gabriel and Christian it wasn't that hard to figure out who exactly the guy had killed.   That being said I had a hard time with this script.  It could have been really good but for some reason the voice over man talking about how life works and stuff just kept pulling me out of the story, seriously if I had been watching this on the TV I would have been shouting for him to just shut up.

also not sure why but it took a few reads for my brain to make sense of

"Iíll show youíll fairness." as I couldn't figure out how to pronounce "you'll" nothing sounded right in my head


check out episodes 1 - 3 of Mister D.
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Mr. Ripley
Posted: April 14th, 2010, 8:27am Report to Moderator
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Hey Darren

Thanks for the read.

I wanted to do something different in the series that the other writers haven't done. I saw no one did a narrator type story so I wanted to try it. It was my first time using this type of story telling so it's going to be a hit or miss.  

"That "you'll" is a typo. lol. Can't catch them all." Ignore this. lol.  

Thanks for commenting and when I do a revision of this I'll take everything into consideration.

Gabe







Revision History (1 edits)
Mr. Ripley  -  April 14th, 2010, 1:37pm
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grademan
Posted: April 14th, 2010, 10:13am Report to Moderator
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Gabriel,

Congrats on the SS II entry. Nice chance to display your writing.

Here are my comments:

*** SPOILERS ***

Overall, I was a bit confused when I finished reading and listening to the script. The teenage girl was the "playful bitch?" Also, I got the impression that Christian was the devils's servant with the talk about his collecting what was his per their deal?

Good visual of Christian's returning the ring at the burial site. Chewing dirt? Very cool. I also liked the visual of the accident at the end.

Use of the dark space everytime the MAN was talking was a block to the visual flow of the script. Perhaps making the darkness gradually get lighter as the story progresses?

Narrations are tricky. The use of the "playful bitch" and how unfair life is bordered on being repetitive and intrusive to the story.

Good job on delaying the reveal of the brothers and their fight over a girl; however, it might have added a bit more tension to have that revealed earlier. Killing a sibling always ups the ante. Over a girl, add some more ante.

The elderly man could have been an obstacle rather than the guy who holds the door for Caine. Also, the description of the "scratch" could have been more compellling as a visual.

I liked your writing. Clean, no asides; not sure if the flashbacks or the longish speeches by Chrisitian were necessary.

The story was good and told in a different order, plus the use of narration, so kudos on trying something different.

Bert,

Good job with Tanis. It was short, tight and appropriate for the story. I could see the wine glass and the ring. Did you consider having Tanis cough up the ring in a cloud of dust similar to Christian? Just curious.

Look forward to the next SS II entry "TANIS." I wonder how you'll handle the opening and closing for that one! I'll have to wait until May...

Gary
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Mr. Ripley
Posted: April 14th, 2010, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Gary

I'm at work at the moment so I'm going to answer a few, leaving the rest for later when I arrive home.


Quoted Text
Overall, I was a bit confused when I finished reading and listening to the script. The teenage girl was the "playful b****?" Also, I got the impression that Christian was the devils's servant with the talk about his collecting what was his per their deal?


I have a tendancy of making confusion but you hit the nail on the head with Christian being the devil's servant. I actually intended the teenage girl I reference at the end as his next victim. But I like you're interpretation of her. I'm still playing around the idea of making a series based on him so...


Quoted Text
Good visual of Christian's returning the ring at the burial site. Chewing dirt? Very cool. I also liked the visual of the accident at the end.


Thanks. I really like that scene too.


Quoted Text
Use of the dark space everytime the MAN was talking was a block to the visual flow of the script. Perhaps making the darkness gradually get lighter as the story progresses?


I was actually trying to do it. lol. But decided to not make so quickly visible till the end. But I'll see what I can do in the revision.

"Good job on delaying the reveal of the brothers and their fight over a girl; however, it might have added a bit more tension to have that revealed earlier. Killing a sibling always ups the ante. Over a girl, add some more ante."

I found the murder as the significant storyline. The reason behind it not so much significance.  

"The elderly man could have been an obstacle rather than the guy who holds the door for Caine."

I was using this as something oddly wrong. Even though the elderly man doesn't know about it, he's still assiting Caine in his plan.  

"Also, the description of the "scratch" could have been more compellling as a visual."

Can you explain this a bit more? I'm not sure how much emphasis I could have placed on the scratch.

"I liked your writing. Clean, no asides; not sure if the flashbacks or the longish speeches by Chrisitian were necessary."

Thanks about the clean writing. Those Christian speeches were intended to explain Caine's thoughts as if he's telling the story to someone else.  

"The story was good and told in a different order, plus the use of narration, so kudos on trying something different."
Thanks for kind comments. lol. I'm going to work on this in my next revision of caine.





Revision History (1 edits)
Mr. Ripley  -  April 14th, 2010, 1:36pm
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Gaara
Posted: April 14th, 2010, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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Ya if you cut out a few of the narrations it may make it more readable because as grademan says they do tend to get a bit repetitive which is the main reason I was finding them distracting and totally ruining the flow of the story


check out episodes 1 - 3 of Mister D.
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Mr. Ripley
Posted: April 14th, 2010, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
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Darren,

I tried something new. I have to work on the execution. Hopefully my other short on this guy will be better. There'll be no narration. lol.

Gabe



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bert
Posted: April 14th, 2010, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from grademan
Did you consider having Tanis cough up the ring in a cloud of dust similar to Christian? Just curious.


Only for the briefest of moments -- but it just didn't seem to suit Tanis.

And to me, that is one of Gabe's creepiest images -- so I probably would not have wanted to duplicate it anyway.


Quoted from grademan
Look forward to the next SS II entry "TANIS." I wonder how you'll handle the opening and closing for that one!


Me, too.  I have been waiting a long time to get this story out there.

The introduction and conclusion are very short, actually.  I had to trim quite a bit to get it down to the proper length.  Which means only the best parts are left  


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Gaara
Posted: April 14th, 2010, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr. Ripley
Darren,

I tried something new. I have to work on the execution. Hopefully my other short on this guy will be better. There'll be no narration. lol.

Gabe


Look forward to reading it.  However I hate to think I made you change it too much.  I think that narration at the beginning and end of the story would be enough to set the mood and tie it up neatly.



check out episodes 1 - 3 of Mister D.
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Mr. Ripley
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No worries. I always take people's comments when I revise. But in all honesty, my next short on this guy, I'm thinking about not using narration. This doesn't me I'm trying to avoid it but just not using it for the time being.



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jwent6688
Posted: April 14th, 2010, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
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The first problem I have with this piece is it's like we now have two narrators. First Tanis and then this man. Made for a subpar opening IMO. Good work on Tanis and the man's opening dialogue is good. Just felt off being structured that way. I would've had something happen first before this guy gives another intro to the same story.
pg. 3-- dog statute or statue? Needs a fixer.

and now my head is RING-ing.

pg. 8
Caine leaves quicker.(needs a fix)

CAINE
You didnít get that far. You hang
upped.
Needs fixed.

pg. 26
GRACE
Tell him his busy.

pg. 9
a man who be handsome (would be okay if tanis were typing this)

The chewing of the dirt and coming out of the ground scene was slick. Kudos there. Nice turn at the end of the first act. Aaah, the game is afoot.

Too much repetition for me, ring, ring, bite, bite, and then flashback to a scenes we've already been? I know you're trying to drive home something. Just not for me.

pg. 14
No FOOTSTEPS.??

So are we to assume that Life is the boss? Life doesn't exist without the living. Essentially, we make her. Would have rather been it be mother nature or mother earth playing these two. She calls back all the things that are born from her, and has fun doing it.

Anyways, this would be better as a stand alone script. Having two narrators is too much for a SS IMO.

There is a good story there. Just needs some better construction. Put on your hard hat.

Bert, Tanis read well, very clean writing. Good work.

Edit: I just read, from previous posts that I was wrong about who Christian was supposed to represent. I didn't get that at all from the script. He just kept referring to life being a bitch. I may have missed something tho... Can't find where i just set my beer down. Good luck...



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jwent6688  -  April 14th, 2010, 6:02pm
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: April 14th, 2010, 9:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Gabriel,

I thought this was done quite well with a kind of morose feel to it that came through very well. Easily I could picture the footage as so very limited in light-- black with hints of blue light giving subtle hints of animate life, but also keeping us asking the question of whether or not this is all but a dream after all.

The first thing I want to point out is that you had a lot of typos. The most glaring is in your logline:

After covering up a heinous act, Caine thinks his in the free and clear. Not realizing though, he's just set himself up for a new quest: to save his life.

Try and watch those typos.

On a funny note, when I read

Caine pummels Gabriel with punches. Then, grabbing a rock,
he blunges Gabriel.

I thought, Hmmm... shouldn't that be, bludgeones? So I guess it might be either a UKism or a Gabism, but in any case, I hafta, I absolutely hafta use "blunges" in something! It's an absolutely fabulous word!

OK so what are the problems with this script?

Mainly I think that there might be a bit of uncertainty as to what's really going on.

Here:

GABRIEL
But...

CAINE
You heard his screams over the
phone. Heís dead. That was part of
the agreement you and I made. The
other part is collecting you.

Made me feel that this was more of Gabriel and Caine being caught up in a kind of weird time-loop. That was my overall impression throughout until the end and then I felt confused. I'm just not sure. I only have the feeling from this:

GABRIEL
Iím going to propose today.

EXT. FOREST - DAY (FLASHBACK)

Caineís hanging upside down looking at Christian.

CHRISTIAN
You saw what I did and gave your
brother. You understand what
happened back there. He wonít stop
till he fulfills it. Youíre job is
to stop him. If he fulfills his
purpose, youíre hers.

That Cain is in love with Grace and wants to stop Gabriel from proposing.

I strongly felt that the story had fizzled out for me on page 25 when

MAN
The end. Gabriel gets the girl and
Caine rots.
(pauses, then CHUCKLES)
Címon. That happy ending is for the
movies and ficition. Rarely does
this happen in life. Only the
select few and Gabriel is not one
of them. Welcome to the real world.

I feel like the lengthy speeches like this get a bit too tiring after awhile. Especially considering the shortness of the piece.

I definitely think this piece almost has it. Tweak up the clarity, add some genuine character motivation, lose the lengthy speeches and it will be there.

Also, this:

Reclining back, he kicks-up spitting out the contents in the
form of a small black dust cloud.

Is a very strong image. It pulls us right in and makes us feel it.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Mr. Ripley
Posted: April 14th, 2010, 11:25pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks jwent668 and sandra for yor comments,

It was a risky business in doing two narrators but, as I said near the beginning of this thread, I wanted to add something new to the series and experiment with that story form.

It was another risky busines in having him talk alot but I felt as if I didn't he would be forgotten. lol. But your comment is noticed and I will take care of this in the revision.  

I take this comment:  
"pg. 9 a man who be handsome (would be okay if tanis were typing this)"
as a compliment. lol.

Here was my intention:
Christian was serving Tanis. She gets the soul while he gets the body.

The whole life thing: Life was unfair to him so he's going to be unfair to everybody. I'm actually considering towards writing a series based on Christian. I already have a idea of a short with him in mind thats why I put the pictures of that female teenager in the end.

That is a typo bludgeones. I thought I fixed that. lol. Duly noted.

To sandra,

I thought I made clear Christian's special ability when he was with Gabriel at the forest. He becomes Caine so that Caine can be identified.

Hope this helps smooth out some of the confusion.
Gabe

  



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grademan
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Quoted Text
  

"Also, the description of the "scratch" could have been more compellling as a visual."

Can you explain this a bit more? I'm not sure how much emphasis I could have placed on the scratch.



Obviously, the director will decide what to do with the scratch but I thought it could be described as a jagged cut or something similar. Scratch just seemed so nondescript.

Gary
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