SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is April 21st, 2018, 6:19am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship

Round 4 Who Wrote What

Writers' Tournament - The Champion Round

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  C. C. World - 7WC Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    C. C. World - 7WC  (currently 3790 views)
Don
Posted: September 5th, 2010, 3:18pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12168
Posts Per Day
1.93
C. C. World - 7WC by Catherine Hall (cmhall) - Thriller - Small business owners have to make a lot of difficult decisions -- like getting rid of a trusted employee, that's really difficult. 93 pages - pdf, format


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Coding Herman
Posted: September 5th, 2010, 11:04pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Toronto, Canada
Posts
468
Posts Per Day
0.15
Hi Catherine,

Congrats on completing the 7WC. I remembered you were like the first or second one to finish. Kudos to that! And I picked you as my first read.

I just read the first 10 pages and this is how I felt so far.

Sorry to say, but the first page is a mess with so many different characters and unnecessary capitalization.

For examples, SMALL STORES, FRONT COUNTER, CLOCK, SMILING FACE NAME TAG. I don't think these are that important to be capitalized. It just hurts the eyes. Not helping are the capitalization of character names.

Speaking of which, you introduced 5 characters and they all have first and last names. The Duffs sisters I understand, and maybe Celia, but definitely not Lu and Sue. It's just hard for the readers to know which characters to concentrate on.

You should also introduce them by names right away. Don't write THREE WOMEN, or ANOTHER WOMAN. See? More unnecessary capitalization and it reads clunky.

Another strategy is to introduce the characters when they become important. Lu and Sue didn't do anything on the first page. Introduce Lu before her first dialogue on the second page. The same thing goes for Sue.

I'm tired right now. I'll be back with more feedback from page 2 to 10 tomorrow.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 57
Coding Herman
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 10:13am Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Toronto, Canada
Posts
468
Posts Per Day
0.15
Page 2 to 10.

The dialogue in Celia's living room sounds unnatural. Celia wouldn't tell Harry that James died because Harry already knows. Then she becomes suddenly melodramatic about missing James. Celia also wouldn't blunt out Harry's full name in that situation. Are you trying to show us that Celia is being psychotic or just being sad?

The exposition about how James got killed in a hit-and-run is, again, unnatural because they both know what happened.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 57
c m hall
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
peninsula of Jersey
Posts
435
Posts Per Day
0.14
Thanks for reading, Herman, your time and comments are appreciated.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 57
Dreamscale
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
Blue


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
10018
Posts Per Day
2.64
Hey Kathy, congrats on completing a feature length script in 7 weeks.  Just writing a feature in 7 weeks is tough, but we all managed to conceive an idea as well, based on a genre and theme, chosen by someone else.  You should be proud of this accomplishment.

I’m sorry, but that’s about all you can be proud of, IMO, because this thing is truly a disaster of epic proportions.  And it’s funny, because the writing itself doesn’t “look” that bad at all.  It’s relatively clean of typos and mistakes, grammar isn’t too bad, and all in all, it “looks” like a decent script.  There are issues with your SLUGS and over-writing, but lets’ worry about that later.

Problems arise like a mighty tsunami in terms of story, plot, characters, dialogue, logic, and most importantly, entertainment value.  Let’s look at each and see where things went wrong and what we can do to right this ship.

SPOILERS

STORY/PLOT

Right off the bat, we’ve got some major issues that are insurmountable.   As I read along, I kept thinking, something has to happen here….this can’t be the entire premise of this script.  But, it was.  There’s absolutely nothing happening here that can/should take up 92 pages and be the basis for a feature length script or film.  Nothing.

It’s downright laughable to think that some missing money, totaling $1,600 could be the basis for the majority of the plot and story here, but somehow it is.  I know there’s more going on in the past that you tried to bring out, but it didn’t work in any way, I’m sorry to say.

This is not a “thriller” in any way.  If anything, it’s a drama, and a slow one at that.

The story is almost 100% action free.  Dialogue goes on for days about literally nothing at all, to the point where I actually stopped reading last night, looked up, and wondered aloud if this was supposed to some sort of pisser, or joke.

Bottom line – plot and story are not well put together, not interesting or engaging, and need to be completely overhauled.  

CHARACTERS – Characters are far from engaging, interesting, and “real”.  I couldn’t relate with literally anyone. I know Celia and Harry are the 2 protags, but they’ve got to be 2 of the duller main characters I’ve ever come across.  And it goes all the way down to their professions, which play a HUGE role in the story here, but mean absolutely nothing, and is another head scratcher.

The antags are all zeroes as well.  No one has any life outside this Duff’s Space thing, whatever the Hell it is or is supposed to be.   I mean, literally, as far as I can remember, only Celia and Harry have any scenes outside of Duff’s, other than the finale where Donnella takes Celia somewhere for soil testing (which was just downright AWFUL!).  Pretty much 100% of these character’s lives are made up of their work life, and that’s never going to fly, unless they have an interesting work life.

No one comes across remotely believable.  I guess Harry seems to be the most relatable and believable, but he pops up all the time, as if he has nothing else to do in his “real life”, and we don’t even know where he lives, as in 1 scene he’s checking into a motel, and then decides not to.

Bottom line – characters are not well put together, not interesting or engaging, and need to be completely overhauled.

DIALOGUE – Easily one of the most glaring problems in the script.  I think it’ll be easier if I just list what’s wrong, basically.

1)      It’s absolutely insane how many times your characters use the name of the person they’re talking to in direct dialogue with them.  This does not happen in real life and just gets incredibly annoying.
2)     The actual conversations are utterly boring and have no place showing up in a script.
3)     Crazy amounts of exposition being thrown out.
4)     Wacky things being said by Celia, for no reason whatsoever on a regular basis.
5)     Way too much dialogue in general vs. action.
Bottom line – Dialogue is not well put together or thought out, not interesting or engaging, and needs to be completely overhauled.

LOGIC – The action here is not logical.  The actions and reactions of characters is not logical.  The scenes, settings, and proximity of them are not logical, and make zero sense.  The choices you made of what to show are not logical.

Just for starters, what is supposed to be going on with the finale?  Why in the world would Celia get in the car with Donnella at night to go and test water and soil samples out of the blue?   Why would Donnella even want to do this?  Who are the people with guns on the farm?  How does a 40 year old Celia climb a huge tree, jump from tree to tree, then jump 10 feet down into a river of some kind, pull out a soaking wet cell phone that still works, and walk right over to some tavern?  How does this same 40 year old woman just jump out of a moving car…or better yet, why would she even remotely think of attempting such a feat?  Why was everyone at Duff’s late at night?  What were they doing?  Why’d the girls (or 1 girl) beat up Celia in the beginning for $1,600, and how does a 40 year old woman recover so quickly and easily from this brutal beating?  Why is Celia’s trailer home right next to both Duff’s and this Diner?  Where in the world is this supposed to be set?  How could a business like Duff’s even think about making money and employing so many people in this apparently 1 horse town for seemingly 10 years?
I could go on and on, and on, Cathy.  Nothing here makes any sense to me, or seems well thought out and planned.

ENTERTAINMENT VALUE – Whether or not things make sense, a script or movie has to do 1 thing well, and that’s entertain.  This does not, in any way, shape, or form.

I remember reading a scene involving the girls at the shop making and talking about coffee for at least 2 pages, and kept laughing, thinking this just can’t be.  The vast majority of the script is completely meaningless and void of entertainment value.  The conversations between characters were mostly all about nothingness, and/or things completely irrelevant to the story.

I hate to say it, but this is probably the single most dull script I’ve ever come across.  I have to wonder what you were thinking when you decided on this story, because I just don’t see a story here, especially for the genre of “thriller”.  There aren’t any thrills.  There really isn’t any mystery, because the mystery involving Celia’s dead husband isn’t played up to be a mystery.

Cathy, again, I am very sincere in complimenting you for finishing a feature in a short time period.  It is a great accomplishment.  I apologize for being so blunt and honest in my review, but I mean it all as help, and truly hope you take it that way.

This just didn’t work for me on any level, at any point, for any amount of time.  I honestly don’t see enough of a plot, story, engaging characters, action, or anything here to even go about rewriting, but I think there is a lot you can take from this experience, which will help in your next script writing effort.

I hope this makes sense and helps, and I truly hope you don’t take anything I said the wrong way.

Take care.

PS  What does the title have to do with anything and what does it mean?


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 57
ajr
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Posts
1203
Posts Per Day
0.39
Jeff,

I haven't read this so it may be what you say it is, but honestly, how is repeating your criticisms over and over again helpful (as you claim at the end) in any way?

CathERINE is a regular at SS and out of her 66 posts I'd bet that 50 of them are reviews - of features, no less. And she didn't just write a feature - she completed the challenge in 7 weeks. I've read Catherine's stuff in the past and while I had some issues with her plot and choices, I recognized her writing talent.

Anthony


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 57
c m hall
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 12:55pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
peninsula of Jersey
Posts
435
Posts Per Day
0.14
"Cathy, again, I am very sincere in complimenting you for finishing a feature in a short time period."quote dreamscale  

Well, gee, Dreamscale, thanks for the sincere compliment!  I'll feed off of that for days!

"PS  What does the title have to do with anything and what does it mean?" quote dreamscale

C.C. World?  that's a reference to the magazine "Cold Cruel World", which is frequently mentioned in the story, and also the lead character's name is Celia Crapsey.  And, like, it's her world -- it's a cold, cruel world and it's also her world.  

I was the one who suggested that if any reader hates a script he or she quit reading and move along.  I'd like to mention it, again.



Cathy
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 57
Dreamscale
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
Blue


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
10018
Posts Per Day
2.64
Anthony, I was not aware that I repeated my criticisms over and over again.  Help me out here, bud.

I tried to be as exact as I could without going into a multiple post review.  I covered story/plot, characters, dialogue, logic, and entertainment value.  Each is a unique topic, so I'm not sure what you're saying here exactly.

Read the script, bud, and then post your thoughts, and we'll see where we differ in our opinions on it.

Also not sure what you're getting at by bringing up Cathy's posts.  I also mentioned that Cathy's writing was not the problem, that it was fairly clean and free of errors and that I had major issues with the plot and her choices.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 57
Dreamscale
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
Blue


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
10018
Posts Per Day
2.64
Cathy, I apologize, as my words have obviously upset you.

I'm a bit confused though, as Herman has posted twice on the script and neither was remotely positive and even used the word "mess" when describing the first page, yet you thanked him and didn't seem to have any issues with what he said.

The whole point of this challenge was for a group of writers to help each other conceive and write a feature length script in a 7 week time period, and then go about reviewing it and helping to make it all it can be.

If someone were simply to say "I hate this", and stop, what help is that?  It doesn't help at all.  I tried to give exact examples of everything I brought up, without going crazy with a multiple post review.

I stand by what I said 100%, and would be very surprised if others disagreed with me vehemently.  We'll see.  Hopefully Anthony gives this a read and throws some light on the points I brought up.

Again, I do apologize and feel bad about making you feel bad.  Not my intent at all.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 57
ajr
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Posts
1203
Posts Per Day
0.39
A disaster of epic proportions... issues that are insurmountable... downright laughable... a slow drama and not a thriller... single most dull script you've ever read... doesn't work for you in any way, shape or form...

Jeff, it's not what you say when you're giving examples of why something doesn't work for you, it's the editorializing you do afterward and the choices of words. Can you not see that? And yes, you keep saying the same thing, in a different way, by saying what I've outlined above.

It's the single most dull script TO YOU. It doesn't work in any way, shape or form TO YOU. Again, pointing out plot issues and character development is a somewhat objective exercise, yet your statements and phrases are subjective - so why the hyperbole in a 7 week challenge? And to a regular SS member?

And yes, it's a major turnoff, BUD, that you did this to a woman. Criticize me if you want for intimating that there are two sets of rules, but what you did is definitely not how my parents raised me. And get her name right - she calls herself Catherine, at least as far as you know.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 57
Dreamscale
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
Blue


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
10018
Posts Per Day
2.64
Anthony, I wasn’t aware that you and I had a problem.  I also wasn’t aware that you were involved in this 7WC in any way.  If you choose to read and review these scripts, that’s great, but to jump in and comment on someone else’s comments, on a script you have absolutely no clue what you’re talking about, is pretty asinine.

Your quotes of my comments are taken out of context, when you don’t use the entire quote, or show how I used the piece of quote you decided to note.  And again, without reading the script, how and why are you questioning my point of view?

Why are you involving yourself in the way I comment on a script that has nothing to do with you?  Are you and Miss Hall secretly having a fling?  This is just bizarre.  Sometimes things need to be said again and again in different ways to get the point across.  Would you have a problem if I praised the script again and again in different ways?

Yeah, these are my comments…my thoughts…my opinions on this script.  That’s what everyone’s reviews are based on…their own feelings when reading the script.   Although many of the issues involved here are clearly written in stone and pretty much impossible to argue against, most reviews involve the reviewers’ feelings, pertaining to the script in question.

To a regular SS member, as opposed to what?  Should my feelings be different based on who wrote the script?  I don’t care if Steven Spielberg wrote this script.  My comments would be identical…probably worse, because I would expect more from Mr. Spielberg.

And now, you’re saying something about reviews should be different for women and men?  What fucking planet are you living on, BUD?  I HIGHLY doubt any women will agree with you on this point, and look forward to hearing the backlash.  Did I say something that was offensive to women or Miss Hall in general?  Did I put her down in some way that I’m not aware of?  Did I make sexist remarks and assumptions?

What did I do again that goes against the way your parents raised you?  Did they raise you to treat women and men differently in terms of reviewing their work?  Did they somehow infer for you to think women’s work is better than men’s work, just because they’re women?

DUDE, WTF?

As far as I know, she calls herself Cathy, or at least that’s what I’ve seen others call her and I don’t recall her chiming in, saying not to call her that.  Are you speaking for her, for some odd reason?  Is there more than meets the eye here, BUD?

Weird…really, really weird!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 57
ajr
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Posts
1203
Posts Per Day
0.39
First, it's an issue of respect - if the writer completes an assignment in proper screenplay format, shows a talent for writing, and is an active reviewer on SS, then they're not wasting anyone's time, like a newbie would who doesn't know the craft or drops a script and runs. Your review is one that you'd give to a newbie. But why would I expect you to know that? You'd review Spielberg the same way. Be proud.

Second, your reply, especially your comments about me and "Ms. Hall", illuminates you better than any response from me would.

And frankly I'm not in the mood today. I'm a really easy-going guy - or a vindictive Neopolitan. Usually I let people choose which one they want to associate with.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 57
c m hall
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
peninsula of Jersey
Posts
435
Posts Per Day
0.14
Dreamscale, you did not upset me.  You did not please me but that's a long way away from upsetting me.
Obviously you just don't like my script and that's fine, maybe nobody will.  Maybe I'm writing for an audience that doesn't exist.  Could well be.

But I'm a grown up lady and have had much worse shots taken at me and I've survived it.

I thanked Herman for his remarks and I thanked you, too.  

AJR, baby, you're the greatest.

CMH
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 57
Dreamscale
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
Blue


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
10018
Posts Per Day
2.64
Anthony, as always, when these sort of things pop up, I try and stay level headed, and respond to exactly what is being thrown my way.

So, an issue of respect...you're saying I was disrespectful to CM Hall.  That was not my intent in any way.  I did not say her script was a waste of anyone's time.  Apparently, I'm the only one who's even read it, for God's sake!  My review was not what I would give a "newbie".  Check out some of the reviews I have given to "newbies" and you'll see the difference.  My point about Spielberg, obviously, is that my opinion would not be swayed based on who writes a script...if it's good, it's good, if it's not good, it's not good.  I don't jump on bandwagons and I don't play favorites.  I am 100% honest in the comments I give each and every time.

"Second, your reply, especially your comments about me and "Ms. Hall", illuminates you better than any response from me would." - HUH?  WTF is that supposed to mean?  You don't know a fuckin' joke when you see one?  Obviously, little Anthony, I was tying to make a point that unless you have some sort of relationship with CM Hall, it makes ZERO sense for you to get involved and get all worked up about something you know nothing about and have nothing to do  with. Capice?

You're not in the mood for what?  You're the one who started this entire thing, Anthony?  Am I wrong?  What am I missing here?  You're obviously in the mood or you wouldn't keep commenting over and over.  Is this an irritating bad dream?  I'm always an easy going guy.  I go out of my way to help people. I go above and beyond what others do on a daily basis.  I had to look up your Neapolitan comment...now that I understand, I'm wondering what your intent with that comment is.  Does it mean I better back off and apologize again? Should I be afraid...very afraid?

This whole thing just has me so confused.  I'm really sorry about all this, C.M. Hall.  You should probably jump in here and let us know your feelings about all this, you know?


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 57
ajr
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Posts
1203
Posts Per Day
0.39
I'm not going to hijack this thread any further with a back and forth Jeff, I just came here to say that yes, you're right, o Lord of the fair review - you shouldn't stick up for someone unless you're banging them...

*sigh*


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 57
 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Thriller Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006