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Trixie Woo by Christine Grail & Matthew R. Paden - Short, Comedy - A shy comic book geek, decides on a whim to hire an Asian Escort. 13 pages - pdf, format
This script is funny and has a quite an easy flow. It was enjoyable to read, oh dear that sounds wrong, but I hope you know what I mean. I couldn't find any problems, with formatting or grammar, so it was written well. I definetly encourage you to keep on writing scripts, hopefully you'll post more funny ones in the future.
hey guys, so first and foremost, kudos on a well written script. as ryan and tyler previously mentioned, it flows nicely. and i didnt find any mistakes upon my initial reading. thanks for taking the time to proof read your work before posting.
as for the story, some things worked for me while others didnt. i liked oliver, yet his attitude toward trixie seemed to fluctuate. sometimes he was super shy and reserved while other times he was too forward and brash. i'd make him super awkward all the time (especially given the circumstance). as for trixie, i laughed when she dropped the whole slutty asian whore act and revealed her true nature. but here's the thing, she's still a prostitute. if she's a hooker, then i highly doubt she's going to deny someone their first time. furthermore, the ending really doesnt redeem her character. she's still not all that likable, especially when considering she's an interior design student. she's not working the street corner to feed her baby. she's working it to pay off her student loans. the audience could easily tell where it's going, but we really dont want it to go there. especially when she starts acting all sweet and nice, like oliver could have found his future gf.
im probably looking too deep into the whole prostitute thing. its just hard to be sweet when thats lurking in the background. i felt the same way about pretty woman. not looking down on hookers, but it takes a certain personality to be one and it makes for an awkward romantic match with the lead character (especially for someone who's so naive)
I liked it. Well written, and overall very well done. Only thing that stuck out to me was the repeated use of 'saunter.' Try, amble, stroll, mosey, tarry, sashay, dally, or any other synonym of saunter! ; )
Taking TheSecond's comment a bit further, you have a few instances of repetitious words/phrases. "No worries", "I just so happen", etc. (BTW, I think your first use of the latter was "happened", so you'll want to fix that.)
Also, I did get a little tired of seeing the character names offset like:
OLIVER
notices his comic book on the night stand.
But yeah, I agree that overall it's a well-written script, so good job
On a side note, to combat albinopenguin's comment that she wouldn't deny someone their first time (which is fair enough), you could maybe have her instead use the argument that first timers get emotionally attached and could just as easily turn stalker once the romp is over. Personally, I'd believe that a bit easier.
Page 1 - "The Tumbleweed Inn, is a low-rent flophouse." Why the comma? That is incredibly awkward to read, and it's one of the first lines. "Oliver’s Honda, is parked outside his room." Same problem. "CHEEP MOTEL ROOM" - Cheep is the sound a bird makes. "Cheap" is the word you are looking for.
The phone conversation's "(listens)" are unnecessary and pad out the dialogue for that sequence for about a quarter of a page longer than it should be. Ellipses or, if you do them well, beats will be much more effective.
Page 3 + 4: Apostrophes have been replaced with what appears to be computer code.
Page 6: the character's names being capitalized multiple times and being offset is unnecessary.
End notes.
I can't say I laughed out loud at any point, but you've written a clever short here. The ending, not really a "twist" per se, is really nice and I appreciated the kindness of Trixie (pam's?) character.
Like I said in my notes, your formatting is odd and you have a few distracting mistakes, especially with sentence structure. Go through the script a few times and you'll catch them all.
"Hooker with a heart of gold" is hackneyed and stereotypes but you made it work well here. There's nothing groundbreaking to be found in your short but it's enjoyable nonetheless.
I'd accept that Rdhay. Perhaps thats why I found it hard to digest (since she gave no plausible reason why she wouldnt sleep him...besides the fact that its his first time).
Eh... I don't know about this one. The character dynamics were interesting but the characters themselves were cliche'd as can be. The humor was, for lack of a better word, adequate. A couple fun gags in there but nothing to write home about (except maybe "jimmy caps"... lolwut?).
The ending was an excellent twist in that it was a complete blindside and turned the story on its head. Whatever success your script has in it, this is where it has the most.
Still, it didn't hold water for me. I mean... who is this woman that she decides to become a prostitute to pay the bills while she's in school (art school, it seems)? What is it about her personality that made her decide this was the best course of action. Porn seems like a more believable route but even that requires some development as it takes a special kind of person to want to do this stuff, not your average girl next door.
Also... virginity too much responsibility? You mean not too much responsibility. I mean, I'm sure she would've been finished in like two minutes. Probably less. In any case, what I gathered was that she was supposed to have grown a conscience... why? If she's desperate enough to whore herself out for money, why draw the line at something as simple as this?
Too many questions to be completely effective.
In any case, it's short, to the point and seems like something someone would be interested in producing. Needs work is all.
This is all very nice... the feedback, I mean, and I know it's a bit quiet on SS... but Grail and Paden haven't even made an appearance. Bit like not turning up for your own surprise party, imho.
If you want to critique something 'active' take a look at Showdown 12 in the Collaborative Thread, or at least a script where the writer is actually going to appreciate the feedback. Don't mean to offend, and each to their own, but I just don't get this. Proves I suppose, how integral a title for a script can be.
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Trixie Woo
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