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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Glitch - optioned - Help It Get Made! Moderators: bert
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  Author    Glitch - optioned - Help It Get Made!  (currently 4194 views)
Don
Posted: February 7th, 2015, 9:43am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Glitch by Anthony Cawood - Short, Sci Fi, Drama - A desperate wife resorts to extreme measures to ensure her husband gets the lifesaving operation he needs.  - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work





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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (5 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  July 14th, 2017, 4:54pm
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Stumpzian
Posted: February 7th, 2015, 2:51pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

Boy, you sure turn these out. One good idea after another.

The premise for this one is first rate. I was riveted to the "procedure" as it was happening.

Things to think about:
1. When a person's appendix needs to come out, the pain beforehand is ACUTE. George didn't seem to be in any pain at all.
2. Could you do without the beginning section? Start in the kitchen?
3. George's comment at the end: Is  it too comical for what we've (audience) just been through? Might work on the screen as comic relief, though. Not sure.

Henry



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Iancou
Posted: February 7th, 2015, 3:25pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

I have to say that was a good one. It definitely grabbed your attention and held it. Aside from Henry's comments, I would add that I wonder why Amber isn't visibly shaking due to nerves-- she is about to cut open her husband.

I probably would have ended with the question:
"Hey, how we gonna do my vasectomy now?" Gallstones are soooo humdrum. You say "vasetomy" and every male will have sympathy pains.

Anyway, an enjoyable script that would be easy to film. Keep them coming.

Ian


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 7th, 2015, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Henry/Ian, thanks for the reads and comments, really appreciated.

Henry
Re the pain, I had him wincing when swapping the bulbs but I think you are right, I'll amp that up some more.
Beginning, wanted to show the getting of the bootleg and the flying cop car, just to show the futuristic part.
Agree re ending, but currently drwing a blank for something else.

Ian
Good point re the nerves, will add in some additional elements.
Vasectomy... I actually started with that as the main procedure, wrote a couple of pages, but felt too comic given the tone I was going for.

Glad you both liked in the main though, glad I manged to get the prodecure to work well for you both.

Thanks

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Stumpzian
Posted: February 7th, 2015, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AnthonyCawood
Re the pain, I had him wincing when swapping the bulbs but I think you are right, I'll amp that up some more.


It's been a long, long time since it happened to me, but the pain was terrible.


Quoted from AnthonyCawood
Beginning, wanted to show the getting of the bootleg and the flying cop car, just to show the futuristic part.


Ah...I see. I 'd say make it a bit clearer, BUT -- it'll be clear on the screen.

[/quote]




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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 7th, 2015, 6:06pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Henry - and thanks for the comment re the ideas too, had just finished 1st draft of a feature and had a bit of creative energy left

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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bboots
Posted: February 8th, 2015, 5:05pm Report to Moderator
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Kept me riveted too...I did not get that it was futuristic by the mere mention the cop car "glided" by. The opening scene was a bit confusing in that "Tall guy" was later changed to George..Good read though, suspenseful and required a bit of medical knowledge...nice job
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 8th, 2015, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading and the comments Rick, appreciated.

I originally had 'flew', will revert to that to ensure it's clear.

Tall Guy, was just trying to keep it enigmatic at the start, may yet change this too,

Many thanks

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Lightfoot
Posted: February 8th, 2015, 10:44pm Report to Moderator
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I was a bit lost at first from the tall figure and little figure, but reading further I realized it must've been George.

Top of page 2 - "taller thanís decent"

- Final Fantasy 15
- Gears of War 12
- GTA 11

In all honesty, I wouldn't be surprised if they games do actually come out.

I enjoyed this, first time surgeon with a buggy guide makes this risky procedure amusing, I was expecting some sort of "catch" at the end, maybe a step that the machine skipped or maybe he was going to wake up to find himself cut open, machine malfunctioning, and his wife going crazy, but it was good.



  
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 9th, 2015, 2:41am Report to Moderator
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Hey Lightfoot, thanks for the read and comments really appreciated.

I'll try and change the intro a little to make it a bit clearer.

Re the games, agree

Ending, yes I think it needs some work too, waiting for the muse to strike.

Cheers

Anthony  


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: February 13th, 2015, 6:49am Report to Moderator
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Antony,

Another well written entertaining piece from you.

The beginning is a bit vague. Are the two cloaked figures the husband and wife? All these scenes seem to be there for is to let us know this is a sci-fi setting. I think you could just start in the kitchen and still convey that.

The amateur surgery using the VR helmet is really what makes this short stand out. It adds tension as well as comedy and I think it was a great choice to make the VR helmet's AI a bit flaky.

You did your research and sold the operation on me. Although I'm not qualified at all in this area it seemed very believable to me.

The ending fell a bit flat though. If he did need two operations she could have carried on while he was open to do that. He would need to recover from this operation before having another.  Alternative ideas:

-He wakes up to find out she's taken out the wrong organ. (Comedy)
-She's killed him. As she's sobbing we cut to the VR helmet. It offers the opportunity to re-try from a saved place. (Tragic)
-We cut to them later eating his cooked appendix, he makes a joke about it tasting better raw (Just Plain Weird)

Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 13th, 2015, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark thanks for the read and the notes, really appreciated.

A few people have commented on the opening sequence, which is meant to be a clandestine meeting where he buys the dodgy software... it's clearly too vague/subtle, will look to revise.

Thank you re the AR/VR, that was my 'what if' for this short, and the operation was research a little and isn't too far away from reality and great that the tension is coming over.

The ending for this one is definitely it's weak spot at the moment, thanks for the alternative suggestions... I may well mash them together!

Cheers

Anthony  


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: February 13th, 2015, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Anthony,

Always like to read your work.

You created great tension during the operation. Edge of the seat stuff...really well handled.

That scene is so good it feels like it belongs in a bigger script, one where it plays a bigger role, in a bigger story.


Like Forrest Gump....that's all I have to say about that.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 13th, 2015, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Scar thanks for taking a read, appreciated as always,

Fantastic that the operation scene worked so well for you, great to get such universally positive feedback on it.

Part of a larger script, hmm, hadn't thought of that... possible... have to expand Graft first

Cheers

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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eldave1
Posted: February 13th, 2015, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
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Enjoyed the read - well done.

On the real picky side - I kept stumbling over this description:

Code

GEORGE, late 20s, super thin and taller thanís decent, steps 



I would just go with very tall or taller than average. Maybe it's just me.

Yo have already received some comments on the opening - I concur with them. I would rather have the wife and husband together agonizing over whether they ought to buy the thing or not.

Overall - compelling stuff here. I think it has a great premise for a feature.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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