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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Lullaby - Filmed as "Hush" - Watch Full Movie Moderators: bert
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  Author    Lullaby - Filmed as "Hush" - Watch Full Movie  (currently 3708 views)
Don
Posted: June 12th, 2016, 8:33am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Lullaby by Warren Duncan - Short, Horror - A dad pushes his daughter on a park swing. A perfectly innocent moment until itís not. 3 pages - pdf, format


++++++++++++
The Film

Hush (Horror Short Film) from Logan Ward on Vimeo.



Teaser


Hush (Horror Short Film Trailer) from Logan Ward on Vimeo.



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  July 18th, 2018, 11:54am
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 12th, 2016, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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Some of the imagery in this is great but the lack of any real build up makes it more of a sketch than a full blown story... is this mean to be part of something bigger?


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Warren
Posted: June 12th, 2016, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Anthony,

Thanks for the read and comment. The backstory to this is that it's the first short I've ever written and only the second piece of writing I've ever done. The first being a feature in this weeks unproduced scripts.

Until last week I had never seen a short (I know that's terrible), but once I found them I loved them. The one that stuck with me the most was Bedfellows. The way the writer (and the rest of the team) could conjure up such emotion in a little over two minutes, just brilliant.

That was my attempt with Lullaby. So in answer to your question, no it wasn't meant to be part of something bigger, but that's why I joined Simply scripts to see where I'm falling short and hopefully become a better writer for it.

Thanks again for the read. It's the first criticism I've ever gotten on something I've written. Potentially the first time something I've written has ever been read by someone other than me.

I'm glad you liked the imagery.

Cheers.

Just a side note. I've been trawling this site for about a year now and understand the how it works. I look forward to sharing my thoughts on scipts I read.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 12th, 2016, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Warren, well as a first short this is a good effort, certainly for what is just one page!

Formatting, which often trips up new writers, is strong too.

Welcome to SS, get involved, comment on scripts etc and you'll get more reads back.

You might like this of mine on the other side of this coin - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1397909711/s-0/

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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MarkItZero
Posted: June 12th, 2016, 8:43pm Report to Moderator
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Warren -- This is a great first script. Cleanly written. Pretty disturbing lol, but good. I was very recently in the same position as you of not having anything I'd ever written read or critiqued before... it's slightly terrifying at first. Everyone's very helpful here though.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Warren
Posted: June 12th, 2016, 11:02pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony - I will have a read of that script today and let you know what I think.

Really did try to nail the formatting so I'm happy to hear that.


MarkItZero - Thanks for the read.  Disturbing is what I was going for, so that's great.

It is definately terrifying. I found it really hard to hit the submit button, releasing them into the world. I do look forward to hearing people's opinions though.


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RichardR
Posted: June 14th, 2016, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
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Warren,

Some notes.

As others have pointed out, this isn't a real story with a real ending.  It works for what it is, but it needs a bit more.  If disturbing is what you're looking for, you found it.

Best
Richard
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jwent6688
Posted: June 14th, 2016, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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This is pretty much a one pager with a cut or two. It would stand better on its own in that respect. There wasn't enough there to make the final scene have much impact on me. It needs more pages.

If it's formatting you're most concerned with here, Good luck. You will find different advice in every writer. I would've done the newspaper a tad different. No dashes unless it's a full slug.

INSERT NEWSPAPER

It reads "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH" and shows two pictures of her parents.

BACK TO SCENE

My two cents. It is well written, though. Just needs more guts.

James


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Warren
Posted: June 18th, 2016, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the reads.

I purposefully wrote this as a 'very short' short. I wanted to see what I could do and how effective it would be using imagery and setting tone is an extremely  short space of time.


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Dustin
Posted: June 18th, 2016, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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You start with an overcast day... but it may be better if it was sunny. Contrast. Maybe the play area is in fact in the killer's back garden. Although to begin with the viewer has the impression it's a public park. This way you can milk the reveal for quite a bit longer. Give us clues to the strangeness a bit at a time.

Either way though, this is all for the director and you to figure out. As it stands, the story does well enough on its own. It would be very easy to make. Good luck with it.
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Warren
Posted: June 18th, 2016, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, Dustin.

I did toss up about what tone I wanted the day to set, and I ran with overcast.

Good idea about using the strangers back yard, but  I like how brazen it is to take the crime out into the puplic. This also seems less possible on a beautiful, sunny day as that is usually when parks are full of kids.


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Angry Bear
Posted: June 18th, 2016, 6:05pm Report to Moderator
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Why are all serial killers and pedophiles most of the time overweight, balding and presumably white? It has sort of become cliche'.

Other than that, good job.


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Warren
Posted: June 18th, 2016, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
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So true Angry Bear, and I played right into it. I thought about swapping the characters but decided to go with the cliche'. I guess some just feel right.


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Wes
Posted: June 18th, 2016, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
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I do feel like this takes place in a public park.
And I'm mislead by the Log line. I eventually do figure out it's not Dad pushing his daughter but a pedophile pushing his victim. In Public. Which I have to doubt a pedophile would do.

On the other hand . . .
It is cleanly written. And disturbing. And the formatting is precise.
But it's only formatting of one page. Don't be surprised if, as your pieces get longer, it becomes harder to pass the formatting test around here. Be aware that formatting demands are different depending on which side of the pond the Critic is on. Just a hint.

So, as a germinal idea, it's a great seed. How about leaving your pedophile just as the cliche he is. Fat and balding. I can imagine an actor like John Candy (Yes, I know he's comedy. but imagine him) playing the part.

Now that I think about it. Your log line may have been right on. Anything else would have revealed too much before we read the single page.

I'm considered new here too. I vacillate from lurking to participating and back. Trying to be a good member.


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Warren
Posted: June 18th, 2016, 10:20pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, Wes.

Glad you seemed to like it. I will have a slightly longer short on SS soon. I have taken into account the tips I received from members of SS about formatting so we will see if the next script reads well.


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