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Lullaby by Warren Duncan - Short, Horror - A dad pushes his daughter on a park swing. A perfectly innocent moment until it’s not. 3 pages - pdf, format
Some of the imagery in this is great but the lack of any real build up makes it more of a sketch than a full blown story... is this mean to be part of something bigger?
Thanks for the read and comment. The backstory to this is that it's the first short I've ever written and only the second piece of writing I've ever done. The first being a feature in this weeks unproduced scripts.
Until last week I had never seen a short (I know that's terrible), but once I found them I loved them. The one that stuck with me the most was Bedfellows. The way the writer (and the rest of the team) could conjure up such emotion in a little over two minutes, just brilliant.
That was my attempt with Lullaby. So in answer to your question, no it wasn't meant to be part of something bigger, but that's why I joined Simply scripts to see where I'm falling short and hopefully become a better writer for it.
Thanks again for the read. It's the first criticism I've ever gotten on something I've written. Potentially the first time something I've written has ever been read by someone other than me.
I'm glad you liked the imagery.
Cheers.
Just a side note. I've been trawling this site for about a year now and understand the how it works. I look forward to sharing my thoughts on scipts I read.
Warren -- This is a great first script. Cleanly written. Pretty disturbing lol, but good. I was very recently in the same position as you of not having anything I'd ever written read or critiqued before... it's slightly terrifying at first. Everyone's very helpful here though.
Anthony - I will have a read of that script today and let you know what I think.
Really did try to nail the formatting so I'm happy to hear that.
MarkItZero - Thanks for the read. Disturbing is what I was going for, so that's great.
It is definately terrifying. I found it really hard to hit the submit button, releasing them into the world. I do look forward to hearing people's opinions though.
As others have pointed out, this isn't a real story with a real ending. It works for what it is, but it needs a bit more. If disturbing is what you're looking for, you found it.
This is pretty much a one pager with a cut or two. It would stand better on its own in that respect. There wasn't enough there to make the final scene have much impact on me. It needs more pages.
If it's formatting you're most concerned with here, Good luck. You will find different advice in every writer. I would've done the newspaper a tad different. No dashes unless it's a full slug.
INSERT NEWSPAPER
It reads "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH" and shows two pictures of her parents.
BACK TO SCENE
My two cents. It is well written, though. Just needs more guts.
I purposefully wrote this as a 'very short' short. I wanted to see what I could do and how effective it would be using imagery and setting tone is an extremely short space of time.
You start with an overcast day... but it may be better if it was sunny. Contrast. Maybe the play area is in fact in the killer's back garden. Although to begin with the viewer has the impression it's a public park. This way you can milk the reveal for quite a bit longer. Give us clues to the strangeness a bit at a time.
Either way though, this is all for the director and you to figure out. As it stands, the story does well enough on its own. It would be very easy to make. Good luck with it.
I did toss up about what tone I wanted the day to set, and I ran with overcast.
Good idea about using the strangers back yard, but I like how brazen it is to take the crime out into the puplic. This also seems less possible on a beautiful, sunny day as that is usually when parks are full of kids.
So true Angry Bear, and I played right into it. I thought about swapping the characters but decided to go with the cliche'. I guess some just feel right.
I do feel like this takes place in a public park. And I'm mislead by the Log line. I eventually do figure out it's not Dad pushing his daughter but a pedophile pushing his victim. In Public. Which I have to doubt a pedophile would do.
On the other hand . . . It is cleanly written. And disturbing. And the formatting is precise. But it's only formatting of one page. Don't be surprised if, as your pieces get longer, it becomes harder to pass the formatting test around here. Be aware that formatting demands are different depending on which side of the pond the Critic is on. Just a hint.
So, as a germinal idea, it's a great seed. How about leaving your pedophile just as the cliche he is. Fat and balding. I can imagine an actor like John Candy (Yes, I know he's comedy. but imagine him) playing the part.
Now that I think about it. Your log line may have been right on. Anything else would have revealed too much before we read the single page.
I'm considered new here too. I vacillate from lurking to participating and back. Trying to be a good member.
Glad you seemed to like it. I will have a slightly longer short on SS soon. I have taken into account the tips I received from members of SS about formatting so we will see if the next script reads well.
Other than that: clean writing, proper formatting (not really sure about the newspaper insert thing tho as I don't use this kind of stuff), well done for a one page short script. But like the others already said there should be a bit more depth to the story.
I am very excited to announce that Lullaby was picked up by Sinister Films two days after being submitted to Simply Scripts.
Casting will start next week, with filming anticipated to start mid to late July.
This is a great crew, and I look forward to seeing this project come to life. I know it is in good hands.
I have added a link to Insomniac, Sinister Films first project, and Pig Man, their most recent. Insomniac is another SS script, written by David M Troop.
Nice Warren, us SS newbies gotta represent! Lol. Look forward to seeing this filmed. Don't think I know David but if he's a regular here I'll check out Insomniac too.
Sorry for the bump, but as this is my first script to ever be produced, I just had to share.
Casting is done! I'm very happy with the look of the actors. Kaylee looks slightly older than I imagined in the script but it will still work well.
Filming will start very soon.
Lullaby will also be filmed under it's original name, Hush. I initially decided against Hush because there is a movie that came out this year with the same name. After talking it over we decided Hush just fit better and the two pieces really have nothing to do with each other.
The script is written as an overcast day. Have to remember this is low budget stuff, they would have had to shoot on the day they organised the actors and crew for. I imaging that sometimes you have to take what you are given. I think it looks great regardless although I would have preferred an overcast day, I'm definitely not losing any sleep over it.
I have still have had no contact from the original filmmaker who shot this, made a teaser then vanished, however I was on my IMDb today because I was updating my website and a new film poster has appeared with a release date of 2018. Maybe the original film isn't dead in the water just yet.
I had something like this happen when I thought it was dead in the water. At that point I didn't want it to come to fruition and had no clue it had been produced. Their Option had run out and it was with someone else. Kinda screwed things up. With some producers you never can tell...
I have still have had no contact from the original filmmaker who shot this, made a teaser then vanished, however I was on my IMDb today because I was updating my website and a new film poster has appeared with a release date of 2018. Maybe the original film isn't dead in the water just yet.
Hmm. How odd - I just posted a thread on one of mine (He Drives Them Crazy) that seems to have gone the same route. Can't figure why folks go through all that work.
I assume you retained all rights to your script - yes?
Hi Warren. This script is beautifully written with very vivid images. I can see why it had been filmed.
It's very disturbing how many children come up missing.
Any plans for making this into a feature? I think that would work out very well for you.
A big congrats to you, Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
So this is literally the first short I ever wrote and yesterday it was filmed for the second time.
Here is some behind the scenes footage from the set. It always blows my mind to see what goes on behind the camera and the idea that all those people are there making my words come to life.
Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one? Analyst, mentor, competition reader/judge, film critic, magazine article/blogger. https://simpsonliteraryagency.com/script-analyst