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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  Super Scoop - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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Don
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Super Scoop by My Name Here - Short, Comedy - Lois Lane gets an exclusive interview with Wonder Woman. Do you really want an answer to that question? - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Nolan
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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I'm a Superman fan, so when I read the logline to this I was drawn into it right away.  I figured he'd get mentioned in here at some point

I was a little thrown off from Wonder Woman using the F bomb a few times.  I feel like she would be more classy in her insults.  I also think they should be doing more than just sitting down.  It's kind of dull to just be sitting there at the table talking for the whole script.  But, I did chuckle a couple of times.  Perhaps they do the interview walking down the street?  I don't know.  

That's really all I've got for you.  It was okay, I think I just wanted more in terms of the two characters doing something a little more interesting.

Nolan
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eldave1
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
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Kudos for having to tackle a comedy. Format - structure wise etc everything is fairly solid here - I just didn't laugh. The theme was a little too one beat (i.e.,  bring up male superhero and then her bash male superhero). Since I knew what was coming - the element of a comedic surprise was lost.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Disco Cactus
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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One Rule: KEEP WRITING

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Lots of typos throughout, definitely distracted from what was otherwise a well written script.

I actually thought this was kind of funny. Not laugh out loud funny, but I certainly chuckled here and there.

The ending could have used more of a punch.

Not bad at all. I'm curious to see who wrote this one.

~Zack~


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Dreamscale
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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Oh boy...I was seriously hoping things would pick up, but after a few pages of nothing but dialogue, I started skimming...and saw nothing changed.

Lots of typos and mistakes throughout.

Not funny at all.  Using characters who are already established almost feels like a pisser.

No action.  No story.  No nothing.  Doesn't work at all for me, and fels like very little effort went into this.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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pale yellow
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
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OMG you have me laughing in the first paragraph with those descriptions for ex. 'smoking hot sweater'

I wanted to like this but after three pages of dialogue, I found myself skimming. It's so hard to really retain the reader when you have that much dialogue and with this being an interview... you have to really nail the dialogue. It's hard. And writing comedy is super hard. You did get a chuckle from me here and there.

Structurewise it's ok...no big twists or surprises. Writing is ok...typos here and there but that's to be expected in a one week rush job.

Good on you for completing a script this OWC which was more than I accomplished.


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Female Gaze
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not so sure how I feel about this one. On one hand, it's cool getting these two together, on the other hand, I have to essentially forget everything I know about these characters in order to really enjoy what you're trying to do here.

This is soooo not like these two. Neither Lois or Diana would ever be so petty.  Diana would never ever resort to such cruel mean girl behavior. Lois is so secure in herself and Clarks feelings for her that she would never be baited into a jealous fit.

I wish this had taken a different turn. Maybe have them not talk about all the eligible superdudes and focus on something a little more meaningful...like the misogynistic undertones of the other figures in their world. With the exception of Bruce.
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irish eyes
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 9:33pm Report to Moderator
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Kind of a one trick pony... interview between Lois and Wonder Woman  that's it.

Not really my thing as far as story goes. If she was on an Island inhabited only by woman then how was Steven Turner there? or did I pick that up wrong?

It was well written just not interesting to me sorry


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LC
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Well, I chuckled at Diana saying Bruce is a dick.

Your dialogue is fine. I believed this was two gals interacting with one another. And I believed they were two very different characters with unique voices.

Not laugh of loud, but you came up with something creative in a difficult genre.
Good job.

P.S. Good title befitting the story too.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 3:02am Report to Moderator
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I liked the concept.

The story, not so much. It was a bit of a one trick pony and it got old pretty fast, sorry to say.

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Conz
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
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What question?  What is that logline talking about?  Is this gonna be about both of them having a relationship with Superman?  I’m not well versed in comics to know if Wonder Woman and Kal-el ever shacked up.

That being said, I’m glad to read a comedy.  I wish I pulled that genre.

This is the 3rd script I’ve read that didn’t CAP the characters on first intro.  I mean, obviously it doesn’t change the read in any way, but I just assume that’s screenwriting 101 and should just be natural at this point.

“thanks.”  Typo in first 3 lines is never encouraging.

Cashier doesn’t even need to speak.  “Hi, welcome to Starbucks” is a line of dialogue that doesn’t need to be in this script.

Where’s the comedy?  Wonder Woman just speaking like an asshole is funny?  Also, she’s not very womanly.

Page 6 and we’re getting to the uncomfortable Superman stuff I was waiting for.

Eh, this could be a nice little skit If tightened up.  There were a few inside baseball funny lines sprinkled in, but I wouldn’t say I liked your take on Wonder Woman.  
Thought this was gonna evolve into more of a cat fight over Superman, but I like the last line twist.  Diana just breaking balls.

Decent.  I think this was a good way for a guy who is clearly a fan of comics to come up with an all female script, I just don’t think Wonder Woman felt very feminine.


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

"Career" Highlights
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stevie
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 9:16pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked this one!  Prolly my fave so far. You got a tough - for some - genre: comedy, and you really put some good effort into it!. I laughed out loud quite a few times and I'm pretty fussy with my comedy lol.

The only thing I would change is to insert some more action lines. Have them walking around or something. Although it is a talking heads script, there are ways to lessen the effect.

Oh but then you would have to not show any males, right? So the cafe was a good choice.

Good stuff!


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Cam Gray
Posted: January 31st, 2017, 12:49am Report to Moderator
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Yep, comedy can be tough, especially as it's such a subjective genre.

I'm afraid you didn't sink my comedy boat with this one. It started alright, and then just ended up as a long conversation, which ain't that great spread out over several pages. Superheroes, just due to the nature of their hobby, are an exceptionally physical bunch and so whilst I appreciate the juxtaposition in the coffee house, I can't help but feel you missed a trick by avoiding some physical comedy.

Anyway, not terrible but not great,

Cam


Tommy's Millions - https://tinyurl.com/lgugbvz
Dick Jokes - http://tiny.cc/qw0cay
Mother Nature's Joke - https://tinyurl.com/mncf7am
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PrussianMosby
Posted: January 31st, 2017, 10:58am Report to Moderator
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Solid title
Not my type of logline so actually "No"

Of course it was clear this is going to be a satire.

I even think this could work, but only as a two or three minute take. A viral clip with some jokes and goodbye.

It's really a mass of dialogue here. Two people talking about an absent third one does not work very well in general. So, I don't think it could hold our interest so long, having them talk about Superman and all those others…

As said, a quick take could work. Solid effort.


No End of Wolves   (9p - psychological horror)

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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 31st, 2017, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
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There's only one Wonder Woman in my book, Linda Carter, and she'd never talk like this

Joking aside, I kinda liked this, made me smile.

Decent effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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