SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is November 24th, 2017, 3:30pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship
Who Wrote What

The Writer's Choice



The breakdown has been posted

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  The Tenderest Cuts -OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    The Tenderest Cuts -OWC  (currently 821 views)
Don
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 10:37am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
11592
Posts Per Day
1.89
The Tenderest Cuts by Anonymous - Short, Horror - When a couple rebuffs their sex-obsessed roommate, they set free her inherited psychological craftsmanship. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
eldave1
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Southern California
Posts
2863
Posts Per Day
2.36
Well, that was certainly dark.

Quoted Text

Behind a desk sits Susanna


I’ll only site it once – put there are several places in the script where the action should be flipped, IMO. e.g., the above reads better as Susanna sits behind a desk. Several instances of this.


Quoted Text
SAM
Nothing. I--Susanna prepares a snack for us.
Is preparing?


Quoted Text
Rosie takes seat beside Susanna.


SUSANNA (O.S.) The tenderest flesh you'll ever eat. --- I'M READY
[/quote]
Does Rosie take  a seat by Susanna or Sam? – I got confused here.


Quoted Text
Susanna storms out of the kitchen, carries three empty plates, two of them with cutlery on it.

Should be storms into the Dining Room – at least based on the SLUG.


Quoted Text
SUSANNA
"Yours" tastes good too.

Yours – or hers?  i.e., since  you end the sentence with “too”

Liked the ending. Did not expect that at all.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 27
Female Gaze
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
Purple


It's not who will let me; It's who will stop me?

Posts
354
Posts Per Day
0.58
What is men's obsession with describing female character's hair length, color, and texture? I will never understand that. What if the actress is completely diff from that description then what? It has nothing to do with the story.


Quoted Text
She stretches her
tanned legs, strokes the nipples of her small breasts while
watching Sam get her head blown away.


What now?

I don't even understand the point of the sex scene?

This is so vulgar. lol

This is so crazy and....like for real? Is this skinamax?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 27
Dreamscale
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
Blue


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
9970
Posts Per Day
2.73
Clueless as to what the logline is trying to say.

"longish" - Really?

More lesbians, huh?

What does "get her head blown away" mean?  No clue.

Well..not really sure what to say on this one.  Although the writing was competent, even assured, it was also hard to follow, and for some reason, just not an easy read.  I had trouble visualizing exactly what was going on.

The dialogue seemed to be alright, but for some reason, it didn't come off as believable.

The whole plot and story didn't seem realistic, either, but again, I'm at a loss for really why.

The ending for me was a let down, with the Hannibal Lector angle, but I can see how some may really appreciate this.

It's a solid effort, but just not for me.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 27
LC
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 11:36pm Report to Moderator
Yellow


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
2354
Posts Per Day
0.70
Hmm, well I liked the psychological horror part of this and there's a decent idea behind it but once it veered off into cannibalism and Lecter being her father? I started scanning at that point.

Sometimes less is more, if you get what I mean.

50/50 on the dialogue, in other words hit and miss. I appreciate you wrote it with genuine sincerity and the characters, though they could do with a bit more meat on their bones (sorry 'bout the pun) were not caricatures.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 27
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 4:47am Report to Moderator
Yellow


Posts
2721
Posts Per Day
0.89
I'm not sure if this is a pisser, or not.

There were some laugh out loud moments for sure. So unrealistic...and yet, underneath it all there's the core of a decent story here about obsession, love , sex etc the desire to possess someone.


The letter at the end was unnecessary and cheapened it further.

This actually has some potential. I'm still not wholly sure if that's intentional, or not.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 27
Nolan
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
Purple


Posts
178
Posts Per Day
0.24
I had to read it twice because I missed some things.  Maybe it's because I'm not a lesbian, but if they invited her into their sexcapades, wouldn't they just be asking for trouble, especially if she's their roommate?  I could possibly see something like that working if the other woman didn't live with them.  

I don't have any problem with dark stories, but unfortunately I wasn't a fan of this one.  Sorry :s

Nolan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 27
Abe from LA
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 7:29pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Downey, California
Posts
481
Posts Per Day
0.11
The gory line, or story line was not of my taste. It didn't go down well, but I did a quick second scan and it read better. I was thinking that you could escalate the tension, before the final cut, with Rosie pushing for Susanna's removal.  And Sam making the tough but inevitable call.  Just a thought.
Well written in many ways, but so grim that I had to stop reading on first try.  The Hannibal closer was was okay, and did tie up why all of that letter-writing was necessary. I initially thought she was writing as some form of self-therapy.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 27
irish eyes
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 10:05pm Report to Moderator
Yellow


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1519
Posts Per Day
0.54
ohh somebody got porn as their genre

Well that was dark and I kinda knew who the father  as it's a similar theme, so you could have left the letter out.

It was well written, probably could have been toned down sexually and raised the tension in other aspects.

Good job on entering




Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 27
Conz
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 11:26am Report to Moderator
Purple



Posts
301
Posts Per Day
0.12
“her inherited psychological craftsmanship?”  no clue, guess I’ll find out.

“a longish piece of skin” – have to imagine there was a better way of writing this.

Nitpick – this goes for almost all sex scenes… no dialogue.  We already know she’s screaming in ecstasy, the generic “oh fuck.  Yes, Yes”  dialogue is just corny and unnecessary.

So far this is exactly what I WASN’T hoping for from this contest.  Every woman who read about this contest probably immediately had the same thought – “I bet these men just write some kind of lesbian fantasy.”  I’m no SJW, “fake fan of the Ghostbusters reboot just because I feel I’m supposed to be,” but come on, do we need nipple stroking, “clit, wet, crotch, juice”  ???

“I was sixteen when I stopped eating cocks.”  I’m bailing.  That line doesn't even ring natural from the most vulgar female character imaginable.

There may very well be an awesome horror twist in this script, but the writing is just lazy to me.  It would have been easy for every dude her to write like this.  “All females?  Shit, I’ll just write a lesbian porn.”  Maybe I’m being too hard on you – I probably am – but I just don’t feel like reading this.  


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

"Career" Highlights
-I have a single credit on my IMDB page.  
-One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back.  
-I have almost made $1000 with my writing!
-I've won 2 mugs... and a thong.  (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)

@vc_wg - because I crave attention
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 27
Digitaldecayfilms
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 11:58am Report to Moderator
Red



Location
Seattle, WA
Posts
54
Posts Per Day
0.16
The beginning of this script really felt it belonged in the world of French Extremity (i.e. Inside, High Tension, etc), but then it quickly spun out into generic torture porn, in my opinion.  Also, the Hannibal gag at the end made me groan.

I agree with a previous reviewer, I never like it when characters' physical characteristics are described in detail unless it will integral to the plot later.  I'd leave that to the casting director.

Most of the dialogue didn't feel real to me, specifically the "eating cocks" line.

I feel the real meat and potatoes of the story would have been more about the internal struggle for power in the threesome relationship, which you hint at, but instead you spent more time on the shock value of the gore.

Also, I didn't buy the Sam character suddenly becoming so traumatized that she becomes near catatonic.

Just my two cents.

Thanks!
Brian


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 10 - 27
JEStaats
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
The Wild West
Posts
282
Posts Per Day
0.59
That certainly was not safe to read at work.

Wow, not what I expected. A bit too forced and in your face for me. The Hannibal reference at the end was the highlight. Overall, not my bag.

Good effort for the time allotted!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 27
Cam Gray
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Glasgow
Posts
442
Posts Per Day
0.66
Yep, that was pretty dark. Am i on a list somewhere after reading that?? Only joking.

Look, positives are you've got your visualisations down well, almost too well in this instance (due to the subject matter). I couldn't see any formatting issues, but maybe that's because I was too distracted by what was going on in the piece. Maybe that's the point?

Anyway, it was a horror, and I'm truly horrified. You've got the writing down, but the subject matter was just too much for myself.

Cam


Tommy's Millions - https://tinyurl.com/lgugbvz
Dick Jokes - http://tiny.cc/qw0cay
Mother Nature's Joke - https://tinyurl.com/mncf7am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 27
MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 31st, 2017, 3:37am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
UK
Posts
1152
Posts Per Day
0.69
I'm not a fan of torture porn so this will probably heavily influence my review of this.

I struggled to follow who was fucking who or why, nor did I care for any of the characters. They all seemed to be the same, no discernible differences.  

I could see where it was leading to a mile off but I didn't buy how someone could suddenly go so psychopathic, it was out of left field.

Some of the sentences read strangely, easily fixed with a polish.

An all female cast, so points for that but this isn't one for me.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 13 - 27
DanC
Posted: January 31st, 2017, 3:55am Report to Moderator
Yellow


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1028
Posts Per Day
1.06
This didn't work for me either.  I was totally lost.  I think you also mixed up the characters at the beginning because it seems like you have the crazy chick in bed with Sam while the other plays with herself.

I don't know.  I was lost.  The beginning with the flesh thing doesn't hold any meaning.  

Sorry, but, this just didn't work.  It was very cliched  

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 27
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    January 2017 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006