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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  Life On A Dime - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Life On A Dime - OWC  (currently 1404 views)
Don
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 10:38am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Life On A Dime by Rachel Serling - Short, Psychological Thriller - A man's perfect life unravels in the space of one day.  - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 11:51am Report to Moderator
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Got a mother in it and another unnamed woman in high heels, so fails the challenge.

I didn't really get the point of the story, either.

I can't really give any advice because I don't really know what it's about. Ned's either gone mad, or he's been set up, but I can't follow the thread of either of those possibilities. The story, judging by the narrator, seems to want to be about a man seeking perfection and coming undone, but I don't see that actually happening in the script.


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eldave1
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
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First - a couple of nits:


Quoted Text
EXT. OCEAN ROAD - DAWN


Not sure about the slug here.  We are really inside and outside the car throughout the first scene. This is one of those places where I think INT/EXT – BLACK CONVERTIBLE ON DESERT ROAD (TRAVELLING) is more accurate.

I would probably add a little description for the Narrator


Quoted Text
Another crack of lightning, an even louder rumble of thunder. The car narrowly misses the Narrator standing on the road.

Ned’s car whizzed by him in the opening – This was confusing for me. Is the narrator changing locations?

On the story - I got confused in parts during Ned's ordeal at the end.  

Generally, the writing was solid but I felt a bit unrewarded by the ending. Just some loose connections - e.g., what was his relationship to Max - why is he in this? What about pursing perfection really leads here, etc.?

Gonna read it again later - make sure I didn't miss the mark


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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Opening Slug is incorrect.  Even if your point is that this is an open convertible, the Slug is wrong, as Eldave correctly pointed out.

Narrator?  Really?  On the road?  Like Twilight Zone or Night Gallery?  Yeah...uh...no...doesn't work for me at all.

Well, I'm out on Page 1, as there is a female in "Mom", which immediately fails the challenge parameters.  Sorry, but this was very simple in having only 1 sex in the script.

OUT...


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

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Dreamscale  -  January 28th, 2017, 11:03pm
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Female Gaze
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 10:45pm Report to Moderator
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It's not who will let me; It's who will stop me?

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Quoted from pale yellow
Read the other comments and I have to disagree about the opening slug. It's fine with me until you move INTO the car with the driver. Then you need an INT slug IMO.

Hmm Narrator huh? Original. I like stuff like this. It will drive the regulars crazy. One of my favorite all time movies is Moonrise Kingdom and they put a silly little Narrator guy in that flick. Also just started watching a Netflix series called Series of Unfortunate Events and they use a narrator in that. Got balls. Whether they are girl balls or guy ball I'm not sure because you have both men & women in this thing. Hmmmm wasn't that against the rules?? Well, I guess I could let this pass because she doesn't really speak and she's not seen all the way.

I still loved parts where you would freeze the screen. I could see that while I was reading.

Ok maybe I am weird but I like this piece. Good writing. Good dialogue(in the narrator). Unique feel. Mystery. I care about Ned.

I am still not sure I understand this completely. But nevertheless I really liked it. Good job writer.




This is great and all and I think we ladies have decided not to comment on each other's work just yet(at least I haven't).....but YOU"VE NEVER SEEN A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS the movie???? How?

That is all.

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Dreamscale
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 11:07pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Female Gaze
This is great and all and I think we ladies have decided not to comment on each other's work just yet(at least I haven't).....but YOU"VE NEVER SEEN A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS the movie???? How?

That is all.


Uhhh...you gals can and should comment on all the scripts...why not on the few female entries?

Bottom line here, as Rick and I clearly said, is that there are female characters and that makes this a complete fail, as it bucks the 1 rule we had here.

Sorry, writer, but you know you can't do that.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Female Gaze
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 11:24pm Report to Moderator
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It's not who will let me; It's who will stop me?

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Right, but I think we want to retain the anonymity, as we should. If I comment on hers and vice versa then that's it...

This is gonna be interesting bc we both got the same genre.  
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LC
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 11:49pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with Ashlie in this. We three? will be way too transparent. Happy to give feedback on all at the end.


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Female Gaze
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 11:51pm Report to Moderator
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It's not who will let me; It's who will stop me?

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Plus, is it not a lil tacky to comment on your own work? Just sayin'. Plus, I'm still not seeing this third script anywhere.
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LC
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 11:55pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Some people do it as a matter of course with OWCs, so as to fool, if nothing else.


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Dreamscale
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 12:09am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Some people do it as a matter of course with OWCs, so as to fool, if nothing else.


You have to comment on your own script.  You can gush, you can spew, or you can give your own  feedback on what you wrote.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Nolan
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 9:56am Report to Moderator
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Personally, I enjoyed the writing.  I was a little confused with the Narrator being on the road though, and everywhere else.  

I don't know what is going on.  Was he always crazy, or did he actually have this life and end up going crazy somehow?  Or did something happen while he was driving?  I'm guessing the writer wanted it to be like that, which I have no problem with.  

Anyway, despite the fact that there was a female in this, and technically it did fail the challenge, I didn't mind it.

Nolan
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Female Gaze
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 10:59am Report to Moderator
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It's not who will let me; It's who will stop me?

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Quoted from pale yellow
Sorry. I didn't know, because I'm female, I wasn't allowed to comment on this one. I did not even enter a script. I was simply looking to read last night and picked this one.

I won't read anymore. Sorry if I ruined this for any of the females that were in the challenge. I'm out.


No, me and LC were referring to JUST US bc we were the only ladies who entered this time around as it would ruin the anonymity.

Comment to your hearts desire.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 3:35am Report to Moderator
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Some good writing skills on display here. For my personal tastes it was a little too detailed, it made me think I was reading a short story instead of a script. If I were producing this I'd be struggling to get hold of the sheer amount of props and film a lot of the stuff mentioned in the script which are not actually essential to the story.

It seems to have mixed genders in this but I'll let that slip.

I'm  currently watching A Series of Unfortunate Events on Netflix and the narrator really reminds me of that, it made me chuckle. Although it seems he's the guy from the Twilight Zone?

There's quite a few camera shots specified. You don't normally specify camera shots in a spec script, a shooting script does that. Let your action tell us what we see, that will tell us all we need to know.

As for the story itself I became quite lost in the house. I don't know why he was there and what was going on. Did he really ask for the dog to go get help? I'm not sure if he's died in the car crash and this is some kind of hell or if he's somehow ended up in his friends house?

A decent effort, nice writing but it didn't seem to meet the criteria of the challenge (for me anyway) and I can't really figure out the story.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Conz
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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Rod Serling's in this one?

I really don't like the narration, can't lie.

I was just kidding, but i guess it really is Rod Serling.

Not entirely sure what's going on, but does that count as a woman in the script on page 8?

"Stoopid Goon?"

I was engaged, but somehow didn't care the whole time.  No offense.

I'm not sure that twist was earned, and i'm not sure i even followed everything.  The writing wasn't bad, but overall, i'm not too high on this story... and i admit it could just be b/c i'm a moron and didn't absorb a few key lines i was supposed to.


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

"Career" Highlights
-I have a single credit on my IMDB page.  
-One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back.  
-I have almost made $1000 with my writing!
-I've won 2 mugs... and a thong.  (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)

@vc_wg - because I crave attention
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