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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2017 OWC  ›  Did Everybody Pay Their Dues? - OWC Moderators: Dreamscale
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  Author    Did Everybody Pay Their Dues? - OWC  (currently 1381 views)
Don
Posted: July 21st, 2017, 11:04pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Did Everybody Pay Their Dues? by 0 - Short, Drama - Members of a legendary rock band visit the site of their most infamous concert.   12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  July 22nd, 2017, 11:09am
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LC
Posted: July 22nd, 2017, 2:07am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Mick? Keith? For once in your lives
can you listen to the drummer?
'

Ha! Very funny.  

I suppose you had to take one of the guys out of the picture, given the cast limit...

Innovative take on the challenge, and you definitely know your stuff.
I was wondering when the Stranger was going to finally appear. But he did.

You've a talent for this stuff. The lack of apostrophes makes me think it was hurriedly put together in which case you did good with all the banter and one liners, and you gave me a story I never knew about. Tragic, touching, funny.


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Heretic
Posted: July 22nd, 2017, 11:20am Report to Moderator
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Some good fun! Great concept here. Just a tad long for me -- the dialogue's good, but there's too much of it, especially when it occasionally sounds a bit too much like a history lesson. All I'm saying is that this needs an edit, though. All the parts are there, and it's a winning story.


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ReneC
Posted: July 22nd, 2017, 3:05pm Report to Moderator
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This feels like a veteran OWC writer who was seriously rushed for time. I could be wrong, of course...

I think this might be the most expensive OWC. Way to use that open budget! But is it really "stranger in a strange land?" It's more talking about when they were fish out of water back in '69, so I guess there's that.

It's really imaginative, I love the use of beloved characters and using a historic moment to tell something new and original. All the typos and grammatical errors, the slip-slide pace, the raw dialogue is what makes it feel rushed, and it's heavy on exposition at times, but overall I still like it. It's something I could see happening (except, maybe, for the ghost.)

It's unfilmable, so I'm not sure a rewrite is warranted. If you do decide to rewrite it, make it leaner, tighter, make the dialogue pop and fix the pace, and it could be a very interesting calling card.

Good job!


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Goodfella
Posted: July 22nd, 2017, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
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Did Everybody Pay Their Dues

Not too much to comment on with this one, besides a few typos and grammatical errors. Other than that, a solid script and story for the one week challenge. I won't even fret if this wins.


I'm not a pretentious douche about writing, or anything, but I sure as hell love it.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: July 22nd, 2017, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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Maybe the twist on the theme here is that it makes its audience feel like fishes out of water. It's a  no doubt banter fest, hard to get hooked, but it still warrants a look at what actually happened in 69 because I haven't heard of it prior to reading.

Still, I like the concept and the ghost of Meredith because I think it plays into a crossroads type narrative that resonates when exploring rock n roll lore. It was just hard for me to connect with some of the exposition laid out to understand the history.
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eldave1
Posted: July 23rd, 2017, 10:25am Report to Moderator
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Well, that was interesting.

Descriptions solid and crisp for the most part.

Premise - liked it.

Dialogue - an 80% here for me. A lot of the time it was just fine. However there were a few passages that were laden with exposition. The Stones were telling each other things in dialogue that they obviously already knew. Every time they did it was a bit of a hiccup for me. Yes, the writer has a big challenge here because most readers will not know the history and it is nearly impossible to introduce that history in current day action - hence - dialogue with too much exposition. I know it was forbidden for this OWC, but to me this is one of those scripts where the use of Flashbacks would be great (e.g., current day vs the actual day of the concert). I would consider that on a re-write.

Over all, a solid effort.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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Cam Gray
Posted: July 23rd, 2017, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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Fish out of water? Not sure.

It was okay. There was a hell of a lot of dialogue which I reckon could have been cut back, but it built up that band relationship.

The writer clearly knows his Stones, that's for sure. In my opinion Keith would have raised a lot more hell than he ended up doing, but maybe he's getting old and reformed in his latter years.

Not sure that it matched the parameters entirely, but despite the length it was a good little read.

Cam

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Cam Gray  -  July 23rd, 2017, 2:54pm
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Dustin
Posted: July 23rd, 2017, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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I'm not a fan and the dialogue was way too much for me. Just not my cup of char.
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Michael
Posted: July 23rd, 2017, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hi to all, it's great to be here.

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I was born and raised there in N.Calif.  Been to Altamont Speedway many times.  My Stepdad used to race NARC Sprint cars there.

When I read Altamont in your scene heading for some reason all my childhood started racing through my head.

My stepdad passed recently and I am sorry but I could not read past the first page.

I congratulate you on flooding my head with childhood memories...

Can't say much more...
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George Willson
Posted: July 24th, 2017, 7:17am Report to Moderator
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Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

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Ok. Hm. Well, I can see where you went for the fish out of water bit, and also where you felt like everyone might miss it so you stuck it right there in the dialogue in saying they're "outta their comfort zone". Ancientmusicians playing in an open field. I suppose that would be a bit out of their element.

But down to the nitty gritty. It was boring. I mean really boring. I know who they are. I'm familiar with the Rolling Stones. Clearly, there was a lot of research done here about this event (or you're clearly very familiar with it).

The ending felt very forced and artificial. They're out there chatting about some old event while they left the fourth member of their posse behind so he wouldn't break the character limit. When the stranger showed up in out of date clothing, it was clear who he had to be. The bad acting from old rockers was painful to witness in my head.

I suppose it was as interesting as a biography, but it didn't resonate much with me.


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CameronD
Posted: July 24th, 2017, 11:50am Report to Moderator
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Who opens the padlock? Magical and it does so by itself? Also, no need to show the van driver getting out and locking it once we saw it being opened.

Ok. So we have the Rolling Stones breaking into an old Speedway Scooby-Do style. This is gonna be interesting. I hope.

Lots and lots of talking. Nothing really happening at all. As they rolled up in the van there was some comedic interaction between the three and I was hoping this might be the Stones as the Three Stooges. Now that I would love. Sadly, the funny bits stopped and we just have lots of talking. It's not until the bottom of page 4 I even know they came here simply to jam.

Ok, skimming now as nothing is happening. Ok, seems like through their playing they've summoned the ghost of a fan who was killed at the show back in the 60's. A g'g'g' GHOST? I was right! This is Scooby-Do!

No conflict here. I'm being serious here, what if you had the jam session happen in all of the first two pages, then the band gets haunted by a ghost, and together the three of them have to work together to solve the mystery of who the ghost is. Yes it's a tried and true formula. But guess what, it works and would be interesting to read no doubt.


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khamanna
Posted: July 24th, 2017, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry I was going to read this one but feel like I shouldn't without the knowledge or appreciation of the aforementioned characters.
I started and noticed the resistance keeps building within me. What good will my review do if I'm like that? I don't see the story in it and may be it starts later on the pages - but I see that I would appreciate their talk if I knew them, at least liked them or something. And I neither.
So, I won't mark it on my voting list.
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JEStaats
Posted: July 24th, 2017, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
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It was a struggle for me to keep reading. It was really drawn out and could've been shortened a page or two? Very on the nose too. Does it meet the challenge? I think it's a stretch. Is the stranger in a strange place? He's been there since '69.

Good effort but not for me.
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DanC
Posted: July 25th, 2017, 1:18am Report to Moderator
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I agree with everyone else.  It fails the fish test.  

No action.  I knew of the incident.  

It won't ever be made, perhaps in anime, or as fan fic but, that's it.

Can't really add more.  It took too long to get there.

And what was the point?  Why didn't the ghost meet them elsewhere?  Now, if they had done drugs, then perhaps it'd make it more "did it or didn't it" happen?

Sorry
Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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