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For a guy who isn't big on Monopoly, I found myself surprised by the obvious scandal the more I read. The dialogue is really good, and dictates a fantastic pace. When these characters said something - I believed it. As expected, Chuck mimics his actions through the game. By the end I was relieved that nothing came across cheesy, it should've happened a dozen times but didn't.
I appreciate that the author didn't overload the characters on the first page, rather let us get to know Chuck and Hanna briefly before bringing others onboard.
The physical descriptions here are bland and common, although I did like Stephanie's farm-girl bit. Nothing else to say other than I enjoyed this one. Great work!
The game aspect was very well incorporated into this one. The characters, especially the two men, are well drawn and distinctive. The twist of the affair was given away just a little too quickly, but I still like how Chuck kept using items from the game to make his points. This is a very solid entry.
Are hotels green in the US version of Monopoly? Here the houses are green, the hotels are red.
I would have liked to have seen more nods to the game, but for a few hours effort this is good work. I was hoping for a clever twist, but it works as a linear story.
Great job on this one! Easy to follow along, and a feeling of dread coming right from the start. Tone never changed. You knew something bad was coming, just not what. The reveal was good, and there was plenty of tension. Loved the Mercedes line, and the bitch dog line.
logline - is quite persuasive, and oozes tension, the question is whether the script can pull it off.
Actually, i never thought of dice in my limited consideration, not a bad choice
continues to chew he sizes up the question. - missing something in there i think Caitlin Jenner was first place. - funny
just as an aside - I'm not sure what type of place we are in - is this a care home? in the UK a residential home is for the elderly and such like, but this probably just means a house in this script.
Okay, really, it's been fun - yeah, been a blast with old chucky
I wouldn't have never done -- ???
bad chucky, bad
finished
i quite like the setting against monopoly and how it linked with he gave. Perhaps a few too many moves etc but not bad.
this is a sound entry, tidy work. perhaps nothing too radical, but considering the challenge, nicely played
suggestions - felt a little lost about where we were - i.e. location - and the relationship with the other couple, we assume they are meant to be friends, could be fleshed out. perhaps to add conflict they could fight back with stories about him, or secretly call the police etc
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
The play on words in the title went right by me until after I finished.
Hotels are red, at least they used to be.
I enjoyed this. Brisk writing, good dialogue. Your sense of timing is on the money; eg., you let us know what's going on at just the right point in the story.
Monopoly was well-integrated. The script is kind of a model for what this OWC is supposed to be.
Okay – a nice entry. One that I feel needs cleaning, but has a great bone structure to work with.
The major pluses – a very good feel for dialogue/banter here. And well-done parallels between the subtext of the character conflict, and the game: including Life Insurance, Hotels and Go to Jail. And a few stand out lines: It IS a bitch. The reference to Sorry, and getting it “off her chest.” - also good.
Though I have to add – someone SHOULD have asked if it was a mistake - should they have been playing “Clue.”?
A few story items that do need a tweak. IMO: the main line of the story meanders a bit, and could be tightened up. My rec: streamline description of the board moves – it’s not that needed; everyone knows how Monopoly looks. And the killing scenes – while I’m terribly dark myself in much of my writing, I don’t see it necessary to describe the blood spatter so graphically. Those visuals can still be rich, but chiseled.
And my one big issue: surely, there’s *no way* a cop on meds would be allowed to keep his revolver; and his wife surely wouldn’t agree to let him have it on game night. Have him smuggle it in, instead.
Other than that, a few minor typos to note:
p. 1 - extra space before square jaw p. 1 – Continues to chew AS he sizes up the question p. 3 – Demitri’s (COMMA) then against p. 7 Stephanie’S question
But definitely – this is one submission that could ultimately be polished up and allowed to shine!
I can't think of any problems with this script. I thought that the story went very well, and there were some great lines of dialogue. I loved Stephanie's remark about how she got second place.
I thought this was really solid and the writer has clearly put a lot of thought into it. The parallels between the Monopoly game and the source of conflict was handled really well.
There were a few typos throughout, so a bit more time to proofread this would've helped.
I could see where this was going very early on, but it was still an enjoyable read.