Liked the concept, the vibe, dialogue was good, but I'm still sending you to IS, ARE, ING prison. Overall, a solid effort. Did have a problem with the phyical implausibility of a small child slipping a noose over the head and around the neck of a larger (?) baby sitter. A few tweaks and you got a winner. Kudos.

Some notes.
The start seems overlong.  If the parents were using the app, wouldn’t they already know how it works?  

The first game is fine with me.  I didn’t know there were so many myths.  I would like it better if you showed the babysitter cheating in the beginning, perhaps starting the app clock before the parents actually left, getting a little edge.  Then, her cheating against the kids makes sense.

Having mom call back to warn the babysitter seems too planted.  Perhaps at the beginning, perhaps if the sitter is new because grandma died while sitting the kids.  We get a hint as to what is to come.  

I’m not sure about the ending.  That a couple of smallish children and overpower a teenage girl seems too much, but that’s me.  I do like hangman, though.  I simply wish there was a more clever way to execute it.

Best
Richard

I thought this was pretty good. They playing of the game was fine and all the characters were good and the writing fine. In fact, everything was fine until the very end. I couldn't really see the shy eight year old Hannah slipping a noose over Amy's head. Maybe find some other way for the kids to finish Amy off that's not so physically a stretch of the imagination.

Your Turn

I'm a bit sensitive with having young actors playing in hard plots. But that for sure is a personal thing.

The last twist reminded me of the movie Identity. It has its strengths and you definetly tried but to me the story isn't set up that well yet.

C-

Like the logline ...great way to start.

Good writing here and pretty good dialogue as well.

Like the end and how they get her for cheating but I think you could have picked a better game and let the babysitter be a little more nasty and show her cheating ....

Love the irony in that parents worrying about leaving their kids with the uber sitter when in the end ...the uber sitter is the one in danger. Nice move.

Great job.

Well, I kind of like the concept, but I think very much need to give a *ton* of tweaks to the kids to justify that ending.  Really, while it's potentially a really nasty twist - I don't feel you've set up at all that those kids are capable of something as amazingly horrible as that.  For instance, make the parents extra worried, mention that they've been a "handful" to the point that social services got called in, etc, etc.  Otherwise - it just comes completely out of the blue.  That said - here are one or two minor notes... not much at all!
Your Turn

P 1: IS wrapped (passive) for a winter’s NIGHT (typo)
P 5: Cute jump scare with the expected serial killer call!

Cheers!  --J (W)

Wow, sweet ending! This was pretty good. Had no idea where it was heading but it didn't get bogged down and flowed quite nicely.  One of my faves.

This was good. Kept me intrigued through to the end, although the ending was a bit difficult to swallow for a 10 and 8 yo overpower a 16 yo... Perhaps a 12 and 10 yo would be more plausible.

Not sure how you film " worried about her Uber Sitter rating"... seems to be a similar line to the one's I have been actively discouraged to use... But I am new to all this so stand to be corrected.

But ultimately this is a good little story which has potential outside the OWC

Voice Recording (these names are strange),

Pretty good. Wasn't really sure where this was going but was quite satisfied with the ending. I like that that the only words Hannah speaks are the ones at the end. Well written and enjoyable.

Good job.

Glenn.

Never heard of a "nigth" before. Is that a nice, warm Snuggie?   Typo on the first page and opening line. Not a good sign.

Never heard of an app called Uber. Then again, I've barely heard of apps, period. Also, the line ends on an orphan.

I like how you took only one page to set the story up.

Quoted Text A commotion comes from next door, boisterous shouting and furniture scraping.

Next door? Is this in the same house?

Quoted Text BRAD, 10, bustles into the room, quickly followed by HANNAH, 8, who lines up behind her brother, hiding.

So, it was Brad and Hannah making all that noise "next door?" I'm confused.

Quoted Text BRAD Can we play a game?

Page 2. Good.

Quoted Text Amy looks up, live-pauses the TV show.

Should be a hyphen.

There's no "s" at the end of Battleship. And it's Hungry, Hungry Hippos.

Quoted Text AMY Why, thank you Hannah.

A little too polite.  There should be some subtext -- perhaps sarcasm ("Thank for... for your consideration."), mock-politeness (see: sarcasm), or wicked glee ("I'll pick a game these little brats hate, then I'll laugh with glee.")

Page 3. We finally pick a board game. Urban Legends. According to Google, it's a real board game.  Sounds promising.

Quoted Text BRAD It's dead boring.

Foreshadowing?

Quoted Text AMY Remember, True or Myth... Did Hitler really only have one --

Ha ha! Great line. *Whistling "Colonel Bogey March"*

Quoted Text BRAD True, Mum, said so.

British writer. Maybe this one's Dustin?

Why is "answers" bold? Better yet, why is anything bold?

Quoted Text AMY Not all of them are as nice as me, But, no, Myth.

Sarcasm? Foreshadowing?

Quoted Text BRAD Did a babysitter really get killed by a maniac who called her on the phone to tell her he'd killed the kids?

Classic urban myth. Foreshadowing?

Quoted Text Amy's phone rings. She jumps, goes drip white and carefully extracts it from her pocket.

Foreshadowing, or just a jump scare?

Quoted Text NATALIE (O.S.) Only me, everything okay?

Phone voices are V.O. And it helps to use (on phone) the first time s/he speaks.

Quoted Text NATALIE (O.S.) Great, they do love their games, careful though they're really, really, sore losers.

Foreshadowing?

Quoted Text Amy looks at Hannah, shy and quiet.

Child + Shy and quiet + Scary movie = Looks can be deceiving.

Quoted Text NATALIE (O.S.) Great, we'll see you in a couple of hours then.

No, you won't, Natalie.

Quoted Text BRAD Six again?

That makes 666. Uh-oh.  

Quoted Text BRAD (sulking) Did a 16 year old babysitter become the world youngest serial killer when she murdered five people?

I can definitely sense some foreshadowing.

Quoted Text She feigns a yawn and looks [a]round, diversionary tactic to get a good look at the card.

"Suspiciously another six."  

Quoted Text Amy gets up and heads for the kitchen. AMY Up to you two. She leaves the room.

This can't be good.  

Quoted Text Brad has moved a chair into the middle of the room.

This really can't be good.

Quoted Text AMY What [are] we playing?

*spoiler*

Quoted Text Hannah comes from behind her and slips a noose over her head. Hannah whisper in her ear. HANNAH Hangman, you cheating bitch. She pulls the rope tight.

Ooh.   I know an eight-year-old would know the word "bitch," but I wouldn't expect her to say it. Then again, the babysitter won't be alive to tattle on her, so it's worth the risk, I guess.  

Loved it! This would be simple to film, low budget. You get right into it, which is great. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time.

9/10

Thanks to everyone for the reads on this, glad it was generally well received.

I'll definitely be revising and re-submitting out of the OWC...

To address a couple of specifics...

I do know how to spell NIGHT, honest. I blame writing in a rush for that and eny other typos or passive writing

I chose this particular game because I thought it'd be useful for foreshadowing and as a nod to the previous OWC.

Hitler and his mono-testicle issue, it was WW2 propoganda popularised by the Brits, though some recent research seems to suggest that it might be true!

I don't think there is such an app as Uber-sitter, but it could work in a very similar way to Uber... I may take it to Dragon's Den

Kids ages and getting the noose on her... Will have a look at those but the script finishes with the noose round her neck, it doesn't end with her swing from the rafters and choking to death... She could quite conceivably escape... It's all you sick puppies who've got her dead

Answers is bolded to show emphasis as Amy is explaining that it's not the questions that are wrong, could have done it with italics or left it, but I wanted to be clear that Amy is being overly pointed with the kids.

Again, thanks for the reads and comments, will address in the re-write.

Anthony

Hey Anthony,

This story was really fun.  I enjoyed it a lot.  I find it odd that people focus on stuff like typos and structure issues when most of the time, it's just a funky thing that happened.  

I look more at the story.  And this story was fun.  Not sure how you can cheat on throwing a die, (I've tried, it's really hard), but, she did...

It was a worthy entry from you.  Let me know if you need any help.  I'd be glad to be of assistance.  

Dan

Nice work, mate. This one could easily get picked up.

Thanks Dan and Dustin... gonna tidy this up some and put it on Inktip etc...

Dustin - liked the dark place yours went to, shoulda guessed it was yours

Dan - very inventive but I think there's almost two scripts in here, I'd strip one out and do a re-write n polish. happy to read again if/when you do.

Cheers

Anthony