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The best one I've read so far. A real story that had game playing in it, but where it didn't feel forced. I have absolutely nothing to offer as far as story or writing goes. GREAT job!!!
Poignant story about an old man who turns his bitterness into a productive end of life. Very English. Nice how it took a game to finally bring together this cranky geezer and his social outcast granddaughter. Moved slow at times, and I do wish a bit more time was spent on his schooling her in the art of the game, but overall a good owc entry.
Very well done. One of my favorites thusfar. Perfectly executed. Doesn't go for cheap sentiment. Just tells the story in a way that makes the characters live. Familiar ground, but the game element keeps it fresh. Thumbs up.
Ooooo - so far, my favorite! (Granted, I think I've read four?) But this one...
...a very solid, professional written drama. I'm not *100%* sure that "keep losing" is the last line. Other otherwise, absolutely no complaints. Great stuff! (FWIW: I'd throw in a *bit* more subtle flirting with Betty to foreshadow that particular twist...)
Great script! I really enjoyed this. Good character arc for Sidney. The pacing was good, and nice wisdom imparted throughout from Sidney and Betty. I liked all of these characters. Not much else to say really. This is one of my favorites by a good margin.
A heartwarming tale, written well. Very engaging from start to finish. As I am an Australian, the writing and dialogue felt spot on and was very easy to read. Either a UK or Antipodean author for sure.
This is certainly going on my this of top scripts so far in this OWC, it was a fantastic read, written well and the dialogue was excellent. I'll have to agree with Wonkavite though about the need of having a bit more flirting with Betty, but other than that I really have no issues with this, great work.
If I were you I'd specify a PRELAP with Sidney's first V.O. prior to his introduction. Was a little discombobulating, for me at least. Nitpicking - but grandpas usually say 'young lady' don't they? Of course some wouldn't and it's just a suggestion to go with the characterisation. Some nice humour with the old guy - liked him swearing and his candour - the young having something to teach the old and vice versa was deftly done. And the 'winning and losing' theme is always a good one, and topical too. Nice work.
P.S. Perhaps VIEWING ROOM or PREPARATION ROOM at the Funeral Parlour, instead of 'COFFIN ROOM' or maybe that's what it's called from where you hail?? I'm with cbead about writer origins but I'd say UK writer here. Not too many of us Aussies about and I'd say the general turn of phrase in dialogue etc. is geared that way.
Let's not forget though OWCs are typical for the writers throwing us off course and pretending they're something/someone they're not.
P.S. Ooh, hang on, I just realised Tim (Trojan) another Aussie has made a reappearance. I seem to remember a strong entry from him in an OWC going back a few years - A school reunion script which was really good. Just saying... I have no idea if this is his. Just mere speculation.
I don't understand what happened at the end. Time always wins, so keep losing. Winning isn't everything?
The set up is there for the protag to get her revenge on the bully but this doesn't happen. What does happen there? Why intro the bad guy if the bad guy is only there for a fleeting second. She could have simply told grandpa about the bullying without specifying a particular character. With the bully character actually being a visual aspect of this script, I'm left wanting to know what happened.
Aside from that, this is very well written. You can feel the old man's wisdom, so much so that this feels more about the grandpa than it does the girl. Probably written by one of the older members.
Excellent job. A real flair for this type of drama and beautifully written.
Let's get this out of the way: "To assemble the game she has to move a few belongings off the table."
*Spoilers*
So I'm mixed on this - not in terms of quality - but on who the protagonist is. Structurally, it's Rose. Thematically, it's Sidney. In the end, Rose is changed - her face clears up, she's got cool threads, probably a hot catch now. But did she earn it?
On the flip side, Sidney earned everything - his death and his present.
I loved the characterization! Rose gets bullied by girls who play sports and stuff, oh wait... just like you grandpa! Wow, that's a great display on perspective. This short excelled in the subtext dept.
Good short, one I feel needs some reshuffling of the deck.
Overall, it's a good story with a nice sentimentality to it. Could pretty much spot the ending coming, but that's okay, as it was still executed nicely. Probably could be shortened a couple of pages, and I wasn't exactly a fan of the dialogue, as it seemed forced in some places, but other than that, a good effort here.
My ratings (out of 5): Concept: 4.5 Story: 4 Character: 4 Dialogue: 3.5 Writing: 4 Overall: 4.0
Good luck! Gary
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned