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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2016 OWC  ›  Truth or Dare - OWC - Filmed! Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Truth or Dare - OWC - Filmed!  (currently 3790 views)
Don
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Truth or Dare by P. H. Cook - Short, Thriller - A troubled couple, agree to babysit a boy with issues of his own. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work




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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  April 7th, 2017, 3:53pm
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StevenClark
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 8:19pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Good storytelling! Good writing. You kept it going well with the tension and this creepy little kid. Though how or why he has these powers is beyond me. Doesn't matter, I guess. It was fun watching Brynn and Mike squirm. Liked the ending, but it could've been better.

Overall, good job.

Steve


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Hunter
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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Very interesting! Jayden was a really interesting character, well-written. Also, I loved the ending and how it ended with "dare". The one thing that I am wondering is, would Mike do that so quickly? I feel like Jayden would have to reveal a couple of more things first.


I would love feedback on any of these!
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LC
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 11:34pm Report to Moderator
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I don't get how the kid knows everything he does - except I suppose most everyone documents their lives these days online etc., - perhaps he looked at their diaries, cell phones etc. Would she have that kind of appointment listed in her phone? Hmm, don't know- Anyway it's clear Jayden did his spying without you adding to the 'evidence' line with 'in your eyes'  'in the way you interact' - the latter is harder to buy imh and I'd use technology - Facebook/Linkedin etc. to give him the answers. Some people are oblivious to how much they actually post online and have no idea where to draw the line with submitting personal details and private info. Don't even get me started on NSA stuff...

Kind of fizzles out at the end. I think (perhaps you ran out of time?) you could have turned the heat up a bit more on this. I'd advise you add to this, use the entire 12 pages or more if you need it after the OWC, don't overdo it otherwise it'll lose its punch, but definitely give it a bit more.

Not bad though. I love domestic type stories like this with an 'evil' kid who speaks the truth and blows all the secrets. They're always worthy opponents.


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Trojan
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 5:31am Report to Moderator
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I thought this was pretty good. I took it at face value that the kid had some sort of sixth sense to know the things he did, so I had no issues with how he knew stuff.

The ending was a bit flat for me, kind of an anti-climax.

Good job overall and this would make a nice short film.
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cbead
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 7:13am Report to Moderator
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Great writing, crisp and punchy.

Like others I feel I wanted to know more about why Jayden knew what he knew. But the tension was great. Although the last word was a clever conclusion, the final lead up just fizzled a little for me.

Overall though, one of the best OWC's  I've read.  


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irish eyes
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
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An enjoyable read overall.

Creepy kid with abilities to screw up adult lives

Set up a lot tension, although the adults never actually admitted the truth.

Great job writer


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
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A few comments...

Liked this, thought it built well and had solid characters... the 'crimes' were a little predictable but worked within the context of the story,

Jayden isn't really explained, but it's a short so I'll let that pass, he was effective as a dark catalyst.

Good job


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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pale yellow
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
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Love the title and the logline.

Love the way you handled the character interactions....exactly the way a kid-less pair of adults may act when given a child to watch....definitely a veteran writer here at work.

Dialogue works very well for me. Loved the creepy kid exposing the adults.

Love the play on words/title with the end ...excellent.

Not much to complain about except I'm surprised this hasn't gotten more reads!!!!

My favorite so far!! Great job writer!


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DanC
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 10:24pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty good.  

I thought it moved fast, but, how does he know all that?  

And I thought the wife was nice b/c the hubby's acting like a dick and it's her that sticks up for the boy.

I can see why no one wants to take him...

I don't care for the "all knowing one" stuff with no explanation.  

That's me.

The game was vital...

8/10


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Thanks
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stevie
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 12:02am Report to Moderator
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I have time to read a couple of scripts so picked this one.

Loved the opening few pages, very smooth writing. It was kind of obvious that Jayden was gonna be some type of 'evil' little shit lol. But it was well written and carried the reader along very nicely.

Like Libby, I'm wondering how he got all this info. Perhaps if somehow it was presaged that Jayden had some kind of mental powers? I thought at first that the electrical storm was gonna make the game come alive or whatever or activate his evilness.

Anyway, a really good job and I picked a cool one to read first.

PS- Monopoly should be spelt with a capital M


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Gum
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 12:42am Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

The thing that carried me through this was the dialog. The nuances of their actions were scripted so spot on with the scenario, that I had this strange feeling of watching the story unfold in my own kitchen...

Jayden, with his dark moody eyes and expressionless face is probably the Devil incarnate, lol. Sent to this estranged couples home to put them through the gauntlet of their blessed wedding vows of 'for better or worse'.

Little bugger stirred the pot but left himself wide open and defenseless. He should have just picked on the most gullible and let the good times roll, so to speak. Jayden and the accuser gang up on the guilty one full force, as evil little imps do but, hiding deeper in the shadow of the candle-light to watch his twisted plan unfold...

Unfortunately, Jayden f*cked up. Now he's stuck in a dark room with two very pissed off, betrayed people to contend with. Bet he didn't see that coming.

Never really played much Truth or Dare in my days, especially after the... modeling glue incident.

Fun script. I quite liked it.
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eldave1
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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Well written, conformed to the rules, dialogue quite good. All that being said it had a fatal flaw for me - I could not see two 35 year olds agreeing to play truth or dare with a kid that they were babysitting. Sorry - couldn't get over this premise.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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Angry Bear
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
I could not see two 35 year olds agreeing to play truth or dare with a kid that they were babysitting. Sorry - couldn't get over this premise.


I had no problem with that at all. I assumed that Brynn and Mike agreed to play it because they thought it would be innocent and kid like in tone.

I thought this one was fine. I would've liked to see a better ending. Not sure what, but it felt like you ran out of time or steam or both.


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RichardR
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

The setup works for me.  The troubled Jayden and the picture perfect couple.  I suppose the loss of electricity adds to the ambience, but itís not strictly necessary.

Iím a little put off by Jaydenís knowledge.  I donít see how he could know such things, and his explanation doesnít hold water.  I would rather he be making it all up, playing to the fears of the couple.  

The ending leaves too much in the air.  We can surmise that Jayden will get his comeupence, but we donít see it.  And if the couple could come up with a clever response, a dare that puts Jayden exactly where they want himÖ

Overall, a fair tale, fairly told.

Best
Richard
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