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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2016 OWC  ›  You're It - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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Don
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 11:01pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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You're It by Libby - Short, Horror - Two young boys get into a world of trouble when they attempt to master the game of Hide And Seek.  - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 12th, 2016, 7:43pm
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 12:20am Report to Moderator
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It's only a OWC, and I really shouldn't nitpick on the title page, but the title is a wee bit high and it just looks wierd due to the lack of an alias "the word "by" remains)

so lets move along.

While Hide and Seek isn't a board or card game, it's still a game I 'spose. I was wondering early on why you wanted to descibe the "lake life" shall we say, but by the end of the script I get it. It does serve as a nice contrast, something light and innocoent now is dark and sinister.  I found that the old writing device, where we follow one character from one room to another,gets a bit overused and actually becomes a distraction, especially in some cases such as::


Quoted Text
Her voice builds in intensity, gets more shrill. In the
KITCHEN
Mom's even more of a mess than before.


That's one of the reasons this sort of writer's trick is done sparingly. Overdo it, and it runs the risk of being incorrect. We aren't following anyone into the kitchen.
If you dropped "in the" It would be fine as a subheader.

Mom should have an actual name I think, but there was a part of me which didn't quite jive with Mom going after the boys, supposedly after catching dear dad's cheating and (as implied) murder. Mom has snapped, alright. But I found it going into a sad trope of children in jeopardy.

Yet that aside, I found this to be one of the stronger entries. Nice work overall.




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LC
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 12:42am Report to Moderator
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Darren you're another one to comment on the 'board game' requirement.


Quoted from Mr. Blonde
You can absolutely do a story involving them playing some sort of game. Just make sure that they're playing a game that really exists (and you don't have to get hung up on the family part. That was just a lead-in to the contest, not a requirement of it).


It doesn't have to involve a board game as such, or involve a family.


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Ryan1
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 1:02am Report to Moderator
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The opening passages set the scene effectively.  The tension is ramped up as we go from summer fun at the lake house to psycho Mom on the loose.  The unhinged dialogue from the mother is well done, as are the scenes of big brother schooling his younger brother.  At times Jeremy talked a little too mature for a 12 year old though.  Felt like the writer just ran out of room at the end there.  Shame, cuz I was hoping for a better resolution.  I think the opening pages could be trimmed to make room for a great final scene.  Strong effort.
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cbead
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 2:48am Report to Moderator
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"JEREMY
Kid, you should always add another
stratagem to your repertoire. Keeps the enemy off-guard"

Wow, that's a well schooled 12 yo.  Didn't seem to fit in to the rest of his vocabulary though.

This one gripped me all the way through. Nicely paced culminating in mother's psychotic game at the end. Good job.

And I do like a story that involves  a severed head!




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DanC
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 3:04am Report to Moderator
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I loved this story.

One of the best that I read.  Have no real issues at all.  It was engaging all the way through and the characters were believable...

SPOILERS

The ONLY thing I wonder is why would mom have fake conversations with her husband??  And why the photo?

Otherwise, strong effort 8.5/10


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StevenClark
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 7:13am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

You had such a good build up, tension mounting, and foreshadowing. Good job on that. The writing was good too, but I think you lost it in the end. I get it, sort of coming full circle with the blindfold and all, but I think it needs more of a complete ending for it to be effective. But...

Very good work. Very visual, always with a sense of something coming around the corner.

Steve


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eldave1
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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A strong effort here, IMO.

The descriptive passages were extremely visual - I could see everything.

The pace of this builds quite nicely.

The dialogue between the boys is spot on.

Did not love the Mom's dialogue - for my taste it was a little too sarcastic for someone who is in the middle of a break down.

Overall - one of my favs so far.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
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A few typos here and there, no biggie...

Strategem to your repertoire for a 12 year old, hmm okay at a stretch.

The scenes with the boys are all great and loved the banter around hiding places and the like, really good job.

But, I found Mom less convincing and her scenes a little at odds with the boys.

Decent effort though


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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irish eyes
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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This had a nice set up with a cliff hanger ending.

The writing was solid and easy read throughout.
I thought Colin was gonna end up the last one alive... but maybe next time.

Good job writer


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Angry Bear
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the boys in this one. Didn't care so much about the mom. Her psychoness was a bit over the top for me. Didn't sound like a real unhinged person to me, but what do I know. I'm no psychiatrist.

Not sure what lino is. Linoleum? That seems weird since you described the house as impressive. Linoleum is sort of low end, IMHO. Also, the dad was a traveling salesman. I guess he was amazingly good one to afford the impressive house. Those are nit-piks though.

All in all, I liked it, but the mother needs a change to be believable.  


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Trojan
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 3:14am Report to Moderator
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Clearly a lot of time was spent on this one. The writing is strong and the story itself is decent enough, although perhaps a bit forced at the end in regards to the mom.

I felt it lagging around the middle, and I'd put that down to needless description in places as well as scenes that don't move the story forward. I think it would be pretty easy to slash two pages from this script without losing anything vital.

Overall a good effort.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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you're it

logline - not bad, quite simple

this was a decent effort, but like most could do with some work.

The connection between the hide and seek and the final part, whilst connected to a degree, did feel like two separate elements.

The interaction with the boys was good. The Mom less so, for me. She did convey a sinister aspect and i was concerned for the boys, so well done on that, its just that the sad drunk and the psycho killer just seem to be a tad apart.

colin in the tyre seem unresolved, in fact i think this story needed to be concluded.

but for a OWC script this was good work.


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Gum
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 2:19pm Report to Moderator
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Great story and, a fantastic use of imagery to weave a tale worthy of prime time IMO! There are so many elements of classic storytelling on display here that Iíd need a full thread just to tap the surface, lol. Iíll keep it short Ö

That is, the use of imagery that stood out best for me, whether you intended it to be there or not.

To begin with, the shoe-box full of bones (pictures) that Mom canít seem to close the closet door on, is a great parable to state the walls in this house are about to explode with disgust. This home, looking from the outside in is a beautiful world but, is actually a dangerous place to tread without having to pull broken glass out of your feetÖ the smallest shards have apparently worked their way into Momís head.

Jeremy, the personification of his Father and, as the future care provider of his little brother, his protector in their dysfunctional realm, realizes his future self all too quickly by stumbling into his fatherís tomb. He crawls out reborn with the truth of a very dark secret and, outside of all the wisdom he believes he has parted to Colin in order to protect him from some unseen force, has realized that the ďshit just got real.Ē

You left the ending open for alternative interpretations; thatís clever too.  It lets people work out a scenario in their head that better suits their frame of mind. Wicked and creative, I dig this big time.

Revision History (1 edits)
Gum  -  January 25th, 2016, 2:28pm
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RichardR
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

Too long and too straightforward for me.  We get the idea that Jeremy is good at this.  We donít need six different scenes.  The only one that counts is the one in the closet and the photos.

And momís confession is too much and too long.  Doesnít matter.  Jeremy knows the score as does the audience.  She doesnít have to explain.  

I think that if you cut much of the first half, you can take this one to its logical conclusion, a confrontation between Jeremy and mom.  Not showing us that cheats the audience.  And of course, it should be Colin who makes the difference.  Hard to do in 13 pages, but itís probably worth the effort.

Best
Richard
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