Great job on your first feature, Geezis.

For a first attempt it's impressive indeed. The story was very clear, and the dialogue was good.

I've read the previous excellent reviews, so I'm not going to repeat what they said.

One thing I'll point out, which isn't criticism and shouldn't be taken as such...it's more like a Roadmap from good to great.

This is your opening:

Whitechapel. A run down, working class area. The streets are
cobbled in places, trodden dirt in others. Alleyways are
claustrophobic and dark.


Compared to the 1995 draft of the Jack the Ripper film, From Hell.

A STREET VENDOR
fires up a brazier, starting to roast chestnuts and squirrels over the flames. Unseen
by him, two urchins crouch under the barrow, trying to capture some of the
warmth. It's dusk, a blood red sky turns to purple as night falls.

Silhouetted against it is a grim and awful church. The massive portico and tower are
deliberately out of proportion, designed to instill a sense of fear in those who enter.
Its name is Christchurch and it stands in the heart of Whitechapel.

This is the armpit of London, grim Victorian tenements, dark alleys and lanes, a
filthy pub on every corner. The streets are crowded with the poor and desperate.
Scores of prostitutes, ranging in age from the early teens to the late 40's, work the
sidewalks and alleys, looking for trade.


I think with something like Jack the Ripper, you really want to sell the atmosphere of Whitechapel and established the mood right up front like they did. In the Pro example I posted, you really feel a sense of being there from the get go, something I felt was slightly lacking in yours.


I know you only had 7 weeks, and I was well off finishing even a draft in that time, so it's not a fair comparison. It's more of a suggestion for the next draft, to really take us into that time period and those streets.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Great job on your first feature, Geezis. For a first attempt it's impressive indeed. The story was very clear, and the dialogue was good. I've read the previous excellent reviews, so I'm not going to repeat what they said. One thing I'll point out, which isn't criticism and shouldn't be taken as such...it's more like a Roadmap from good to great. This is your opening: Whitechapel. A run down, working class area. The streets are cobbled in places, trodden dirt in others. Alleyways are claustrophobic and dark. Compared to the 1995 draft of the Jack the Ripper film, From Hell. A STREET VENDOR fires up a brazier, starting to roast chestnuts and squirrels over the flames. Unseen by him, two urchins crouch under the barrow, trying to capture some of the warmth. It's dusk, a blood red sky turns to purple as night falls. Silhouetted against it is a grim and awful church. The massive portico and tower are deliberately out of proportion, designed to instill a sense of fear in those who enter. Its name is Christchurch and it stands in the heart of Whitechapel. This is the armpit of London, grim Victorian tenements, dark alleys and lanes, a filthy pub on every corner. The streets are crowded with the poor and desperate. Scores of prostitutes, ranging in age from the early teens to the late 40's, work the sidewalks and alleys, looking for trade. I think with something like Jack the Ripper, you really want to sell the atmosphere of Whitechapel and established the mood right up front like they did. In the Pro example I posted, you really feel a sense of being there from the get go, something I felt was slightly lacking in yours. I know you only had 7 weeks, and I was well off finishing even a draft in that time, so it's not a fair comparison. It's more of a suggestion for the next draft, to really take us into that time period and those streets.

Thank you very much for feedback.

The From Hell example is fantastic as it shows me what I should be trying to achieve compared to what I have done. I take all feedback, criticism and suggestions as learning opportunities so I'm happy for all I get.

Cheers.

Hey Geezis,

That was great, man. Really good for a first feature. The dialogue felt mostly spot on for the time period. It was very self-assured writing with some solid repartee.

I like how you put pressure and strain on these relationships. The detective with his dying wife. George struggling to help Libby as she's spiraling. That's one area I'd consider taking further. Deepening the conflict between them. Maybe Libby pushes him further and further away despite his best efforts... could even be an attachment grows between her and Abberline as they've both been through hell.

You've got the bones of a good story here. The investigation, this damaged woman facing her demons, it all works for me.

For next draft, I'd suggest tightening/punching up the description writing a bit. And see if you can't be judicious in tightening up individual scenes. The saying goes... get into a scene as late as possible and leave as early as possible. Although, I think you do a pretty good job of this already.

Hope that helps. I'll try and take another pass at this with some more detailed notes when I have the time.

Again, great work!

Quoted from MarkItZero Hey Geezis, That was great, man. Really good for a first feature. The dialogue felt mostly spot on for the time period. It was very self-assured writing with some solid repartee. I like how you put pressure and strain on these relationships. The detective with his dying wife. George struggling to help Libby as she's spiraling. That's one area I'd consider taking further. Deepening the conflict between them. Maybe Libby pushes him further and further away despite his best efforts... could even be an attachment grows between her and Abberline as they've both been through hell. You've got the bones of a good story here. The investigation, this damaged woman facing her demons, it all works for me. For next draft, I'd suggest tightening/punching up the description writing a bit. And see if you can't be judicious in tightening up individual scenes. The saying goes... get into a scene as late as possible and leave as early as possible. Although, I think you do a pretty good job of this already. Hope that helps. I'll try and take another pass at this with some more detailed notes when I have the time. Again, great work!

Thanks Mark

The feedback I've had so far has been great and completely spot on, there is some work for me to do on it and hopefully improve.

Everyone has been very generous of their time and supportive throughout.

I'm looking forward to my next challenge.