I liked the ending. All the science-y stuff with trapping ghosts was cool. I'd try to find some way to smooth out the exposition a bit although easier said then done when there's this much stuff going on.

Decent effort.

Doesn't work for me. The dialog is way too on the nose. And why is Dave talking to himself before he gets on the radio. It's like he knows there's an audience. Some sloppy writing at the end as well. You state that Billy's voice comes from nearby and is crystal clear, but then in Billy's dialog you state that it's still filtered. Which is it?

Appreciate the effort to avoid visuals.

Writer,

Very good premise on capturing a ghost. I like that a whole lot. What I didn't like was how the story played out, or how Dave was talking to himself in the beginning. That didn't work at all. You could've found a better way to convey these things through conversation with Billy and not explained it like that. Either way, I'm not quite sure who Billy was or how he showed up at the end. Maybe he was the ghost just fucking with him. Again, great premise, so-so execution/story.

Steve

Strong concept. There seems like a lot of potential to broaden this out into something larger. Dialogue is effective.

I recommend putting Dave under a little more stress in this call. Weird stuff can be happening around him while he is in discussions. I suspect that Billy is a ghost. Look for ways to make this a little more chilling and impactful.

Thank you for an interesting read.

Hi writer,

This is basically a low-calorie version of ‘THIR13EN Ghosts’:

In the movie the ghost hunter made a residence entirely of glass sheets inscribed with Latin phrases, which are barrier spells. In there, twelve angry ghosts plus 1 very nasty one called ‘The Juggernaut’ are imprisoned in the house, held captive by the spells.

But, I like your version as well. You can drop a half a million volts across the human body when wearing a Faraday suit, a wearable mesh Faraday Cage, so keeping ghosts in check in a Faraday cage style house would be strange looking but fun to think about, I dig this for its creative angle.

Hmmm... holy exposition batman, you're underwater.

First, the good. Interesting idea. Solid hook. Dialog is fine, I think it's good for the tone. Yes, it’s layered in exposition, but here, in my opinion, it was necessary. Your bread & butter sort of speak. For what it's worth, I don't believe exposition is a crime. As long as it's interesting -- that's what matters. In my opinion, you ought to disguise it more...

Strangely enough, I liked this a lot better than I thought I would. Way to go. Best of Irish luck! -A