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Subconscience - OWC (currently 575 views) |
Don |
Posted: April 23rd, 2022, 7:34am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16438 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Subconscience by Mark Renshaw (markrenshaw) writing as Siggy Freud - Short, Family - After a teenager recovers from a bang to the head while out hunting for treasure with a metal detector, she discovers she can hear and influence her own subconscious... and the subconscious of other beings as well. - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Don - May 6th, 2022, 3:05pm | revised script | | |
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JEStaats |
Posted: April 23rd, 2022, 10:29am |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Very clever little story. You handled all the inner voices well and all the transitions were fairly seamless. I can't believe I guessed who the girl was before the reveal and groaned when I was right. It had to be her, though. The only way to make the story work.
Nice work, writer. Good luck! |
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Reply: 1 - 16 |
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steven8 |
Posted: April 23rd, 2022, 8:12pm |
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Old Timer The Ed Wood of Simply Scripts
LocationBarberton, OH Posts1156 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
I had to look up Greta after reading JE's comments. I knew in the back of my head that I should know who Greta is, and I do. I just haven't heard her name in awhile. It was a good story. Well told. |
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Reply: 2 - 16 |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: April 24th, 2022, 9:16am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
I'm not sure about the title. I was thinking The Awakening would work better but I think that's been used before and you don't want right-wingers complaining this is one of those 'woke' screenplays so I don't know.
As it is, I think the story works if you know who the girl is supposed to be but also if you don't. Meets the parameters but one question, what happened to the metal detector? It seemed to conveniently disappear once that particular parameter was met! |
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Reply: 3 - 16 |
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Gum |
Posted: April 24th, 2022, 2:24pm |
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Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.41 |
Curious little tale of woe. This has a serious ‘Dead Zone’ vibe going on, wherein a schoolteacher awakens from a coma to find he has psychic powers. The reference to ‘Greta’ went over my head, till I read the comments… ok, I see what you did there.
If, for some reason you rewrite this, please include the Colorado Low (in your disaster montage) that’s raging through the prairies right now bringing sub-zero temps and a shit ton of rain and snow, because I should be gardening this time of year… something just ain’t right.
Anyway, clever enough story for the theme at hand. Best of luck. |
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Reply: 4 - 16 |
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Arundel |
Posted: April 24th, 2022, 7:43pm |
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January Project Group
LocationLas Vegas, Nevada Posts265 Posts Per Day 0.14 |
Pretty cool, she can hear all the organs in her body talking. Even the flashback sequences didn't bother me that much because I usually have a strong aversion whenever I read (FLASHBACK) in a script. However, too many voices could lead to disastrous results. Didn't pick up on the Greta reveal like some of the others did so I'll have to do a little looking. |
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Reply: 5 - 16 |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: April 24th, 2022, 8:06pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
This is one of those tricky shorts that reads better on the page than it would play when filmed. If it's Greta... we'd see her through the entire short, thereby blunting any ending reveal.
That said, I did like the concept.
The beginning was very rushed. She's detecting. She falls. She hits her head. Almost like you were in a serious hurry to get past it.
I'm also not sure that any of the subconscious stuff adds to the short. What do the voices of all of her internal functions add to your theme? Consider slashing all of that and just picking it up with the crab.
Finally, I was really skeptical when you first introduced Earth as a voice. I thought "how the heck does the audience know it's the earth talking here?" But, as you rolled through the montage, then her tears drip into the sand... you turned me. I think it would work.
Interesting short. Thanks for sharing. |
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Reply: 6 - 16 |
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MichaelYu |
Posted: April 25th, 2022, 5:26am |
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Posts93 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
This script had a good message. I liked your mention of the Earth' s voice over about the danger. I've no complaints about this script except one thing. Will you consider rewriting the logline? It looks a bit complicated.
Well done.
Michael |
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Reply: 7 - 16 |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: April 25th, 2022, 10:55am |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
I'm also not sure that any of the subconscious stuff adds to the short. What do the voices of all of her internal functions add to your theme? Consider slashing all of that and just picking it up with the crab.
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Two things... one, by subconscious stuff, I mean the internal dialogue about her own body. Two, I woke up this morning thinking I'm probably wrong on this point. I think you're trying to say everything is connected. Everything. So, disregard my note. The problem seems to be the slow reader. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Reply: 8 - 16 |
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ColinS |
Posted: April 25th, 2022, 12:49pm |
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January Project Group Keep Believing!
LocationUK Posts242 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
Nice tidy writing. It was clever idea, but it got a little too nuts for me to really get drawn in. Was definitely creative though. Think others will appreciate it more so. And I hate Thunberg |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
ColinS - April 25th, 2022, 1:14pm | | |
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Reply: 9 - 16 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: April 26th, 2022, 6:35pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Then metal detector was really secondary here, but it allowed for the route into the story.
I think there's too much internal VO here as it becomes expositional, but I did like the end reveal.
Decent effort |
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Reply: 10 - 16 |
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LC |
Posted: April 27th, 2022, 4:10am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7630 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Metal Detector was the catalyst I suppose, but bump on the head (there sure are a lot of characters being bumped on the head in this challenge or having things drop on them) got the ball rolling.
I'm not sure the Ice-cream vendor subplot was necessary or the flashback to his father. I'm not convinced all the bodily functions added much either. I kinda think if you'd stuck with all the things in nature calling her to a higher cause it may have come off more focused for me.
I didn't understand the crab's fear, but I loved the crabs all the same. They added some nice comic relief.
I think outside of the challenge it could do with a few tweaks, but pretty clever all the same. |
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Reply: 11 - 16 |
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Rob |
Posted: April 27th, 2022, 8:16pm |
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Posts218 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
I really liked the way that this started. Very clever to have Greta communicating with her bodily functions. Nice line involving her picking her nose. All this is great.
It was slightly less satisfying when she started picking up the feelings of others, although this led to some sweet moments. It seems like her ability to perceive the past of others goes far beyond her original abilities.
I guess I would like to see how this script turned out if it were confined to Greta's own inner dialogue. But overall an intriguing idea. |
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Reply: 12 - 16 |
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khamanna |
Posted: April 28th, 2022, 9:57am |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Very much like Inside out only with external evil present (in the face of her father)
I'd say it contained exposition for me. The flashback broke the flow for me. Her "you're not your father" line feels on the nose.
Good idea though. And congrats for making the challenge, something I couldn't do. |
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Reply: 13 - 16 |
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PraneelNand |
Posted: April 29th, 2022, 7:11pm |
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January Project Group All you need to make a movie is a girl and a gun
LocationTokyo, Japan Posts54 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
That was a cool little story, like an origin story for Ms. Thunberg. The writing was good and the twist at the end was a great reveal. Although I always found it strange why we as people are shouting, "save the Earth". It should be more like, "save ourselves". The earth has gone through periods of losing more than 90% of it's inhabitants and fully recovring after a few million years. But I guess that's beside the point.
The only gripe I may have is when the earth starts speaking, the audience might have a problem following who is actually speaking. Other than that I found this to be quite creative and really enjoyed it.
Best of luck, writer. |
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Reply: 14 - 16 |
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