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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2022 OWC  ›  Come and Find Me - OWC
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  Author    Come and Find Me - OWC  (currently 425 views)
Don
Posted: April 23rd, 2022, 7:36am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Come and Find Me by Sharon Needles - Short, Drama - While out metal detecting, a man picks up a different kind of signal that leads him through a game of hide and seek. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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JEStaats
Posted: April 23rd, 2022, 1:37pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Sad little tale. The jump cuts and flashbacks are a bit disorienting and I'm not sure if they're really necessary. With a little cleanup, I think it would flow much better. All told, a tug on the old heart strings.

Nice work, writer. Good luck!
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steven8
Posted: April 23rd, 2022, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
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I thought I knew exactly where it was at, then there was a curve.  I liked the curve.  As JE says, a sad tale.  I got disoriented as well, but I'd give it a Twilight Zone-quality stamp.  Well done.


ED - All I wanna do is tell stories.  The things I find interesting...

DOLORES - Well maybe you're not studio kind of material.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: April 23rd, 2022, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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This was a well crafted story for a few pages. Clever use of the headphones and the metal detector picking up Lucy’s necklace. The ending had impact on me and I can’t articulate why, which is a good thing.

The flashback with the necklace worked but the others were less needed due to the short length of the script.

There’s room to expand the story. This could be a really interesting exploration of death from Pete’s perspective and I think it’s worth diving into his journey further.

Really easy script to produce, great job to the writer. The writing itself works and provides an eerie atmosphere, but some of the phrases such as “not in use” and “unfamiliar tune” throw it off a little.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 24th, 2022, 8:39am Report to Moderator
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Some nice writing on display here. I was able to whiz through the script without skimming and I picked up on everything, which is not easy to do.

The flashbacks need a little work. Sometimes you state it's a flashback while others you don't but it was still easy to follow.

I was expecting a different ending and, to be honest, you have options here to change or extend the ending as you've created a great hook. At the moment, it's all in his imagination as he dies is a bit like "It was all a dream" and I'm sure someone with your skill can do better than that.  

Still, this is great. Well done.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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PKCardinal
Posted: April 24th, 2022, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
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Ooh, good stuff.

I liked the short better when it was a supernatural tale instead of a dream/delusion. So, count this as one vote for cutting the ending and leaning into the supernatural side.

As it sits, it's well written and kept me leaning forward.

Nice job.


PaulKWrites.com

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The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
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Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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LC
Posted: April 24th, 2022, 9:21pm Report to Moderator
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So now Cheryl's not only lost her daughter but her husband too?
Noooooooo. Not fair.

Written sparsely and beautifully.
But I feel ripped off.

Stick with the supernatural ala Susie Salmon - The Lovely Bones.
You built the suspense really well but then for me it was an anticlimax.
We need a proper payoff. Either Pete finding a clue to her death and so he has purpose now to find the killer, (or it was an accidental death with her falling - not the current plot) or stick with the sentimentality and final acceptance she's gone.

Definitely develop this plot more.
Nice as is though. You made me feel it.


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ColinS
Posted: April 25th, 2022, 8:46am Report to Moderator
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Hmmmm, engaging read, thats for sure.

Gotta give you credit for writing a very visual story - and you did that well. On that note though, whilst I think your narrative would work really well on screen - which is great as it is a screenplay, it did get a little repetitive on paper - there was a lot of Pete just moving his detector around.

Was wondering whether Pete may have had something to do with Lucy's death - would have been a dark twist - but could make for a powerful reunion.

good luck.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
ColinS  -  April 25th, 2022, 12:53pm
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MikeCashman
Posted: April 25th, 2022, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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This script for me felt like a Twilight Zone episode.  Very haunting and sad ending.  My thoughts on this were that when Pete supposedly found his daughter Lucy in a cabin under the floor boards, did Pete have something to do with Lucy's death?  Seems interesting that he finds her under floor boards in the woods, unless she has been missing for so long and he discovers her body during his own death.  Meaning, Pete and Lucy are re-united through his death and this is the way he finds her.  

Pulls at the heartstrings and could bring a tear to someone's eye.  I had a feeling Pete was dead.  No doubt from the accident with the rather large tree falling on him.

Well written.  I liked this script a lot.
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PKCardinal
Posted: April 25th, 2022, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from PKCardinal
Ooh, good stuff.

I liked the short better when it was a supernatural tale instead of a dream/delusion. So, count this as one vote for cutting the ending and leaning into the supernatural side.

As it sits, it's well written and kept me leaning forward.

Nice job.


I think I had a real bad reading day yesterday. This is the second script I've had to revisit because I missed a major element. Pete is dead. It's right there in the script and I missed it.

My apologies. Though, I don't have to adjust my score, as I gave high marks anyway. Still...


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 25th, 2022, 7:45pm Report to Moderator
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Well written, but the ending felt wrong to me, no resolution and it means most of the story is a dying man's dream.

Inventive use of the headphones for the voice in the head, liked that.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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AtholForsyth
Posted: April 26th, 2022, 3:23am Report to Moderator
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This one has a really creepy vibe , I can imagine watching it looking through my fingers at bits.

I'll write more about this later as I'm struggling for time.

Great job
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PraneelNand
Posted: April 27th, 2022, 6:16pm Report to Moderator
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That was a sad tale, at least they can be together in death. I feel bad for Cheryl, now having lost her entire family. Wish there could've been some back story to Lucy's disappearance, you definitely  had the room to do it and flesh out her character a bit more.

I think you could've used the song the girl was humming to greater effect, like a song Pete used to sing to her or something to that effect, would help make a better connection and help flesh out their relationship for more added sorrow when the truth was reviled.

Overall this was a great story with a twist ending I didn't see coming, your writing was concise and every line (action and dialogue) was used to it's full potential, no wasted space for sure.

I really enjoyed this one, who's chopping onions. Great job.
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Rob
Posted: April 27th, 2022, 10:13pm Report to Moderator
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The writing at the end of this script is really strong. I was moved by the sad reunion of the father and daughter and the deaths at the end. I also think that it was clever to use the metal detector as a way to find a lost child. So many of the other scripts involved buried treasure.

Like others, I think that the flashbacks got in the way. We understand that there is a lost child. We have seen her photos, so we don't necessarily have to see her.

A solid script.
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khamanna
Posted: April 28th, 2022, 10:23am Report to Moderator
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Nice effort

I wanted more, maybe a little background on him, the daughter or the evil force. A bit more.
Nonetheless, this one is my top 2 and I have only a few left.

it's very visual and scary and kept me on my toes.
(still want more but might be just me - as an example some inside joke, or activity they shared with his daughter to make us really invest)
Good luck to you with it
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