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Who is Ayreon telling to get down? Guessing itís Olzon, but it should be clarified as such.
Despite the budget issues the action is handled pretty well, writing is sparse, visual, and to the point. Tough to pull off this type of fantasy/SF in a short, it often ends up feeling random, and disconnected from the bigger world youíre imagining but unable to show. The final intercom gives us an idea, a game of sorts. But itís unclear if itís real or imagined/computer generated etc. or for what purpose and without that context, tricky to connect to the characters plight.
My guess is youíre much more at home getting these ideas down in features.
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Strange sci-fi tale. Yeah, budget concerns for sure, but not if it's part of a larger feature. It's just too hard to get into a complex world of characters in a short. You took it right to the action which helped it. Writing was good, just couldn't quite get into it.
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Fair enough for what it was - by that I mean it was pretty standard out of the box warriors vs monsters. Action was handled very well- I could see it. However, I found the dialogue relatively uninspired.
I am not quite sure that this meets the spirit of the competition as the story does not really take place in an elevator or lift but rather in a forever rising tunnel that just happens to have doors to enter - maybe it's just me, but it's kind of like - two guys enter an elevator - they look below - it's the Grand Canyon.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
The action is well written here. It draws you in and feels cinematic. I also got a pretty good visual of the world you were creating.
I had some issues with Elsa. They never really got a firm number on how many Myygen there were and it seems like they wouldíve tried to figure it out first. It also makes me question what kind of sci-fi world this is where the robotic female A.I. gives more obtuse answers than Siri.
The two places this could be beefed up is the characters and the final twist. And they sort of feed into each other in my view. After the final reveal I found myself wondering how much these guys knew about their predicament. Did they know it was a game? What did they think was happening? Where did they think they had come from? Lots of unanswered questions, and answering them could give an opportunity to build up the characters and their history a bit.
Very cool. You should be designing video games IMO. There was a leviathan amount of action going on here that I found myself re-reading /tracing back more than a few times, trying to get a grasp on:
a) what was transpiring b) what kind of world we're in, and c) is this a snippet from a larger piece
That being said, the atmosphere you set, and your descriptors were spot on and detailed enough so anyone jumping in could get their bearings based on previous knowledge of the OWC theme. It would appear you have a very distinctive voice that resonates with a couple of writers on this board... maybe they'll show.
One other aspect that caught me out was ELSA, why is she not programmed with any form of deductive reasoning? Perhaps she's just an asset within the game that's available to the players, but limited in scope... like a weapon with a limited functionality?
Wicked creative if you whipped this up from scratch for this OWC, well done.
I liked the action at first, but after a while it bored me. I wanted more dialogue. But then again, I'm not really into thrillers, anyway. It was good for what it was. I thought the monsters lacked imagination - spider like things shooting webs are kind of cliched.
The opening blows whatever shoestring budget the producers had for this movie.
But it was set in an elevator at least. A big sci-fi action fest. You know how to write action but without context of characters, or the world they inhabit I felt myself drifting and then scanning the rest of the action. The setup reminded me way too much of Aliens, in particular Ripleyís encounter with the Queen in the Elevator as the self-destruction countdown blares out.
I liked the twist at the end, itís all a game, but again because I donít know the players involved or what the stakes are it doesnít resonate the way it should do.
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Upon rereading the logline, I see you sort of told us the deal here without giving it away. I didn't see it it coming.
The ending aside, the set-up is a staple in any number of genres -- western movies, war movies, thrillers. Plus the countdown to lockdown. Fortunately, the monsters are interesting enough to keep us watching.
The action is well-timed. The dialogue does not do much, but it's serviceable. Such lines as "Come on, we can do this" seem too contemporary.
The elevator parameter? Close enough.
Although the script is hardly a ground-breaker, it holds its own in this challenge.