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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  The Final Level - OWC
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  Author    The Final Level - OWC  (currently 3584 views)
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
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Yummers!  Hard core SF, written very competantly.  Granted, there's no way in H3LL that this could be done on a budget.  But it was an extremely enjoyable ride.  And if the FX WERE done properly, this would make an awesome short....
e-mail Reply: 15 - 29
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 5:21am Report to Moderator
Been Around

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Ending was cool, not sure whether I enjoyed how you got there though. There's a lot of banal action and new terms to be acquainted with. Too many maybe? Only you can decide. It's also hard to know what's going on as the action isn't exactly clear, or in better words, it's a very thick read. I seem to be the minority though. I'd probably go through the concept once and try to milk it out more, when you build up to a twist like this, the story should reflect by it from every decision. Shutter Island, Sixth Sense, even Fight Club.
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Posted: May 29th, 2015, 6:16am Report to Moderator
Been Around

You know what a saguaro is?
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Hmmm. I guess the title and logline fit the story but not real engaging. The Norse guys' language seemed out of place. Another set of players, say from the US Army, or the hood, might have been more appropriate.
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Posted: May 30th, 2015, 2:28am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Action speaks louder...

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I read this one twice and still don't like it. It's probably fine, but it reminds me of books I was reading as a kid so I'm instantly put off the subject matter... although I am a lover of sci fi, I'm not so big on fantasy nor mixtures of the two.

Doesn't work for me.

5 out of 10.

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Pale Yellow
Posted: June 1st, 2015, 7:51pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group

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This one reads fast. Almost tiring to read it but it's good action writing I think.

Found myself wanting to know more. Kind of big story for this many pages maybe.

LIked the Myygens. The names of everyone in this thing were a bit hard and slowed the read a bit overall.

Some of the dialogue felt like just backstory, it's hard to set up a world etc in a short and still have memorable characters. I didn't really care for the characters in this.

I liked most the action descriptions and visuals in this. Great job writer. I wish I could write like this.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 1st, 2015, 11:11pm Report to Moderator

The Swamp...
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Continuing to pick the scripts with the fewest reads.

I don't think this one fit the low to no budget criteria...

Anyway, this one reminded me of the Alien movies. Not badly written or anything, but I was totally confused at first. We've all heard to get in late and get out early. IMHO, this one gets in a little too late and as a result, we don't really know what's going on.. My suggestion would be to add just a tad in the beginning to better get us to understand where we are in time and place.

So, good job, just not one of my top picks.

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Posted: June 2nd, 2015, 3:54pm Report to Moderator

Southeastern United States
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Well, I liked the premise. It smacked of other SciFi I have read and watched, but it was different enough that I had to see it through. It was a quick read and has potential. It seemed as if this was chopped in the front to make it fit the parameters of being in/around an elevator/lift. In doing so, the set-up was cut as well. With a relatively little work, this could be a good one. Hopefully, you will revise and polish this one. On the downside, due to the heavy expense this one would incur, I doubt this would get made easily or soon. Best of luck.

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Posted: June 2nd, 2015, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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The Final Level

A CGI heavy script.

I think it's tremendous and I'm going to recommend it. You get in late, there's humor, action, mystery, irony, imagination, best setting so far... Very well done. Ending, title, there are just pros here for me. Awesome Sci Fi.

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Posted: June 2nd, 2015, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Over there.
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I read this early on, as I do like science fiction. So much so I went to see Jupiter Ascending. The movie I mean, I don't have a telescope.

Hmm. At least Eddie Redmayne had a good time. I wish I could say the same. Unfortunately I got the same feeling after I tried to read this again. I'll try to remain serious. Fairly.

Oolong sounds like somewhere in Australia. The type of place on a long dirt road, where there's a post office, a small shop, a petrol station and seven pubs.

When you try to go in one of the pubs, the doorman will stop you and ask if you have any weapons. If you say no they'll give you a broken bottle and tell you it's a bit rough in here tonight as they push you inside.

I doubt this is the image the writer was trying to sum up.

A lot of the dialogue isn't bad. But some of it wasn't great. Some of it sounded like something from a kids TV show. Which is unfortunate.

I watched Edge of Tomorrow yesterday, or was it last week? That has as equally preposterous plot to this. But they made a very good film out of it. Even Tom was very good.

This isn't particularly bad. But it failed to grab me. I'd have preferred if the creatures weren't like so many others we've seen before.  


Out Of Character - updated

New Used Car


Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Site Private Message Reply: 23 - 29
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 1:15am Report to Moderator
Been Around

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Anytime using an adverb, check to see if there's one word it can be replaced with. For example, instead of "looking intently", replace with "focused". Sometimes a verb is strong enough without the adverb like "instantly" sizzles. Sizzles works great, why modify it?

Sometimes details like "upwards facing arrow" makes the passage unclear.

The stakes aren't bad. They seem high enough to grab my interest. I enjoyed the time ticking down with the narrative. It was handled well.

So a little on the nose at the end, but I can dig it. The dialogue was cheesy at times. That could be a good thing with a gory action snippet. It was overwritten, a trim or edit in a few places will go a long way.
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Posted: June 7th, 2015, 4:05pm Report to Moderator

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a few notes

Quoted Text
Red Lights blink, dimly illuminating a cavernous room.
AYREON, 35, dressed in Norse leather armor, plasma gun in
hand, runs up to a closed lift door, out of breath, and
bleeding from several deep wounds in his back.
He turns, takes a firing position on one knee.

- dimly illuminating is awkward...avoid adverbs
  - perhaps: red lights blinking in a dim, cavernous room
- several deep wounds in his do we see they are "deep"?
- not sure what "Norse" leather armor is
- not sure how we can see this is a "plasma" gun
- red lights should be blinking...not blink. Unless they only blink once

perhaps this:

Blinking red lights, cavernous dim room.

AYREON, 35, in leather armor, plasma gun in hand, out of breath and bleeding from several wounds, runs to a closed lift door, turns and drops to a firing position.

- not sure what a squishy thwack is. Squishy implies wetness.

Quoted Text
OLZON, 40, also in Norse leather armor, plasma gun in hand,
arrives on the scene, panting and winded.
   lose the last comma

Quoted Text
You saved me...again, old friend.
Next time, let it be me that saves
lose the ellipse here, slows the rhythm

Quoted Text
Ayreon stands, looking intently towards where the shots were
where the shots were fired is an unfilmable since we didn't see where they were fired from

maybe: Aryeon stands and searches the facility, gun ready.

Quoted Text
where an upwards facing
arrow pulses bright white

The arrow is pulsing, unless it just pulses once. These rules things are harming you.

Quoted Text
Ayreon raises his left arm, speaks into his smartwatch.

Do we need to know it's left? No. Even though I assume you are making clear it's not his shooting hand...though that was never mentioned.

Just say Ayrean speaks into his smartwatch. More detail that is not needed so is in the way. We know where a watch is worn normally.

Hope this helps, I ran out of time to do more.

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JSimon  -  June 7th, 2015, 4:50pm
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Posted: June 7th, 2015, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Yes, that is my real hair...

Cave Creek, AZ
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Thanks to all who read and provided feedback.  All feedback is useful and appreciated, whether I agree with it or not.

A little on the planning and writing, for those that are interested.

I definitely needed to write a serious effort for this OWC and I got on it early, but nothing remotely entertaining came to mind.  I knew damn well that we'd have lots of entries that entailed elevator cliches, lots of dialogue, and stuff I wasn't intereted in.

I was hiking 1 day in Papago Park, which is a really cool area, where I can be alone and "think".  I started thinking about a lift and what I could do, that would be outside the box and contain more action than I imagined most would go for, and this was born.

I fleshed it out the following day, again, on a hike and I started to "see" it, and actually liked what I was seeing.  I knew immediately it wouldn't be low budget, but decided if I keep the entire script inside or next to a lift, and don't have my characters actually interact with the Myygen, in theory, it could be done for alot less than some may think...but again, I completely understand the comments about breaking the bank.

Basically, I envisioned video game scenerio, and I brought in shades of Skyrim, with a new beast, and finally, an alien race overseeing everything.

This is not meant to be a game at all, and I thought several lines of dialogue would make that clear that this is life or death survival, and children and "brothers" are involved.

I purpsoely did not include any backstory and or real character, because in my mind, this was all about the action, and the reveal at the end.

For those who wanted more and still want to know, it goes like this...

The Oolong are the all powerful alien race, who have taken "Nords" to study, and implemented a survival course for 50 at a time, in a controlled environment, in which they have a limited time to escape and survive.

They are given limited ammo and all share the same plasma gun.  The smartwatch with access to Elsa is, as at least 1 reviewer assumed, limited in what she will offer - basically yes/no responses, which will help for sure, but no real AI help to get them to safety.

There are multiple levels they must get through...again, much like a video game, and this is the final level and Ayeron and Olzon, both Scando names, based on some of my favorite music (anyone know who?) are the last 2 alive, as they arrive at the lift.

I wrote this in a single sitting and then gave it numerous reads and edits, and turned it in well before the deadline (for a change), as I had plans for the weekend and knew I needed to get it done and out of the way.

I considered beefing it up a bit, but decided to keep it fairly lean and under the page max, which is also a change for me.

I was happy with it and still am, but a little surprised how few liked it..or even commented on it.  It seems most peeps now are wanting everything spelled out for them, and that's just not how I write or think.  I always want things to be able to be interpreted differently be each reader, but I thought the end reveal made things pretty clear...but maybe it was the word "game" in my logline that made peeps wonder if this was real or not.

Again, thank you to all who provided feedback.  I really appreciate it, and hope it provided a little escapist enjoyment.

To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Posted: June 7th, 2015, 9:12pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Upstate NY
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Now that I know this is yours...

Story just wasn't for me really. However, I really dig your writing style, as I did on that other short with Tanis -- sorry, forgot the name of that one. Its top notch, imo. You build up good tension, and your writing is very visual without being wordy. There's just enough. I guess my issue was your reveal. It feels like it could've been so much more than what it is, but I'll chalk that up to the one week limit.  And for one week, it's pretty good.


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Posted: June 7th, 2015, 9:50pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Yes, that is my real hair...

Cave Creek, AZ
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Thank you JSimon and Steve for the additional responses.  Always nice to hear what peeps have to say.

To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Posted: June 25th, 2015, 2:17pm Report to Moderator

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Lots of action and color. Very entertaining.
Liked the unique way the elevator prompot was ncorporated into the story.
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