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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  The Final Level - OWC
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  Author    The Final Level - OWC  (currently 3583 views)
Don
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 11:38am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Final Level by blank - Short, Survival, Horror, SyFy - Two warriors fight for their survival in a wicked game with deadly adversaries. 9 pages - pdf, format


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DanC
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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Ummm,

Not sure this fits the criteria at all.  This seems like it'd be very very expensive to shoot.  

It was a decent read, but, again, we don't know why they are forced.  Again, leaving out spoilers.

It was a fun story, but, man, this would be far too expensive to shoot on a shoestring budget.

7/10 for idea, 4/10 for the rules of the exercise (at least IMO)


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

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Dan
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stevemiles
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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A Brit perhaps?

Who is Ayreon telling to get down?  Guessing itís Olzon, but it should be clarified as such.

Despite the budget issues the action is handled pretty well, writing is sparse, visual, and to the point.  Tough to pull off this type of fantasy/SF in a short, it often ends up feeling random, and disconnected from the bigger world youíre imagining but unable to show.  The final intercom gives us an idea, a game of sorts.  But itís unclear if itís real or imagined/computer generated etc.  or for what purpose and without that context, tricky to connect to the characters plight.

My guess is youíre much more at home getting these ideas down in features.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 6:54pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats on entering!

Strange sci-fi tale.  Yeah, budget concerns for sure, but not if it's part of a larger feature.  It's just too hard to get into a complex world of characters in a short.  You took it right to the action which helped it.  Writing was good, just couldn't quite get into it.

Good luck.


My Scripts:
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
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The title may give the end away a little, or hint at it at least.

But it's well written for an action ascent up the lift, not sure why they are wearing Norse armour but adds to the colour.

Twist ending worked well enough too,

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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JSimon
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
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Cheesy action writing is a must-have skill for the blockbuster movies. So the writer is wise to continue to develop that.

The next step is to learn a little more about narrative and about character development.

There's promise demonstrated here in the skill the writer does have...action writing. Like the all of us, more growth is needed as a writer. Good luck!
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eldave1
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Fair enough for what it was - by that I mean it was pretty standard out of the box warriors vs monsters.  Action was handled very well-  I could see it. However, I found the dialogue relatively uninspired.

I am not quite sure that this meets the spirit of the competition as the story does not really take place in an elevator or lift but rather in a forever rising tunnel that just happens to have doors to enter - maybe it's just me, but it's kind of like - two guys enter an elevator - they look below - it's the Grand Canyon.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 5:11am Report to Moderator
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Ok, not exactly low budget etc, and sci fi is not my thing, but that kept me reading when I'm usually lost in these things.

What to suggest? Difficult to say. The fact it is an experiment or testing facility perhaps should be known. A kind of running man scenario rather than a bolt on

All the best


My scripts †HERE

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RichardR
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 10:28am Report to Moderator
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this one started well for me.  A battle, an escape, a fight against tall odds.  A doomed pair who fight on anyway.  Then, it's just a game, a simulation or something.  Damn.  

Oh well.  Not a bad attempt but because it lacked a good backstory logic, it turned into something else.

Best
Richard
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 8:49pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Read the whole thing.

Writing's solid.  Action well handled...and it needs to be, since there's not much dialogue.  It kept me entertained.

It's definitely not low budget, but it's all in and just outside a lift, so I'll go along with it.

The ticking clock works well to provide tension and these Myygen things are badass bitches.

The end reveal is interesting and works for me, but I can easily see how others may not approve.

At 8 pages, this reads quickly, but I bet a 1/2 a page could be cut and a little more "meat" could be included.

Good effort.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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EWall433
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The action is well written here. It draws you in and feels cinematic. I also got a pretty good visual of the world you were creating.

I had some issues with Elsa. They never really got a firm number on how many Myygen there were and it seems like they wouldíve tried to figure it out first. It also makes me question what kind of sci-fi world this is where the robotic female A.I. gives more obtuse answers than Siri.

The two places this could be beefed up is the characters and the final twist. And they sort of feed into each other in my view. After the final reveal I found myself wondering how much these guys knew about their predicament. Did they know it was a game? What did they think was happening? Where did they think they had come from? Lots of unanswered questions, and answering them could give an opportunity to build up the characters and their history a bit.

Otherwise, a pretty good effort.
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Gum
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Hi Writer,

Very cool. You should be designing video games IMO. There was a leviathan amount of action going on here that I found myself re-reading /tracing back more than a few times,  trying to get a grasp on:

a) what was transpiring
b) what kind of world we're in, and
c) is this a snippet from a larger piece

That being said, the atmosphere you set, and your descriptors were spot on and detailed enough so anyone jumping in could get their bearings based on previous knowledge of the OWC theme. It would appear you have a very distinctive voice that resonates with a couple of writers on this board...  maybe they'll show.

One other aspect that caught me out was ELSA, why is she not programmed with any form of deductive reasoning? Perhaps she's just an asset within the game that's available to the players, but limited in scope... like a weapon with a limited functionality?

Wicked creative if you whipped this up from scratch for this OWC, well done.


My scripts and templates: Obfuscation
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Simon
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 6:01am Report to Moderator
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I liked the action at first, but after a while it bored me. I wanted more dialogue. But then again, I'm not really into thrillers, anyway. It was good for what it was. I thought the monsters lacked imagination - spider like things shooting webs are kind of cliched.


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MarkRenshaw
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The opening blows whatever shoestring budget the producers had for this movie.

But it was set in an elevator at least. A big sci-fi action fest. You know how to write action but without context of characters, or the world they inhabit I felt myself drifting and then scanning the rest of the action. The setup reminded me way too much of Aliens, in particular Ripleyís encounter with the Queen in the Elevator as the self-destruction countdown blares out.

I liked the twist at the end, itís all a game, but again because I donít know the players involved or what the stakes are it doesnít resonate the way it should do.

-Mark


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Stumpzian
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Upon rereading the logline, I see you sort of told us the deal here without giving it away. I didn't see it it coming.

The ending aside, the set-up is a staple in any number of genres -- western movies, war movies, thrillers. Plus the countdown to lockdown. Fortunately, the monsters are interesting enough to keep us watching.

The action is well-timed. The dialogue does not do much, but it's serviceable. Such lines as "Come on, we can do this" seem too contemporary.

The elevator parameter? Close enough.

Although the script is hardly a ground-breaker, it holds its own in this challenge.



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wonkavite
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
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Yummers!  Hard core SF, written very competantly.  Granted, there's no way in H3LL that this could be done on a budget.  But it was an extremely enjoyable ride.  And if the FX WERE done properly, this would make an awesome short....
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nawazm11
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 5:21am Report to Moderator
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Ending was cool, not sure whether I enjoyed how you got there though. There's a lot of banal action and new terms to be acquainted with. Too many maybe? Only you can decide. It's also hard to know what's going on as the action isn't exactly clear, or in better words, it's a very thick read. I seem to be the minority though. I'd probably go through the concept once and try to milk it out more, when you build up to a twist like this, the story should reflect by it from every decision. Shutter Island, Sixth Sense, even Fight Club.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 6:16am Report to Moderator
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Hmmm. I guess the title and logline fit the story but not real engaging. The Norse guys' language seemed out of place. Another set of players, say from the US Army, or the hood, might have been more appropriate.
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Dustin
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 2:28am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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I read this one twice and still don't like it. It's probably fine, but it reminds me of books I was reading as a kid so I'm instantly put off the subject matter... although I am a lover of sci fi, I'm not so big on fantasy nor mixtures of the two.

Doesn't work for me.

5 out of 10.


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Pale Yellow
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This one reads fast. Almost tiring to read it but it's good action writing I think.

Found myself wanting to know more. Kind of big story for this many pages maybe.

LIked the Myygens. The names of everyone in this thing were a bit hard and slowed the read a bit overall.

Some of the dialogue felt like just backstory, it's hard to set up a world etc in a short and still have memorable characters. I didn't really care for the characters in this.

I liked most the action descriptions and visuals in this. Great job writer. I wish I could write like this.
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Grandma Bear
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Continuing to pick the scripts with the fewest reads.

I don't think this one fit the low to no budget criteria...

Anyway, this one reminded me of the Alien movies. Not badly written or anything, but I was totally confused at first. We've all heard to get in late and get out early. IMHO, this one gets in a little too late and as a result, we don't really know what's going on.. My suggestion would be to add just a tad in the beginning to better get us to understand where we are in time and place.

So, good job, just not one of my top picks.


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Iancou
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Well, I liked the premise. It smacked of other SciFi I have read and watched, but it was different enough that I had to see it through. It was a quick read and has potential. It seemed as if this was chopped in the front to make it fit the parameters of being in/around an elevator/lift. In doing so, the set-up was cut as well. With a relatively little work, this could be a good one. Hopefully, you will revise and polish this one. On the downside, due to the heavy expense this one would incur, I doubt this would get made easily or soon. Best of luck.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 2nd, 2015, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
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The Final Level

A CGI heavy script.

I think it's tremendous and I'm going to recommend it. You get in late, there's humor, action, mystery, irony, imagination, best setting so far... Very well done. Ending, title, there are just pros here for me. Awesome Sci Fi.



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rendevous
Posted: June 2nd, 2015, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
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I read this early on, as I do like science fiction. So much so I went to see Jupiter Ascending. The movie I mean, I don't have a telescope.

Hmm. At least Eddie Redmayne had a good time. I wish I could say the same. Unfortunately I got the same feeling after I tried to read this again. I'll try to remain serious. Fairly.

Oolong sounds like somewhere in Australia. The type of place on a long dirt road, where there's a post office, a small shop, a petrol station and seven pubs.

When you try to go in one of the pubs, the doorman will stop you and ask if you have any weapons. If you say no they'll give you a broken bottle and tell you it's a bit rough in here tonight as they push you inside.

I doubt this is the image the writer was trying to sum up.

A lot of the dialogue isn't bad. But some of it wasn't great. Some of it sounded like something from a kids TV show. Which is unfortunate.

I watched Edge of Tomorrow yesterday, or was it last week? That has as equally preposterous plot to this. But they made a very good film out of it. Even Tom was very good.

This isn't particularly bad. But it failed to grab me. I'd have preferred if the creatures weren't like so many others we've seen before.  

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 1:15am Report to Moderator
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Anytime using an adverb, check to see if there's one word it can be replaced with. For example, instead of "looking intently", replace with "focused". Sometimes a verb is strong enough without the adverb like "instantly" sizzles. Sizzles works great, why modify it?

Sometimes details like "upwards facing arrow" makes the passage unclear.

The stakes aren't bad. They seem high enough to grab my interest. I enjoyed the time ticking down with the narrative. It was handled well.

So a little on the nose at the end, but I can dig it. The dialogue was cheesy at times. That could be a good thing with a gory action snippet. It was overwritten, a trim or edit in a few places will go a long way.
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JSimon
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a few notes


Quoted Text
Red Lights blink, dimly illuminating a cavernous room.
AYREON, 35, dressed in Norse leather armor, plasma gun in
hand, runs up to a closed lift door, out of breath, and
bleeding from several deep wounds in his back.
He turns, takes a firing position on one knee.



- dimly illuminating is awkward...avoid adverbs
  - perhaps: red lights blinking in a dim, cavernous room
- several deep wounds in his back...how do we see they are "deep"?
- not sure what "Norse" leather armor is
- not sure how we can see this is a "plasma" gun
- red lights should be blinking...not blink. Unless they only blink once

perhaps this:

Blinking red lights, cavernous dim room.

AYREON, 35, in leather armor, plasma gun in hand, out of breath and bleeding from several wounds, runs to a closed lift door, turns and drops to a firing position.


- not sure what a squishy thwack is. Squishy implies wetness.


Quoted Text
OLZON, 40, also in Norse leather armor, plasma gun in hand,
arrives on the scene, panting and winded.
   lose the last comma


Quoted Text
You saved me...again, old friend.
Next time, let it be me that saves
you.
lose the ellipse here, slows the rhythm


Quoted Text
Ayreon stands, looking intently towards where the shots were
fired.
where the shots were fired is an unfilmable since we didn't see where they were fired from

maybe: Aryeon stands and searches the facility, gun ready.


Quoted Text
where an upwards facing
arrow pulses bright white


The arrow is pulsing, unless it just pulses once. These rules things are harming you.


Quoted Text
Ayreon raises his left arm, speaks into his smartwatch.


Do we need to know it's left? No. Even though I assume you are making clear it's not his shooting hand...though that was never mentioned.

Just say Ayrean speaks into his smartwatch. More detail that is not needed so is in the way. We know where a watch is worn normally.

Hope this helps, I ran out of time to do more.

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JSimon  -  June 7th, 2015, 4:50pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Thanks to all who read and provided feedback.  All feedback is useful and appreciated, whether I agree with it or not.

A little on the planning and writing, for those that are interested.

I definitely needed to write a serious effort for this OWC and I got on it early, but nothing remotely entertaining came to mind.  I knew damn well that we'd have lots of entries that entailed elevator cliches, lots of dialogue, and stuff I wasn't intereted in.

I was hiking 1 day in Papago Park, which is a really cool area, where I can be alone and "think".  I started thinking about a lift and what I could do, that would be outside the box and contain more action than I imagined most would go for, and this was born.

I fleshed it out the following day, again, on a hike and I started to "see" it, and actually liked what I was seeing.  I knew immediately it wouldn't be low budget, but decided if I keep the entire script inside or next to a lift, and don't have my characters actually interact with the Myygen, in theory, it could be done for alot less than some may think...but again, I completely understand the comments about breaking the bank.

Basically, I envisioned video game scenerio, and I brought in shades of Skyrim, with a new beast, and finally, an alien race overseeing everything.

This is not meant to be a game at all, and I thought several lines of dialogue would make that clear that this is life or death survival, and children and "brothers" are involved.

I purpsoely did not include any backstory and or real character, because in my mind, this was all about the action, and the reveal at the end.

For those who wanted more and still want to know, it goes like this...

The Oolong are the all powerful alien race, who have taken "Nords" to study, and implemented a survival course for 50 at a time, in a controlled environment, in which they have a limited time to escape and survive.

They are given limited ammo and all share the same plasma gun.  The smartwatch with access to Elsa is, as at least 1 reviewer assumed, limited in what she will offer - basically yes/no responses, which will help for sure, but no real AI help to get them to safety.

There are multiple levels they must get through...again, much like a video game, and this is the final level and Ayeron and Olzon, both Scando names, based on some of my favorite music (anyone know who?) are the last 2 alive, as they arrive at the lift.

I wrote this in a single sitting and then gave it numerous reads and edits, and turned it in well before the deadline (for a change), as I had plans for the weekend and knew I needed to get it done and out of the way.

I considered beefing it up a bit, but decided to keep it fairly lean and under the page max, which is also a change for me.

I was happy with it and still am, but a little surprised how few liked it..or even commented on it.  It seems most peeps now are wanting everything spelled out for them, and that's just not how I write or think.  I always want things to be able to be interpreted differently be each reader, but I thought the end reveal made things pretty clear...but maybe it was the word "game" in my logline that made peeps wonder if this was real or not.

Again, thank you to all who provided feedback.  I really appreciate it, and hope it provided a little escapist enjoyment.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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SteveClark
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 9:12pm Report to Moderator
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Jeff,

Now that I know this is yours...

Story just wasn't for me really. However, I really dig your writing style, as I did on that other short with Tanis -- sorry, forgot the name of that one. Its top notch, imo. You build up good tension, and your writing is very visual without being wordy. There's just enough. I guess my issue was your reveal. It feels like it could've been so much more than what it is, but I'll chalk that up to the one week limit.  And for one week, it's pretty good.

Steve


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 9:50pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Thank you JSimon and Steve for the additional responses.  Always nice to hear what peeps have to say.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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KPM
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Lots of action and color. Very entertaining.
Liked the unique way the elevator prompot was ncorporated into the story.
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