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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Just the Tip - OWC
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  Author    Just the Tip - OWC  (currently 2662 views)
Don
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Just the Tip by 0 - Short, Dark Comedy - A proud elevator operator fights to protect those in his charge -- unless that is, they opt for the stairs… 10 pages - pdf, format


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Pete B. Lane
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
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This was well-written and I enjoyed the humor quite a bit. It wasn't laugh-out-loud funny, but that clearly wasn't the author's intent.

I caught on to what was happening early in the script (perhaps too early) and what was finally revealed wasn't entirely satisfying (but close). It left me wanting to know more, but in this case that's a good thing.

A solid effort. I'll give it a B+.
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Well written.  I liked it.  Interesting to say the least.  I liked the mix of characters.  It kept the action going.  Good job.


My Scripts:
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JSimon
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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what I liked:

- very well written! A breeze to read! Much appreciated!
- dialogue shows this also to be a talented writer. Nothing particularly memorable, but extremely competent.

suggestions to improve:

I am on the way out the door, so will have to come back and read this again, because I am confused. The funny thing is the other day I had the idea for a story about a creature who inhabits the elevator shaft. This was close to that. But what I don’t understand is the 13th floor stuff. If this creature rides the elevator, and it clearly was, what does the 13 th floor matter? Is it because the creature or killer lives on the 13th and hops onto the roof every time the elevator goes by? How does he get back to the 13th? I think maybe that part really doesn’t make sense, but maybe I am missing something
- “I. Do as I. Damn. Well. Please!” minor quibble: lose the periods. It slows the rhythm of the dialogue and adds nothing to justify that slowing.
potential for expansion to feature or series:
absolutely has potential for a series!

filming potential:
sure

investment in story and characters:

well, I like the bellhop. However, he is never in danger or jeopardy, so there is some investment, but limited conflict to show us his character

EDIT: thought about this a little overnight. I'm still not sure how the 13th floor thing works. Maybe I'm missing something easy. This creature seems to ride the elevator, so the danger should exist whenever one is on the elevator. But this a comedy of sorts so maybe that doesn't matter/.

Revision History (1 edits)
JSimon  -  May 25th, 2015, 6:23am
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Iancou
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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Well-written and moving... in the sense there was no lag in the action. Shadwell definitely had his hands full with both the passengers and the elevator. Not much to offer in the way of advice.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
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Thought this was well written, good economy in the script and flowed well.

The elevator and the flow of characters is effective and the interplay is good, personally think it would add to the macabe if Shadwell was old not young... but that's just my opinion...

The 13th floor, well some buildings dont have them (apparently) so not all lifts have a 13th button, this does appear to... but the monsters only appear on the lift at that point, sorry don;t really understand why.

The reveal was a little too straightforward imho nut worked for what it was,

Decent job.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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rendevous
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 2:16am Report to Moderator
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Away

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It appears to be compulsory to start comments on this script with the phrase 'well written'. Far be it from me to break this tradition.

This was alright. It was rather gentle and old fashioned comedy. Much in the style of Bob Hope or the like. Up until the last few pages where it picked up a bit. Felt like it needed a bit more though.

R


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stevie
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 2:36am Report to Moderator
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Just The Tip - could've been an alternate title for the Necro File one  

Liked this. As RV said, it had that old charm about it. And I liked how the things going on unseen stay that way so we can imagine to ourselves what sorta shit is going down (or up lol)




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DanC
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:05am Report to Moderator
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I thought it was okay.  I found it slightly boring.  And the end didn't offer any answers.

It was a good read, the author is obviously skilled, but, too many questions, a bit boring.

7/10


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
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Shadwell - I used to change trains, or should I say underground to the DLR, that's  London speak - there. It's a tough place. I'll guess a Brit writer..only because of that.

Good script.

But imagine a script without a meat hook. To me it could be a better script.

Shadwell (just for your info for the spelling check for  shadwell on an iPad are serious annoying) is the best drawn character I have read on this OWC so far.

It just goes to show it doesn't need much.  No family, not past, yet I have a sense I know this guy...at that point.

Damn - is the best so far ?.. What I will say this is the best with potential.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
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eldave1
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
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Throughout, you have this problem:

Quoted Text

SHADWELL
Good morning sir.


There needs to be a comma between morning and sir. True for all instances when someone is addressing a character. You have this error in almost every line of dialogue.

I didn't like this is a much as some of the others did - so maybe it's me. It seemed to drag a bit once we got the sense of what was going on.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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eldave1
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rendevous
It appears to be compulsory to start comments on this script with the phrase 'well written'. Far be it from me to break this tradition.

This was alright. It was rather gentle and old fashioned comedy. Much in the style of Bob Hope or the like. Up until the last few pages where it picked up a bit. Felt like it needed a bit more though.

R


I think this comment was well written


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Simon
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 1:51pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was reasonably entertaining. It reminds me slightly of a Jake and Amir sketch, with the tongue and everything. It wasn't hilarious, but it's the kind of comedy you can sit down and relax to, if you know what I mean. (Apart from the tongue bit).


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RichardR
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 2:58pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one although I found the meat hook a gratuitous.  I don't think it's needed, just the splash of blood.  Enough for an elegant elevator operator.  Whatever lives in the shaft is dangerous enough for me, but I would still like a little explanation, especially since the regulars know about it and do nothing.  hmmmm.

Anyway, good job.

Best
Richard
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EWall433
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 8:51am Report to Moderator
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Well, you definitely created intrigue about what was on the 13th floor. And you paid it off in bizarre fashion. It would’ve been nice to have a couple more hints about this world. A lot of people in the building seem to be well aware of this… thing. The woman going to the 13th floor had me thinking, is it just in the elevator shaft? Is that even possible, and how is it limited to the 13th floor? It would’ve been nice to know more about how this building’s occupants relate to it. Is it a secret to the outside world? Have they tried to get rid of it? Is it recent? Did Shadwell know about it when he took the job?

Filling in some of these gaps may have made me feel more connected to the world, which I think is the main thing holding me back. Otherwise, a clever entry.
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