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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Just the Tip - OWC
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  Author    Just the Tip - OWC  (currently 2663 views)
MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 9:47am Report to Moderator
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I found this very amusing and confusing.

Shadwell is a great, quirky character. The premise is quite bizarre but inventive. There’s something on the 13th floor that Shadwell protects his passengers from, something he can’t protect them from if they go on the stairs. Very interesting but then we have people who seem to have survived the stairs so whatever it is can’t be lethal…or is it?

No-one reacts to the thing on the roof so maybe in this universe the 13th floor beast is well known, but then the Heavyset guy doesn’t seem to have a clue.

I take it the Ping-Pong ball is like a fish hook? Very creative. You don’t specify where the meathook comes from though so I was a little lost here. Is it from the ping pong man?

The last action line has me puzzled as well - Shadwell hooks his cap on the peg and rolls out his neck. – Is rolling out of the neck some expression I’m not aware of or does he literally roll out his neck?

This was set in an elevator, not sure about shoestring budget because of the elaborate fishing death at the end but this is crazy bonkers, creative and entertaining. I’d just suggest another pass to make a few points a bit clearer but this is…dare I say it…well written!

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 10:16am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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4 more scripts to go.  If I can stay in, I'll be detailed.

Alot of direction early on, for no apparent reason.

Shadwell's intro is...odd...awkwardly phrased lines with no verbs - I don't like that at all.

The writing is not for me at all early on.

Oh boy...no named characters?  Only physical cue names?  Weak...very weak.

Is this supposed to be a comedy?  Maybe it is.  OK, just checked.  Yep...dark comedy.  Not my thang at all...not remotely funny, and overly long winded on the opening page.  I'll check out Page 2, but I'm afraid this elevator ride is going to end very soon for this kid.

In dialogue, you need to offset the subject with a comma...always!  Looks like you never do it.

OK, made it past page 2...let's keep going...

Sorry, but this is just very dull and I don't see any comedy.  I'm going to gracefully bow out now.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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nawazm11
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 10:01am Report to Moderator
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A mixed bag for me, I appreciate the writing, and Shadwell's a delight to watch. Not sure about the lack of a payoff for the paranormal -- but I guess it doesn't matter. The script is simple, but in saying that, because it doesn't really push anything, it's hard for it to go wrong. A script that doesn't go wrong is always a good script. This is a nice effort, nothing too extraordinary but a good addition to the challenge.
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Stumpzian
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
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"Just the Tip" -- of the iceberg? Meaning we're getting just a suggestion of what's going on? If so, well done. I  like (some) stories that imply without specifics. Little mysteries.

Here's one. Why does Shadwell take his hat off each time the elevator doors close?

The script moves along crisply. The dialogue is natural. The tone is understated.

A minor spelling correction. The suit back-pedals (not peddles).

I like it.



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wonkavite
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I really like the potential concept of this one.  And there are bits of this script that shine through as having a solid writer behind it. (The intro description of the bellhop, and the stylish non-name descriptions of several of the characters.)

As for the execution - it felt to me as if it could be tightened up.  And then the violent hook death at the end.  While nicely vivid, it felt gratitous.  And there's no real explanation as to the whys and hows what's going on - which left me with a feeling of confusion rather than the mystery that I think you're going for.

But worth a tweaking once this contest's over!
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Dustin
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 2:45am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Things happen without explanation.

4.5 out of 10.


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Pale Yellow
Posted: June 1st, 2015, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
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I like this from the start. Shadwell is a well build character.

The whole elevator roof thing and Shadwell's reaction builds mystery. Good job.

Great dialogue.

I do not know what this means:
Shadwell hooks his cap on the peg and rolls out his neck.

BUT I love this one. Great mystery. Great writing. Easy read (except the one line) and I love it. Great job.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 3rd, 2015, 8:55pm Report to Moderator
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Just the Tip

"Coins rattle across the floor
as the Suit hastily deposits loose change into Shadwell’s hand."

The above is chronologically upside down.

"A meathook punches out through his mouth in a mashing
of blood and teeth."

So, was it coming through the hatch, same as the ping pong ball?  Is it a close-up, so that we really only see the hook smashing through him?     I guess so.
Same with the tongue. It was not on screen, and then Shadwell has it in hand.

^^I honor the risk you take. But - concerning the hook-thing, I'd take into consideration to add it as a CLOSE ON next time. The reader could raise doubts or lose trust in you b/c of the missing description about the direction the strike comes from. By the way: I completely understand why you don't want to give it away where it comes from...

Okay, I guess if you're nice toward the elevator boy, he watches out for the hatch, so the monster atop of the lift is not going to kill you. That's all I got out from it here. I like the boy, he's a bit melancholic which brings aura and ambiance to the script.

Writer: The script is far too long, too many rides with passengers, for not having another message than the conclusion I made above and a gory murder at the climax. Still, good entry, just faaaaarrrrr  tooooo   loooonnng.



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c m hall
Posted: June 4th, 2015, 2:00pm Report to Moderator
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I like this very much, Shadwell is a wonderful character, his dialogue with the patrons is extremely entertaining.

The jiggle toy is terrific and the squeaks are the right mix of being annoying and terrifying.

The timing of every expected and unexpected action in the elevator seem perfect, as written, if this is filmed there has to be special care given to allowing a feeling of roominess in the elevator, I think; enough so that Shadwell's acrobatics can be fully appreciated.  It would be a shame if his heroic actions looked merely silly, in the crammed space.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 7:54pm Report to Moderator
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Another script with an anthology feel to it. I enjoyed the quirkiness of Shadwell and reactions from everyone who is near him. The ending was the standout.

Meathook caught me by surprise, I wasn't expecting that. And that's not necessarily a good thing here, but I like how it was delivered. Maybe not my thing entirely, however the roof mystery kept me going. I do wanna say the dialogue, although not bad at all, felt choppy a times.
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stevemiles
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 8:35am Report to Moderator
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Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and post on this.  Feedback’s always appreciated.

Just to address a few comments:

This was always meant to be more of a Twilight Zone/Tales of the Crypt, style idea -- no real logic behind it, more a bit of camp/gory fun, nothing more.  

I didn’t really go into this with the intention of having an answer to the ‘lift monster’ as such.  Space being one constraint; the other being I didn’t feel an explanation would make it any more plausible (and probably leave more questions than answers).

That said, I kind of had an idea that the ‘lift monster’ was an ex-employee, driven insane and now lurking in the lift-shaft around the 13th floor.  Again, ‘it’ could ride the elevator up and down -- the 13th floor was just the cue for its appearance.    

‘...rolls out his neck...’ -- as in loosening/limbering up; working out the kinks etc.  He’s going for another run past floor 13.  Perhaps not the line to end on.

The idea of the ‘jiggle toy’ was as a crude method of distraction -- the meathook is then dropped in behind the victim (a la Christie Cleek) and used to haul them off into the shaft.  It was meant to be sudden and come out of nowhere -- hence it wasn’t 'shown' happening.  Interesting that a number of people felt it too gratuitous -- the whole idea was written around that moment, though perhaps the tone wasn't consistent.  I’ll have to consider losing/changing it for a rewrite.      

Anthony -- I considered making Shadwell an older character as opposed to a young man.  There were a fair amount of pros/cons for each.  Something I’ll keep in mind.

Eldave1 -- good spot on the dialogue commas, missed those.

Stumpzian -- he takes his hat off so as not to lose it while he secures the hatch.  The repetition is used as a visual cue as to what’s coming.

Bill -- it never occurred to me that Shadwell was a London Station -- funny though I was riding the underground (and looking at the map) a day before writing -- I wonder?

Thanks again for the comments.  I kind of like this one, will definitely be looking at a rewrite to address some of the suggestions.

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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