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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Starlift - OWC
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  Author    Starlift - OWC  (currently 2850 views)
JSimon
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 6:23pm Report to Moderator
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I want to give the writer some feedback: loglines matter.

I know good writers who struggle to write logs. That may be the case here. That loglin is so outrageous that I am not going to open the script. If after the reveal it turns out the writer read mine, I'll come back and give notes.

Don't use the logline to tell us everything you put in your story. There's too much information. I mean it's almost impossible to read and absorb.

Use the log to entice us. That's it. Draw us into your story with your log.

Then do your thing with the story.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 6:46am Report to Moderator
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Creative but I'm going to say this was a story about an elevator not a story in an elevator.
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Dustin
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 8:15am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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You lost me about half way in. Might just be me, but I found it hard to stay with it and found myself skipping. Then it's difficult to stay with whatever tone you're trying to bring which makes it even harder for me to read. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy.

4 out of 10.


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DS
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 7:58am Report to Moderator
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Ohhh, I just knew someone was going to write about a space elevator. My thoughts below, all completely subjective:

It's hard to put my finger on why, as the writing is good, but this felt incredibly difficult to read to me. Perhaps it was all the short scene cuts along with the bold slug lines. It might be one of the rare cases where they took away too much attention because of the sheer amount of them.

I'd also recommend cutting up some of your action blocks where there are technically two shots. Another thing that could make the read smoother.

As for the content, this is another script that was created purely to entertain at the OWC, and the read was worth climbing through to get to it all. Fun satire of the language barrier, nationality stereotypes and all those NASA videos from the last century. I especially enjoyed the dig at the stereotypical american "patriotism" that the story ended up centering behind. The references are easy to get and funny. Really off parameters, but well played otherwise.
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Stumpzian
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 9:57am Report to Moderator
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I was glad to see someone used the space-elevator idea. Sorry to say, nobody's inside the elevator. Or even near it. The space station is high above Florida. The base facility control room is close to the launch point, I guess, but not close enough.

Upshot: I don't think it should be considered in this OWC. I  kind of like the script but don't have time to comment further.



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wonkavite
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
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I have real mixed emotions about this.

BEAUTIFULLY written.  Interesting characters.  Obviously, a very solid writer is behind this one.

The negatives:

* Obviously, despite the "lift" in the story, it's not in line with the spirit of the OWC.  And it's definitely by no means indie or easy to film.  (Then again, Final Level wasn't either.  And I rather liked that one.)

* Frankly, I really didn't get the humor in this, or think it was that funny.  Interesting, very well written - yes.  Funny?  Nah....

* And the story just didn't seem to have any point.  That a bunch of international astronauts screw things up and then cover it up?  Too light weight a premise for the setup.  

All that said, I probably wouldn't mind seeing something a bit more serious with the same characters at some point.  Probably expanded to a longer length....
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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 5th, 2015, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
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Starlift

Good title, I want to know what a Starlift is.

"A mushroom-shaped space station floats over Florida."

Okay, okay. I think your vision is a scifi retro-style, trash-movie which an IT student easily could bring to life visually. It doesn't has to look good, it just has to eventually  "be something". Is it possible? Yes! Hundreds of films out there are not taking themselves so serious. Do I honor this whole approach? Hell yes. If you don't have the money for production design, show them the middle finger and make a satire with wit and charm yourself.

"floats in zero-g over a
console."

Then that would be a problem I think- since you don't want to swing them on ropes through your living room.

Some jokes were good.

I like your attitude. If no one likes to make your million dollar scifi then damn for sure you could make it without any dollar. (Watch the first Cameron short movie f.e.) I like the production concept and that you stated openly here that all this Looks cheap and simple.



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Dustin
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 7:53am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Sorry mate, I'll have to take another look through this script. It's certainly a brave choice of genre.


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Iancou
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, there are so many posts I have to address. I can't begin to do each one. I will say thank you all for taking time to read... or not. Twenty-seven is a large number to read and we all have lives, so at times we relied on skimming the threads to see what the established writers had to say. Several expressed opinions that this script did not follow the parameters. I leave that to the group to decide. That said, here is the rationale behind my entry.

The premise of occurring in/around an elevator/lift was somewhat of a challenge, but not insurmountable, as so many of you proved with style and skill. However, in my quick read of the other rules, I failed to note the low/no budget part and had to quickly revamp the script at the last minute.

My intent was to write a spoof of the low-budget SciFi shows from the 70s centered around the world's first space elevator (something I read about as a kid). The ground station was the "lobby" and the space station was the "top floor," something I failed to properly explain. I also attempted to spoof NASA and the different stereotypes for all of us English speakers, no matter the continent/island from which we hail. I tried to use humor, but several posts were quick to point out that I fell short. In any case, I am torn between further developing this without the low/no-budget restriction or moving on. Who knows? It needs to ferment awhile longer as I work on another project.

Congratulations to the "winners". You did some fine work and kudos to you. I look forward to reading revised versions and, hopefully, see them filmed.


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