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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Starlift - OWC
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  Author    Starlift - OWC  (currently 2848 views)
Don
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Starlift by Niemand Geist - Short, Science Fiction, Comedy - Ineptitude and a clash of personalities endanger the launch of the first space lift/elevator as supposedly English speaking astronauts try to work together and save the mission in this salute to those bad special effect shows of the 1970s. 11 apges - pdf, format


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stevie
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
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Started ready this but you have all these locations going on - big budget too - with no elevator yet. Really shouldn't have been allowed so will skip it

Sorry to be pedantic but it's early Monday morning and I'm tired.



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Iancou
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
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Well, it was different. Kind of pushes the boundaries for taking place in/around an elevator, but technically is in the parameters. As for writing, it is quick and doesn't drag too much. Not much else to say.


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rendevous
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
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I think you'd blow the budget on the first page.

An ambitious idea. I think Athur C Clarke had it first though. Can't see many reading it all as it's way off the brief.

I can't say Wiggins sounds very Australian. His dialogue comes across as more Yorkshire than Down Under.

I did have this strange idea that astronauts are highly trained and intelligent. They're usually former test pilots who can remain calm in the most extreme circumstances. Yet here they're portrayed as joke telling xenophobes who'd be more at home in a pub. Or surfing.

I wanted to like it, as I often like silly, but it's a bit too silly, and too far away from the challenge. Sorry.

R


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DanC
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, this is 100M and not bottle budget.

I just didn't care about what was going on.  And on top of that, I find it improbable that they wouldn't have had a contingency for everything that could happen.

Sorry, this didn't work for me.

3/10

I did like the writing.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the interplay between the different English speaking charcters... but not entirely sure I agree with this fitting the parameters...

Afraid the action left me a litte cold though, just didn't do it for me.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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Doesn't appear to meet the requirements or even try to.

There's also a very goofy vibe running throughout,

Doesn't work for me in any way.  I'm out on page 2.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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eldave1
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
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IMO - not even close to the requirements. Sorry - I DQ'd it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 9:59am Report to Moderator
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Well that was different.

I remember hearing about a space elevator on a investigation into graphene which is so strong it could happen, so they say.

I quite like the different language banter. Got potential.

Budget and concept wise, it doesn't really fit the bill, but I think you could take this lot and put them somewhere else, like an artic base and do something with them in a different story.

All the best


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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 10:41am Report to Moderator
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Congrats on finishing!

Camera POV?  I thought it was always the camera POV in a film script?  You have Hiscock slurping TEA from a squeeze bottle.  Why tea?  I like tea but that detail is not necessary so just say liquid.  Page 4 "voice DRONES on" what does this mean in a series of shots?

Well, budget for this might be kind of high but you never know.  You kept the equipment in the 60s to 80s time frame so a quick trip to Goodwill would get most of your props.  You could get some grad students to do the SFX work and you still might get this done.  At first I didn't like the dialogue but got used to it and it had a Armageddon type style to the banter.  You could combine a character or two and actually get this done.  The elevator was the subject but not really filmed in it and really the idea was to keep it low budget - and you didn't - but somehow this grew on me.  Ended up liking it.  Didn't read the other comments so I might be in minority, but kind of liked it.  Good luck.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 10:55am Report to Moderator
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The logline is a bit of a mouthful. Yeah that’s what she said lololol! Sorry.

I’ve read about these space elevators, or lunar lifts as they are known in ‘Blighty’. In theory they could work and I know there’s various plans to attempt to build one; it certainly would be an impressive feat if they do.  I doubt this is low budget or even medium or high budget though…more like ludicrous budget. Technically this isn’t really about an Elevator as such either.

The banter seems mainly focused on different takes on English slang words. The problem is this detracts from the overall dialogue as it is brought up in nearly every sentence; it is overused.

I managed to get to the end but none of it really worked for me apart from the writing was crisp, clear and easy to follow.

Well done on entering and for taking a risk and trying to produce something quite different.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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RichardR
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 11:50am Report to Moderator
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I don't have a lot to say about this one.  Straight forward although lacking the jargon that would tie all these different astronauts together.  Because they would all use the same 'space' language.  It's a pretty implausible accident in my mind.  While accidents do happen, it would seem they would test of this one over and over again.  But that's me.  

Best
Richard
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 8:44am Report to Moderator
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I think you failed the elevator part of the challenge (yes, I do know about space elevators) and the lo-no budget thing as well, but you know what, I enjoyed your script very much. I thought it was fun and creative and kept me interested. Great writing on display too.

I don't know what else to say. One of the most enjoyable scripts to read for me so far. Thanks for the fun.  


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SteveClark
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Yeah, you blew it on the parameters of this challenge, and you sent the budget soaring along with the space elevator payload straight to Mars. But you know what? Very enjoyable read, tongue in cheek kinda funny with some laugh out loud moments.

I can't help but think was Hiscock a reference to Hitchcock, or just a fun name to bounce off of Johnson when the two spoke to each other. Funny stuff.

Good luck with this!

Steve


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paydirt
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The writing's decent, but I don't think the script follows the OWC's requirements of being in/near an elevator with a low budget.  

I also didn't notice any sluglines, maybe there was an issue with the PDF conversion, or on my end.

Hiscock is an odd choice for a name:

Quoted Text
The astronauts gather around Hiscock in stunned silence.
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JSimon
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 6:23pm Report to Moderator
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I want to give the writer some feedback: loglines matter.

I know good writers who struggle to write logs. That may be the case here. That loglin is so outrageous that I am not going to open the script. If after the reveal it turns out the writer read mine, I'll come back and give notes.

Don't use the logline to tell us everything you put in your story. There's too much information. I mean it's almost impossible to read and absorb.

Use the log to entice us. That's it. Draw us into your story with your log.

Then do your thing with the story.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 6:46am Report to Moderator
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Creative but I'm going to say this was a story about an elevator not a story in an elevator.
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Dustin
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 8:15am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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You lost me about half way in. Might just be me, but I found it hard to stay with it and found myself skipping. Then it's difficult to stay with whatever tone you're trying to bring which makes it even harder for me to read. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy.

4 out of 10.


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DS
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 7:58am Report to Moderator
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Ohhh, I just knew someone was going to write about a space elevator. My thoughts below, all completely subjective:

It's hard to put my finger on why, as the writing is good, but this felt incredibly difficult to read to me. Perhaps it was all the short scene cuts along with the bold slug lines. It might be one of the rare cases where they took away too much attention because of the sheer amount of them.

I'd also recommend cutting up some of your action blocks where there are technically two shots. Another thing that could make the read smoother.

As for the content, this is another script that was created purely to entertain at the OWC, and the read was worth climbing through to get to it all. Fun satire of the language barrier, nationality stereotypes and all those NASA videos from the last century. I especially enjoyed the dig at the stereotypical american "patriotism" that the story ended up centering behind. The references are easy to get and funny. Really off parameters, but well played otherwise.
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Stumpzian
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 9:57am Report to Moderator
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I was glad to see someone used the space-elevator idea. Sorry to say, nobody's inside the elevator. Or even near it. The space station is high above Florida. The base facility control room is close to the launch point, I guess, but not close enough.

Upshot: I don't think it should be considered in this OWC. I  kind of like the script but don't have time to comment further.



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wonkavite
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
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I have real mixed emotions about this.

BEAUTIFULLY written.  Interesting characters.  Obviously, a very solid writer is behind this one.

The negatives:

* Obviously, despite the "lift" in the story, it's not in line with the spirit of the OWC.  And it's definitely by no means indie or easy to film.  (Then again, Final Level wasn't either.  And I rather liked that one.)

* Frankly, I really didn't get the humor in this, or think it was that funny.  Interesting, very well written - yes.  Funny?  Nah....

* And the story just didn't seem to have any point.  That a bunch of international astronauts screw things up and then cover it up?  Too light weight a premise for the setup.  

All that said, I probably wouldn't mind seeing something a bit more serious with the same characters at some point.  Probably expanded to a longer length....
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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 5th, 2015, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
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Starlift

Good title, I want to know what a Starlift is.

"A mushroom-shaped space station floats over Florida."

Okay, okay. I think your vision is a scifi retro-style, trash-movie which an IT student easily could bring to life visually. It doesn't has to look good, it just has to eventually  "be something". Is it possible? Yes! Hundreds of films out there are not taking themselves so serious. Do I honor this whole approach? Hell yes. If you don't have the money for production design, show them the middle finger and make a satire with wit and charm yourself.

"floats in zero-g over a
console."

Then that would be a problem I think- since you don't want to swing them on ropes through your living room.

Some jokes were good.

I like your attitude. If no one likes to make your million dollar scifi then damn for sure you could make it without any dollar. (Watch the first Cameron short movie f.e.) I like the production concept and that you stated openly here that all this Looks cheap and simple.



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Dustin
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 7:53am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Sorry mate, I'll have to take another look through this script. It's certainly a brave choice of genre.


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Iancou
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, there are so many posts I have to address. I can't begin to do each one. I will say thank you all for taking time to read... or not. Twenty-seven is a large number to read and we all have lives, so at times we relied on skimming the threads to see what the established writers had to say. Several expressed opinions that this script did not follow the parameters. I leave that to the group to decide. That said, here is the rationale behind my entry.

The premise of occurring in/around an elevator/lift was somewhat of a challenge, but not insurmountable, as so many of you proved with style and skill. However, in my quick read of the other rules, I failed to note the low/no budget part and had to quickly revamp the script at the last minute.

My intent was to write a spoof of the low-budget SciFi shows from the 70s centered around the world's first space elevator (something I read about as a kid). The ground station was the "lobby" and the space station was the "top floor," something I failed to properly explain. I also attempted to spoof NASA and the different stereotypes for all of us English speakers, no matter the continent/island from which we hail. I tried to use humor, but several posts were quick to point out that I fell short. In any case, I am torn between further developing this without the low/no-budget restriction or moving on. Who knows? It needs to ferment awhile longer as I work on another project.

Congratulations to the "winners". You did some fine work and kudos to you. I look forward to reading revised versions and, hopefully, see them filmed.


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