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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Feels Like Falling - OWC
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  Author    Feels Like Falling - OWC  (currently 4178 views)
SteveDiablo
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 7:20pm Report to Moderator
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You know you've read something decent when a story makes you smile at the end.
The best I've read so far.
At one point I thought it might have been plodding along, perhaps you could cut Kirby and Sophie's elevator meetings to three times max, but overall this is a solid well thought out script.
4/5
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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This is well written and even well conceived.

It's almost all dialogue, so it depends on that dialogue being real, natural, and telling the story.  And it is all those, and because of that, it works exactly as it set out to.

I don't think we need the dates on the phone.

There are several little errors throughout, but nothing too major.  Biggest issues I see were not naming Officer Fred right out of the gate, and having your FADE OUT on the very top of Page 8, which doesn't look good.

This is obviously slow and very light on action, but it's powerful because of the little dialogue details you included, making both characters real and likable.

Good job!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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DS
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, writer. My thoughts below -- all completely subjective:

I liked this one. Spreading the story out for months with occasional glances at the date were a nice touch. I'm wondering whether David was a little overdone as a villain. Not that he shouldn't be the drunk abusive villain, rather that he shouldn't be so sloppy every time we see him. I would have liked to see him calm and collected at some point instead of sloppy, angry and drunk constantly. Would have helped take the character more seriously and really made him more frightening due to it. Both Marcus and Sophie were good characters imo though and the story went by at a nice pace.

Another small suggestion, I think Marcus's speech goes on a little too long at page 4 & 5. Good luck!
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stevemiles
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 7:09am Report to Moderator
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A clean, flowing read that stuck to the story at hand and made good use of the parameters.  Liked the attention to detail, thought you used the old style elevator to good effect.  An engaging story with convincing characters and a satisfying payoff.  Top three for me.

Nicely played.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 7:52am Report to Moderator
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I’m so glad I continued reading these scripts. I read about 20 on Monday and each one either didn’t stick to the parameters of the challenge or didn’t work for me. Today I’ve read several that are really good and do stick to the rules.

Guys and gals, THIS is how you write characters. In just a few pages you made me care about Sophie and Marcus, you made me believe their plight and I identified with them as real human beings. Great writing, great descriptions, superb dialogue!

Quite honestly you had me totally and I would have loved this 100% if you’d finished on page 8. So much feels man!! Then you went for the obvious and killed her off, plus you paint David as this one-dimensional monster, which grates loudly against the very believable characters that came before it.

My love dropped to 88.9%.

But then David got his comeuppance so my love went up to 98%. It would have gone back to 100 if you’d managed to get the ‘feels like falling’ line in somehow, either just before he pushes him or as he’s falling.

Love this. It fits the parameters of the challenge perfectly without cheating. I do like the use of the Phone, just think it’s overused. After we’ve seen it twice I think the audience can get that it presents a passage of time.

This is in my top 3 for sure.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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khamanna
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 10:22am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

I was going to stop the reads but then decided to go for one more.

I'm glad I did. You packed a lot into your story and it covers a month of real life time and did it very well. I'm glad it's an elevator man's story not Sophie's.
It's a very very good story and I don't have any reservations against it.
I could deffinitely see it filmed.

I'm 90% sure I know who it belongs to. I think this one will be getting awards as well.  
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nawazm11
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 5:02am Report to Moderator
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Not sure if I'm a fan of this. There's potential in the writing, but it feels like you're still grasping at a lot of concepts but in saying that, some of them do work.

A lot of people prefer the whole 'there's a bad guy, needs to be defeated, and is then defeated' narrative, and there's nothing wrong with that. But you need to escalate it something a little more original. David is evil for the sake of evil, Sophie is a damsel in distress and really, portrayed as a stereotypical abuse victim, Marcus has nice guy syndrome until he suddenly doesn't. He has a few little original quirks, but he takes a back seat role in the story until the last few pages. What you need to do is really build the story so any time where it doesn't feel fresh or the audience knows where's it's going, you switch up the dynamic. Granted, there were a few instances of that but it's just really lacking anything new or engaging enough to really recommend it. Seems like I'm in the minority here though.
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Stumpzian
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 11:08am Report to Moderator
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I once worked with a teacher who had to leave her abusive husband who was a cop. Even after the divorce, he was able to track her movements and harass her because of his position.

That's only part of the reason this script resonated with me. The situation (even without the cop element)  is such a common problem, and I'm glad the writer tackled the subject. He or she did it well and believably.

I'm with those who like the title. I had the same thoughts as others about the way Officer Fred acted toward Marcus. I suppose, though, it was a convenient way to show the fix was in for David.

This writer clearly has been around the block in terms of script-writing and will repair or redo some of the things that have been mentioned.

Thumbs up.



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wonkavite
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
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Wow.  Nice work.  

Not reallly sure what else to say. But professionally written, subtle.  Works on all levels.  One of my top three, no doubt.  )
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from nawazm11
Not sure if I'm a fan of this. There's potential in the writing, but it feels like you're still grasping at a lot of concepts but in saying that, some of them do work.

A lot of people prefer the whole 'there's a bad guy, needs to be defeated, and is then defeated' narrative, and there's nothing wrong with that. But you need to escalate it something a little more original. David is evil for the sake of evil, Sophie is a damsel in distress and really, portrayed as a stereotypical abuse victim, Marcus has nice guy syndrome until he suddenly doesn't. He has a few little original quirks, but he takes a back seat role in the story until the last few pages. What you need to do is really build the story so any time where it doesn't feel fresh or the audience knows where's it's going, you switch up the dynamic. Granted, there were a few instances of that but it's just really lacking anything new or engaging enough to really recommend it. Seems like I'm in the minority here though.


My thoughts on this were less constructive and more slack rock, but this is a insightful review Mo, and I agree with it.
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JSimon
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with Mo's points. I think those are easy tweaks, though, and the structure is there. Marcus should have to overcome some internal obstacle when he pushes David to his death. David should be playing it sweet after he kills his wife. Sophie is ok the way she is because she should be a prop in the story. Marcus is the protagonist, he is the one that should have to grow to do what he needs to do to get justice for her. It's a good touch that Sophie doesn't decide to leave until she's pregnant. That gives her the courage and it shows she's thinking of someone else.

Don't know the writer, but I picked this one to win. It's not perfect, but none of them are perfect, and not sure I've ever read a perfect OWC entry(yes, read my share in another life).
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 8:27pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah...right...don't forget that all important character arc, huh?  Please...let's not worry about the screenwriting 101 BS.

What works, works, and this works.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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JSimon
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
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Screenwriting 101 deals only with asides and the proper construction of Fades.

Things work and don't work for reasons. Reasons that have nothing to do with rules. Rules they teach in 101.
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 9:04pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JSimon
Screenwriting 101 deals only with asides and the proper construction of Fades.

Things work and don't work for reasons. Reasons that have nothing to do with rules. Rules they teach in 101.


Sounds like "your rules" include the all important character arc, huh?  Of course it does, bro...right?

What good is a great character without that character arc?

Hilarious...



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Max
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
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Maybe you guys should settle this inside the Elimination Chamber on Sunday.


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