SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is April 19th, 2021, 1:10am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion forum, please send me a message. There is no online registration. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
Script of the April Quickie Challenge are up - 4 page audio drama (comedy, thriller, sci fi, etc)


The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Feels Like Falling - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Feels Like Falling - OWC  (currently 4193 views)
Dreamscale
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 9:11pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11456
Posts Per Day
2.34

Quoted from Max
Maybe you guys should settle this inside the Elimination Chamber on Sunday.


As long as both our characters have an incredibly cheesy and obvious character arc, I'm game.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 30 - 45
JSimon
Posted: May 31st, 2015, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
105
Posts Per Day
0.05
A character does not need an arc.

But a narrative requires obstacles. The more strong those obstacles are the more tension it creates and the more satisfaction it achieves when the character(s) succeeds.

The obstacles can be internal or external or both. Again, the more powerful the opposing force is the better.

This story succeeds in getting us to really want Marcus to get justice for Sophie. And we know the system won't work, the cops have rigged it. So we know Marcus must do it himself.

The question is what obstacles are in the way.

An external obstacle exists in that David is a cop. But this obstacle is also limited by the fact that David has no idea Marcus had been advising Sophie to leave him, no idea Marcus knew she was about to leave. So David is not really consciously opposing Marcus. Which means it will be relatively easy for Marcus to take matters into his own hands...he has surprise on his side.

However, it becomes much harder of there is some internal obstacle in Marcus. Maybe he is a stickler for the law. Maybe he's a former cop. Maybe he's one of those guys that observes and never gets involved, which is consistent with his profession.

The more we in the audience feel this internal obstacle weighing on him the more tension it creates, the more we root for him to overcome it, and the more satisfaction we have when he finally does and pushes David down the shaft to his death.

If you want to call that an arc, that's fine. But an arc is not a rule...it's a tool. Just like the screenplay grammar rules you like...they are tools, not rules. An arc can be a useful tool to create internal obstacles. Worth having all the tools in your storymaking toolbox you can get.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 31 - 45
Dreamscale
Posted: May 31st, 2015, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11456
Posts Per Day
2.34

Quoted from JSimon
But a narrative requires obstacles.


OK, just want to make sure this isn't a rule that every single script must follow.

Oh wait...based on how you worded this, it does sound like a rule.

The thing is, the "obstacle(s)" can be organic, and in reality, it's actually hard not to have some type of obstacle.

My point?  You don't need to shoehorn some redonkulous "thing" in, trying to make sure you indeed have your obstacle.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

Revision History (1 edits)
Dreamscale  -  May 31st, 2015, 5:04pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 32 - 45
JSimon
Posted: May 31st, 2015, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
105
Posts Per Day
0.05
There is only one rule: hold people's attention.

Whatever it takes.

Whatever writing style you want.

Creating obstacles helps create tension and interest. It helps hold an audience or reader's attention.

If there are ways to do it without obstacles, fine. Pretty tough to find examples of that.

But we're here to explore how to make stories better, right? We're not just on the hunt for asides and other script monsters? So my suggestion...on a story which I said was the best OWC I'd read...was that maybe an internal obstacle would help. Imagine if after Sophie is killed, and the cops clear their fellow cop, imagine if we wonder if Marcus will overcome his[fill in the blank].

That potentially adds to the tension and the interest, and creates a potentially more satisfying conclusion. Think of Jaws...Chief Brody is afraid of the water.

EDIT: I think the Sherlock Holmes with R Downey Jr is an excellent film. And not only does Sherlock not have an arc...we don't want him to have one! And that's the strength of the film. When the story begins, Watson has recently become engaged and has moved out of the bachelor pad he shared with Holmes. Holmes is like a jilted lover. Watson wants to grow up, Holmes wants to keep living the bachelor lifestyle: fighting, gambling, womanizing, and solving cases. And WE don't want Watson to grow up and change! We don't want Holmes to grow up! Because we want to see them together again as a team. So the obstacle here is...wait for it...the character arc! We want these characters to resist the arc which will lead them to grow up.

It's this need to resist come opposing force that matters. Usually that involves a need to change, but it can involve the need to RESIST change.

Revision History (1 edits)
JSimon  -  May 31st, 2015, 7:24pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 33 - 45
eldave1
Posted: May 31st, 2015, 9:06pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6494
Posts Per Day
2.65

Quoted from JSimon
There is only one rule: hold people's attention.

Whatever it takes.

Whatever writing style you want.

Creating obstacles helps create tension and interest. It helps hold an audience or reader's attention.

If there are ways to do it without obstacles, fine. Pretty tough to find examples of that.

But we're here to explore how to make stories better, right? We're not just on the hunt for asides and other script monsters? So my suggestion...on a story which I said was the best OWC I'd read...was that maybe an internal obstacle would help. Imagine if after Sophie is killed, and the cops clear their fellow cop, imagine if we wonder if Marcus will overcome his[fill in the blank].

That potentially adds to the tension and the interest, and creates a potentially more satisfying conclusion. Think of Jaws...Chief Brody is afraid of the water.

EDIT: I think the Sherlock Holmes with R Downey Jr is an excellent film. And not only does Sherlock not have an arc...we don't want him to have one! And that's the strength of the film. When the story begins, Watson has recently become engaged and has moved out of the bachelor pad he shared with Holmes. Holmes is like a jilted lover. Watson wants to grow up, Holmes wants to keep living the bachelor lifestyle: fighting, gambling, womanizing, and solving cases. And WE don't want Watson to grow up and change! We don't want Holmes to grow up! Because we want to see them together again as a team. So the obstacle here is...wait for it...the character arc! We want these characters to resist the arc which will lead them to grow up.

It's this need to resist come opposing force that matters. Usually that involves a need to change, but it can involve the need to RESIST change.


Funny you should mention JAWS - just watched (for the zillionth time) with my wife and I loved the fear of water obstacle.

While I felt that this script (Feel Like Falling) was excellent (got a recommend from me) I do agree with you in that the inclusion of an obstacle would further enhance the story. I remember at the time I read it thinking - hmmm - what if Marcus was blind? A man that absent his eyesight would have taken care of things much earlier - ultimately using the only thing that he knows without seeing (i.e., the elevator) to accomplish his mission. I know it's a short so there may not be enough space - but I would have also like to have seen an earlier confrontation between Marcus and David (e.g., something akin to mind you own business blind man). Anyway  - again, a fab script. Just thought I would throw my two cents in on the obstacle since your comments triggered thoughts I had earlier.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 34 - 45
Iancou
Posted: May 31st, 2015, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Southeastern United States
Posts
159
Posts Per Day
0.06
Not much to say other than I enjoyed it. The end was predictable, but in a satisfying way. I was hoping Marcus would avenge Sophie's murder. THAT is a sign of getting the audience emotionally involved in the story. I daresay this is among my top three choices. Good work.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 35 - 45
JSimon
Posted: May 31st, 2015, 9:24pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
105
Posts Per Day
0.05
Blind, yes, great idea!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 36 - 45
PrussianMosby
Posted: June 5th, 2015, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
1404
Posts Per Day
0.51
Feels Like Falling

P6  He called her Sophie before. I think they should be consistent in this case.

"SOPHIE
I’m not on Facebook.

MARCUS
You should start.
She thinks about it.

SOPHIE
Okay, I will."

There's a lot of dialogue like that. We really understand they like each other, and it's all good. I suggest you to go forward with your story. Sure, it's an OWC – just saying for the future, try to find the context (for what it's there) of every dialogue line and at least cut some of it or there's too much soap opera going on without anything moving.

It's a neat story to read. You got some fine skills. Don't know if the audience wants to keep attention on the DATE and TIME references. Maybe there's a different possibility. Don't get my critique from above wrong, things can really go slow; still I always step in to even cut down a slow story if it's overwritten like that. Good entry. Nice mood.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 37 - 45
EWall433
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 12:37pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
423
Posts Per Day
0.15
Hello all. First, thank you to everyone who read and reviewed. I'm glad to see it went over well for the most part. Truth is I wasn't sure how well it would go over. I came up with the story in a rage and wasn't sure how much would actually translate. If you would like to experience said rage yourself, watch Frontline’s A Death in St. Augustine. In can be streamed on Netflix, found here…

http://video.pbs.org/video/2365128108/

or read here…

http://www.nytimes.com/projects/2013/two-gunshots/

It's the story of Michelle O'Connell (my pseudonym) and basically, I had just watched this when the challenge theme came down. I couldn't get it out of my mind so I relented and simply retold the story in an elevator. A lot of changes were made to streamline, and to provide closure, but the gist of it is there. Some of the critiques of David and the cover up actually boil down to details I carried over. Those details include, but are not limited to...


- The girlfriend's "suicide" by being shot in the mouth with the boyfriend's service pistol.

- A shot being fired in the floor because that's exactly what you do before you kill yourself, you fire a warning shot.

- The boyfriend being drunk and belligerent when the cops arrived. In real life he growled at his fellow officers and hit a squad car so hard it dented the hood. Another fellow officer said he had general temper issues and described them as, “he’d drink and just get pissed.”

- The investigating officers’ flat refusal to take statements from the family that involved stories of domestic abuse, her plan to break up with him that night and her stated fear of what would happen.

- An eyewitness who saw the boyfriend (drunk again) at a bar the next day and overheard him say, "I won't let that bitch ruin me. She got what she deserved."

- And finally a ruling of suicide and the boyfriend's reinstatement as an officer, a position he enjoys to this day.


If this sounds incredible, well it's just what I could fit in. And if it sounds like a miscarriage of justice that's almost too ridiculous to believe, well that was the motivation for writing.

David is one note, I agree. But fuck him. I have no desire to humanize him. He works better as a walking manifestation of injustice than he would as a real human being.

I take some exception to the idea that Sophie is a damsel in distress. I guess in the sense that she’s a young woman in a bad situation, but in the sense that she requires Marcus to extricate her from her situation, I wrote specifically against that. Marcus, for all his efforts, is mostly a bystander in her life. He makes a nice speech and she rejects it. Fear of course is a factor, but her stated reason references her job and a feeling of responsibility to the children in her care. Her mind is not changed by anything Marcus says or does. Her mind is changed by her own pregnancy, and even then she chooses, for various reasons, to stay until the last day of school is over. That she is portrayed in an emotionally vulnerable state, or that things don’t work out for her, should not diminish her agency.

Actually, I considered Marcus’ powerlessness to be a big motivating factor in the final scene. He pushes David down an elevator because that’s all he can do. Like any other day of his life he’s only got two options. Up or Down. Do nothing or Murder. I did toy with the idea of giving Marcus an arc, but I struggled and ultimately rejected it because I didn’t see being pushed to murder as something I would define as character growth. The murder at the end felt needed in terms of wrapping up the story, but I wanted it to be closure without catharsis. A death to balance a death can’t equal a life, and I never wanted the story’s actual end to feel better than when we thought Sophie might make it.

This was my biggest misstep, as gleaned from both positive and negative feedback. The end wasn’t meant to feel so damn good. I suppose my feelings about David got the better of me. I also struggled with the final beat. Having Marcus walk into the stairwell while seeding his alibi never felt like the best note to play.

I’m actually thinking of tweaking the final scene to have a bystander come into the hall while David and Marcus are at the elevator. This would force Marcus to decide whether to abandon his plan or do it anyway knowing he can’t cover it up. Of course he would do it anyway and I’d get a more mixed ending. Justice is served… for everyone.

And as a side note, I was intrigued by Dave’s idea to make Marcus blind, it could even work thematically (justice is blind), but I think there are too many changes I’d have to make. First, I’d need to rethink how Marcus becomes aware of the abuse (he’d have to hear it rather than see a bruise), but mostly I’m held up wondering how a blind man would get the job of manual elevator operator. It requires a fair amount of precision to match the lift floor to the main floor. I’m sure a blind person could do it eventually, but who would give him the time to practice?

Anyway thanks again to all who commented. It was nice to see a debate spring up and keep, more or less, to the issues and their relevance to the script. Especially since that debate appears to have devolved on other threads.

Oh and I almost forgot the DATE/TIME issue. I may cut that back some, but likely not all. At the time I really wanted to have a familiar rhythm to each sequence (LOBBY - ELEVATOR - 9th FLOOR - repeat…). I feared it would be confusing and feel structurally ‘loose’ otherwise. The phone was part of that.

Cheers all!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 38 - 45
JSimon
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 1:51pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
105
Posts Per Day
0.05
He might suffer macular degeneration where his blindness came on later in life and he learned to adapt in his work.

There might be other ways to show time progression now that you are freed from OWC constraints.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 39 - 45
EWall433
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 4:03pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
423
Posts Per Day
0.15
I'll keep the blind thing in my back pocket. If I can think of a way to integrate it so that it feels seamless I'll give it a go.

Funny thing with the phone is it originated as a way to give the "Cop Reinstated Headline" and I just used it for time passage too. I remember I was about to write in a newspaper but thought a fake internet article has got to be cheaper to make than a fake newspaper.

Thinking now I wonder if even SUPERIMPOSING the dates wouldn't feel less intrusive than constantly inserting a shot of the phone. I think what's tripping me up is that most of the sequences are separated by a month, but a couple are separated by just hours. I don't want to trick people into thinking we've skipped a month when it's really two hours later.

Maybe I could have him painting something... cause he's blind-

Dang it!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 40 - 45
Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2616
Posts Per Day
0.74
blind - hadn't spotted that.

that could be a challenge to write but i could picture some cool images

For example, a scene where the wife and husband are talking to another person. Like a typically abused person, she puts on a happy expression trying to persuade the world, but the blind man hears the meaning in the words etc

Tough task to pull off.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 41 - 45
DanC
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 12:03am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1131
Posts Per Day
0.51
I wanted to take the time and say what a great little story you crafted.  I think I had this in my top 3.  I really enjoyed it a lot.

Thanks for creating this.  

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 42 - 45
Max
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


BOSS STATUS

Location
UK
Posts
578
Posts Per Day
0.13
What I liked most about this, on seconds thoughts, is the phone being used as a device to show the passing of time.

I liked that, it was really well handled without creating too much confusion, you eliminated the use of supers there as well.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 43 - 45
EWall433
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
423
Posts Per Day
0.15
Thanks Dan and Max.

It's funny that you mention liking the phone bit, as I just spent all day at work thinking about how I could do it without the phone or superimposing. I actually came up with something that not only feels natural, but adds a subplot and extra dimension to Marcus' character (dare I say an arc?). It'll be an interesting rewrite.

The blind thing doesn't seem to be working though. It was actually easier to write a girl who can't talk than it's been to write a guy who can't see. I'm still interested in the challenge, but I think I need a story that's more tailored to that quality and to start a character from scratch with the blindness in mind.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 44 - 45
 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006