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Feels Like Falling by Michelle O’Connell - Short, Drama - An elevator operator finds his simple job becoming much more complicated when he tries to talk one of his building's tenants out of an abusive relationship. 12 pages - pdf, format
Yeah this was pretty damn good. A few typos here and there but that's to be expected on challenges such as this.
I liked the way David got his comeuppance, creative way to do it... and it also brings new meaning to the title. Everything was clear and easy to picture, I'm not entirely sure what type of elevator it is though but that's hardly important... I could picture it all the same.
And like the user said before me, the phone was another creative device to show the passing of time.
Wow, I keep going to the bottom of the barrel to the scripts no one is reading...and I keep finding gold!
This is the 10th one I've read, and so far this is the maybe the most competent OWC I've participated in...and yet I already have a hunch this one might get my vote in the end.
This is excellent writing on display. Might be in some ways the best OWC I've ever read, and I've been involved in them since 2011.
Nothing supernatural here. Just good storytelling.
Most OWC's have characters we could care less about. Even the very good ones. This story creates two characters that we care VERY much about. It manages to create emotional reaction, and I can't remember the last OWC I read that achieved that.
While it's somewhat predictable, it's pulled off so effectively that this predictability is not a flaw. The dialogue is very well done, the characters feel real.
suggestions to improve:
one: do you need all the date references? That seems to be an unnecessary distraction to the story. There are better ways to show progression of time. And we don't need to see what Marcus is doing on his iphone.
two: you might consider adding an element of growth to the character of Marcus. For example, maybe we see that he normally doesn't get involved in peoples business, which is kind of the nature of the elevator operator. I mean he might be friendly but distant. Or it could be something else. Maybe there's a scene where he is intimidated by David so it will really require some courage on his part. Or maybe he's even a retired cop so he has to overcome his blue loyalty to give David justice. Something that shows growth
The image of David falling to his death matches up in perfect irony with the earlier story of freedom told by Marcus. Well done! I'm just wondering if there is a way to show this final act of courage by Marcus as also showing some kind of growth and or change in him.
But then...it's also just fine the way it is! Great work!
Oh, yeah, the title does suck, sorry to say. The only thing that really needs to change. Think about all the things a title needs to do, and this one does none of them. That's probably why it has started out with so few reads.
ADDITIONAL NEXT DAY SUGGESTION: when we finally meet the cop husband killer, he's waaaay over the top evil. I mean he's not even careful about what he says. It's an easy thing to change...and it HAS to be changed. We always have to make characters act as they really would. This guy just killed his wife and unborn child in a drunken rage. He's a cop. He's trying to cover it up. He's going to be very careful with what he says. And we don't need to see him as over the top! We know he did it! Marcus knows it too. And if there is some doubt with Marcus...even better! Creates more tension. I suggest maybe introducing this cop earlier, before the killing, and he's a dick...not friendly to Marcus at all. After the killing he's MORE friendly to Marcus. Which is kind of suspicious. Give your audience credit, they know the guy killed his wife, and they would know he's compensating now, trying to be smooth, trying to pretend he's crushed by her "suicide".
This is a very good OWC entry. I was so caught up in the fact that it's such a rare quality piece of work for a short that overlooked this mistake. It's an easy fix though.
The title reminded of a line from that Jeff Bridges film about a country singer. Called Crazy Heart. Had to look up the title. I'm far too honest for this internet business. I should be pretending how clever I am like everyone else. Sadly my heart's not in it.
I was hooked until page three. I realise time had passed, a few weeks in fact. But it still felt a little early for Marcus to say what he does. Maybe it'd work better on screen. And maybe I'm wrong. I hope so.
Have to say I quite admired the dialogue in this one. I was convinced by the black guy and the woman. It's hard to make such conversations seem completely credible. There's usually a line, or more usually a pile of them, that don't work. But this seems polished and plausible.
There's a few things in it I'd change. But then there's always a few things in any script I'd change. If I got hold of Marathon Man before they made it I'd have red ink all over it.
This is a good script. One of the best I've read in this OWC so far, and I've read quite a few. Fits the criteria and felt pretty original. Impressive.
This is excellent writing on display. Might be in some ways the best OWC I've ever read, and I've been involved in them since 2011.
Since 2011? And, you have only 17 posts? You're either reincarnated with a new user name or you've been a very slack reviewer with your previous OWCs?
Sorry, I couldn't help myself, your comments intrigued me. And no I didn't write this.
And, I haven't read this yet, but I will because of the ringing endorsement.
Onto the script review: I think I know who wrote this one...We shall see if I'm right when it's all over and done with.
All I can say is, wow! Subject matter - realistic - had me wondering which route Sophie was going to take - brilliant that you had her say UP, and I actually groaned and said NO! run as fast as you can. Terrific dialogue - each character has a unique voice - nice economical description/action lines -
and, I loved David...
SPOILERS:
taking a dive.
I think this last line is superfluous:
Yeah, I’m going to check now.
But that's a real nitpick and makes not difference overall.
Oh, and I love the title btw, fits perfectly. Some entries just take a while for people to get around to reviewing and I love that Don posts them all at once now.
This was good writing, but kinda bland for my tastes. Very sterile. Marcus is your run-of-the-mill nice guy who decides to set things right in his own way, except there was never a hint his own way could exist in his arc. So in the end, justice was served and readers are going to get onboard that.
I actually thought this was the best story I've read so far. I cared about the girl. I hated him. It told a complete story and it kept me involved in it.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
The writing is good and I liked the story. It was a little bland but think the writing fit the tone. You could cut a page or two with a rewrite but overall it's good. Good luck with this.
My Scripts: SHORTS Bed Bugs I Got The Shaft No Clowning Around Fool's Gold Five Days for Redemption
This is tied for first with one other of the ones I have read so far.
Great style - on the point dialogue - well developed characters.
I did see the ending coming 2/3rds through the story - it was quite predictable in that regard. However, in this case, predictable was good because it ended how it was supposed to.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr