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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Fabrini - OWC
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  Author    Fabrini - OWC  (currently 4065 views)
Stumpzian
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 8:38am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Dan.

Paul isn't his son. (He mentions his "late father.")

Miss Carlson's long-ago moments as a young girl dancing with the dashing young man (Fabrini, not wearing his elevator uniform) did not go beyond the dance floor. She and her mother left the next day, and life went on. She got married, had a child (Paul), and her husband eventually died.

I've known of Ida Lupino for years. I didn't realize how pretty she was as a young girl until I saw the movie Fabrini mentioned.

The conflict is inner conflict , so it's mostly implied. When Fabrini realizes Miss Carlson's memory involves him, he momentarily tightens his grip on the lever. He knows she does not recognize him. Should he tell her? Does he want to spoil her memory by revealing that the dashing young man was -- and is -- a mere elevator operator? By the end, he presumably is still thinking about it.

Henry



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DanC
Posted: June 10th, 2015, 2:03am Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Quoted from Stumpzian
Thanks, Dan.

Paul isn't his son. (He mentions his "late father.")

Miss Carlson's long-ago moments as a young girl dancing with the dashing young man (Fabrini, not wearing his elevator uniform) did not go beyond the dance floor. She and her mother left the next day, and life went on. She got married, had a child (Paul), and her husband eventually died.

I've known of Ida Lupino for years. I didn't realize how pretty she was as a young girl until I saw the movie Fabrini mentioned.

The conflict is inner conflict , so it's mostly implied. When Fabrini realizes Miss Carlson's memory involves him, he momentarily tightens his grip on the lever. He knows she does not recognize him. Should he tell her? Does he want to spoil her memory by revealing that the dashing young man was -- and is -- a mere elevator operator? By the end, he presumably is still thinking about it.

Henry


no No NO NO NO NO NO NO

That has to be his kid!!  So much more drama if it is his kid...

This is my story now, move out the way

Kidding

Seriously, the story would make so much more sense if they did the "deed" and the kid "thinks" his dad was dead, but, he wasn't.  

Say she stopped in, then he got sent to the war, so, she couldn't find him again, so, she gave up.  But, years later, she happens back.  

I actually thought she lied to her son about his dad being dead.  I guess that's why Fabrini didn't act more oddly b/c he knew they never had sex (though I bet he told his buddies he did back in the day, guy stuff and all)...

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Stumpzian
Posted: June 10th, 2015, 9:58am Report to Moderator
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Dan,
I could see the story going that way, but I like it as is -- an aging elevator man conflicted about spoiling a woman's special memory. I might add a bit to strengthen that part.
Thanks for the suggestions (and the enthusiasm). Henry.



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DanC
Posted: June 10th, 2015, 10:26am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Stumpzian
Dan,
I could see the story going that way, but I like it as is -- an aging elevator man conflicted about spoiling a woman's special memory. I might add a bit to strengthen that part.
Thanks for the suggestions (and the enthusiasm). Henry.


It's your story Henry and I respect that.  

Either way, it was certainly one of my favs in the entire "contest."  I really enjoyed it.  You created a nice little slice of life...

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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KPM
Posted: June 25th, 2015, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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Thoroughly enjoyed this story.
The original character Fabrini adds color, and is a perfect fit for a nostalgia theme.
Well done.  
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