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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Fabrini - OWC
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  Author    Fabrini - OWC  (currently 4063 views)
Dreamscale
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Not for me, I'm afraid.

Use hyphens, not commas in your Slugs.

I left on page 4, as it was literally 97% dialogue that went nowhere and involved 2 unnamed characters.  Be careful using he and she when you have multiple peeps and so little action.

Best of luck...seems like peeps enjoy it.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Max
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
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This was well crafted.

The dialogue was natural, believable, and Fabrini comes off like a true gentleman.

The dialogue did go somewhere in my opinion, it was building to a moment of reflection and the little details needed to be thrown out there in the conversation at the start.

Don't forget, this little tale was contained within 7 pages and you could probably go on journey with these characters after that.

This is a script which didn't need action, but it didn't suffer because of lack of it.

A heartwarming tale that I think deserves a little more credit.


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rendevous
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 8:40am Report to Moderator
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An unusual tale, and rather unexpected. As Reef said, like drinking a hot blanket and being hugged in chocolate as a labrador sets fire to the chimney. Something like that.

It's very well written. Dialogue heavy, but it works. I liked the characters. It's hard to craft dialogue and characters that well.

There's a lack of conflict, which is probably causing the lack of reads. But not all stories need so much conflict, and there's always a place for them.

I'd like to criticise and knock down the writer so I can drag them down here to my level. But I couldn't find anything. Damn you, my brain. You always let me down.

A rather good idea very well done.

R


Out Of Character - updated


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Green

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The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 10:13am Report to Moderator
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Dammit to hell! Here I was sat smugly drinking my cup of tea after reading twenty or so entries the other day and only one stood out that was good AND matched the criteria of the challenge. I thought this was going to be an easy OWC to choose the winner. Today I read quite a few that manage to do the whole bloody thing! And here’s another one! shakes fist in air at writer

I had no idea who the actors/actresses were your characters were talking about at the beginning but it didn’t matter, you dragged me into the conversation anyway. A lovely snuggly tale, with well- crafted dialogue. This does read more like a series of scenes from a bigger story rather than a single, self-contained story, but it still works remarkably well. I wasn’t quite sure it was clear enough who Fabrini was to Miss Carlson, as I had to ponder it for a few moments, but if I can work it out then I guess it is as clear as it needs to be.

I raise my hat to you sir, or madam.

-Mark


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LC
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 9:33am Report to Moderator
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What can I say that others haven't touched upon. Beautifully evoked era and tale. Characters brought to life wonderfully - terrific visuals, old world charm.

Nitpicks: She looks away for a moment, almost shyly.
I would have done away with the adverb 'almost' - I think this type of thing ends up on the page sometimes automatically, while writing, and doesn't get edited out when really it's clear 'almost' doesn't factor at all - she does turn away i.e., is probably blushes, or casts her eyes to the floor - you get the gist.

Perhaps it would be better also if Miss Carlson is just a little bit older.

Finally, the title of the script - Fabrini doesn't do justice to the story - perhaps if it were a feature length, hmm maybe, but as a 'short' I'd pick something a little more reflective of the tone and genre. Titles are important - at first glance it didn't entice me.

I did read other comments btw and just have to say there's plenty of conflict in this, far as I'm concerned - it was definitely heating up inside that elevator car and lots of emotions were running riot.

See, all nitpicks.

This'd be another I'd have given a 'recommend' to, if I were voting.

Your writing made it look effortless but I'm sure a lot of thought went into this.

Congrats on a heartwarming tale.


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nawazm11
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 2:58am Report to Moderator
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Some nice work here, set solely aboard an elevator which is nice to see. It's got a nice rhythm to it too, a great sense of nostalgia as well. I'm not sure I agree with having the scene at the start with the Man and Woman though, true, you need to get the exposition and set up out of the way but there's probably better methods to do this.

Stuck aboard an elevator, maybe not a lot you can do, but if you do decide to rewrite this, I'd rework the opening into something that's a little more engaging or visual. Besides that, a good effort.
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c m hall
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 11:09am Report to Moderator
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Fabrini brother does good!  I think the dialogue is beautifully written, mixing gossip, personal history (memory and desire).
This Fabrini needs all the hutzpah of his namesakes, inviting strangers into his world, manipulating them, holding their lives in his hands (as it were).  
He remembers Ida Lupino's beauty and her performance on film, so intense it inspired fear when he saw her in person.  It takes courage to be so open to emotion, and when Miss Carlson suggests a later encounter, we know that Fabrini's still got it.
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wonkavite
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 9:09pm Report to Moderator
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Okay.  I had to re-read this one to "get it."  But now I do.  It's simple, fast, nostalgic and sweet.  Kudos.  Nice job.  )
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: May 31st, 2015, 2:52am Report to Moderator
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Very engaging whoever wrote this. It's an organic piece, goes out on its own terms and invites everyone to think about it. Since this short doesn't overstay its welcome, the next thing for me to say is I wanted more. Not length, but some more story elements.

The writer takes the simple yet savvy approach, always appreciated.

I read this several times over - each time a breath of fresh air drawn from an oxygen mask. I just wanted to be ripped apart by the end, and still do. Great effort!






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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 1st, 2015, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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Fabrini

Uf. I don't think the nostalgic atmosphere is enough yet. The vibe was there but it went nowhere even though that might be your point here – to show Fabrini's daily routine of stories about past days. He lives in between all those stories, sure.

Another point: I haven't noticed anyone calling him Fabrini. So, I don't understand if the audience should guess here that Fabrini is a family name, his name. The concept of the title makes no sense that way, at least to me. Perhaps with a Name plate?



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Iancou
Posted: June 1st, 2015, 9:40pm Report to Moderator
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Nice story. I almost expected Paul to be his son from that one night encounter, but hey... that would probably have ruined the moment for many of the other reviewers. Maybe leave the audience seeing a birthmark or some other trait that Fabrini and Paul share.

Well done and nicely written. One of my top three.


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Dustin
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 7:43am Report to Moderator
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Nice work. My final recommend.

This is a prime example of the stuff I'd love to be able to write.


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Max
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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Well done Stumpy.


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Stumpzian
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks to all who read and commented on Fabrini. Felt really good to know so many liked it.

Some even gave the script a second read. Much appreciated, especially given how many there were.  Dustin said, "I sat here for a good few minutes after reading and replayed it in my mind." A writer couldn't ask for more.

Prussian Mosby: Thanks for pointing out that Fabrini is never called by name in the story. I'll fix it.
Jeff: Thanks for noting a slug error. Will fix that, too. (I don't agree that the man and woman on the elevator need names, though.)
Pia: Thanks for saying 66 is the new 25. I feel better already.

Henry



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DanC
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 12:00am Report to Moderator
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Henry,
     I thought this story was amazing.  I just wish you would have had a tiny bit of controversy in it.  Were you a fan of Ida?  How did you learn about her?

And by controversy, I mean he drops his keys and her son acts like a dick or something.  Even if nothing happens, just give the illusion.

That said, you crafted a very touching story.  So, is that his kid?  We deserve to know, right ;0

Dan


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