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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Fabrini - OWC
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  Author    Fabrini - OWC  (currently 4062 views)
Don
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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Fabrini by Henry Christner (stumpzian) writing as Ulysses Diello - Short, Drama - A hotel elevator operator in Washington, D.C., discovers an alignment of past and present. 7 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  June 17th, 2015, 5:35pm
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
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I don't normally go for dialogue heavy scripts,  but the dialogue in this is charming (as It's meant to be) and workd well.

Fabrini is set up well and well developed as a character. I did see where this was going, and it still worked... the only thing that's lacking for me is some element of conflict... it just kinda glides along, a little too gentle.

But I did like and the nostalgia played well.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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DS
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hi there, writer. My thoughts -- all completely subjective:

Hmm, I went into this one expecting sci-fi based on the logline. I managed to overlook the genre so where this was going was even more of a surprise to me. Very difficult to predict where it's heading and I think that's working for the script.

I felt that Fabrini's reminiscing of the past and how he held up conversations was well done and his character came through. I think the feel of the short came through remarkably in overall. The particular era nostalgia and the luxurious feel -- that's what I got from it at least.

Edit: I originally felt that this was a little too ambiguous about Fabrini and the woman's relationship, what happened, what is about to happen -- and the conclusiveness of the ending. Now I think that the ambiguous-ness is working and there are plenty of actual hints in the air and we're supposed to figure things out on our own and this is just a simple story about workers who have dedicated their lives to such hotels with the above mentioned nostalgia and luxury feeling. I guess I'll edit this post again if I do manage to figure out what my overall thoughts about this one are. :/ A lot to like here, though.

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DS  -  May 24th, 2015, 6:16pm
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 4:35am Report to Moderator
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I feel I've been wrapped in an old warm blanket. Then hugged some more...whilst drinking a hot chocolate.

Joking aside, that was a pleasant tale and not a bad basis. The memories of an old bellboy in a institution.

To make this fizz, you could have the bellboy retiring, no family - gave it all to the hotel  etc- and the implications being that the boy could be his.

Then, would be break some rules he has held so dear to try and find out, be involved etc tricky to pull of in just a lift, so after the challenge this may be one that could be kept to a hotel.

Anyway, those are a few thoughts.


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EWall433
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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The writing here is very good. Characters, dialogue, all very good. It feels well put together and complete in every way… until the FADE OUT.

The situation between Fabrini and Miss Carlson is set up well, and I understand (I think) that Fabrini feels it would be unprofessional to reveal who he really is to her. However, I also sense that she already knows who he is. When he says he’ll show her the ballroom later, there seems to be something underneath that statement. An ‘I know you know’ kind of deal. I suppose I can easily imagine them sneaking off to relive that moment, but in a way, I’m annoyed to have to imagine it.

I related to this a bit like Before Sunrise, where I could just lean back and listen to the characters talk about anything. I was intrigued and wanted a better feel for who they are. What is this ‘professionalism’ that Fabrini adheres to, possibly to his own detriment? What is Miss Carlson’s story that she romanticizes this night even to this day? As is, this felt like two Acts of a three Act story, with everything else to be determined in the ballroom later.

I understand you might want to maintain some ambiguity rather then wrap it up in a neat bow, but I think the characters at least deserve a scene where all the pretenses come off and they’re allowed to discuss themselves openly. I also think you could have both of those things at the same time. The funny thing about people is, no matter how well you think you know who they are, you never really know what they’ll do.
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stevemiles
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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A bitterweet, inoffensive little tale.  Pity it didn’t find a way to draw more from the characters -- felt like it was over just as it began and the space was there to take it further.  An extra dimension or angle could have given a touch more depth, make us feel that moment they once shared and what it means to them now.  

Some nice interplay between characters and naturally sounding dialogue.  A good idea, just left me wanting.  One to revisit without the challenge restrictions.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


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eldave1
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Well done for the most part. I could feel the nostalgia as I was reading and I thought the dialogue was spot on. The ending left me wanting a little bit. Just a little more development here would have been perfect - there were plenty of pages left (not that you need to fill them because they are there) .......

Okay - back - I just re-read it. Changed my mind. It's good just as it is. Sweet - nostalgic - romantic. Nice job.



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Dustin
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
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Excellent writing. Tender, subtle. Romance for old and young alike to appreciate. It took a while for this story to absorb too. I sat here for a good few minutes after reading and replayed it in my mind.

8 out of 10.


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DanC
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I thought it was good too.  

Only issue was no conflict.  It seemed to be a story to a larger idea.

And I wanted to know if that was his son.

I think it would have been nice if he took her there and she said she remembered him...

And to meet his son...

8.5/10

Would have been higher if you had a tiny bit of conflict.


Please read my scripts:
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Grandma Bear
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Not sure why this one hasn't got any more reads. It's well written, easy fast read and a nice story too.
As far as the conflict goes that some seem to have issues with, I disagree. In a super short like this, you can get away with not having much conflict. It's just a nice reminisce story. If it was longer, absolutely you need some, but not necessarily here. Although, you could have the son being a bit of a jerk and thinking his mother is being silly about this and him rather doing something else instead of being the nice guy that takes her there. Maybe he doesn't like this because it wasn't his father she wants to remember in the ballroom?

Anyway, good work!

PS: One nitpick, the mother is 66, but she comes almost across as old Rose in Titanic. A really old woman. Nowadays, 66 ain't that old. Lol! 66 is like the new 25!  


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DanC
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
Not sure why this one hasn't got any more reads. It's well written, easy fast read and a nice story too.
As far as the conflict goes that some seem to have issues with, I disagree. In a super short like this, you can get away with not having much conflict. It's just a nice reminisce story. If it was longer, absolutely you need some, but not necessarily here. Although, you could have the son being a bit of a jerk and thinking his mother is being silly about this and him rather doing something else instead of being the nice guy that takes her there. Maybe he doesn't like this because it wasn't his father she wants to remember in the ballroom?

Anyway, good work!

PS: One nitpick, the mother is 66, but she comes almost across as old Rose in Titanic. A really old woman. Nowadays, 66 ain't that old. Lol! 66 is like the new 25!  


I agree that she isn't that old.

When I meant conflict, I didn't mean like a bad guy or something big happening, but, a gun falling to the floor, a door that doesn't open, something.  Stormy weather.

Zombies invading outside.  Now, that'd be a twist no one would see coming

I just wanted to see something that would have worked.  Or, seriously, how about his own demons coming back knowing he MIGHT have a son?  Now, that's a realistic conflict that SHOULD be dealt with.  I mean, I'm assuming (I know, I know) that they ah, did the deed, and the kid might be his.  

At the very least, I just wanted to see some negative feeling, some tiny conflict to carry the interest.

And I also agree, this should have a lot more reads.  It was really good.


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Jeremiah Johnson
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Congrats on your entry.

I like how you started this in mid conversation.  Makes me want to know immediately what they are talking about.  Didn't really see any mistakes.  It's a slice of life tale, and I really liked it.  I'm assuming he was the one she's talking about, but maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe that's what you wanted us to think.  You left it open for interpretation.  I liked the dialogue and could get into the story.  Some won't like it because there really isn't anything to it, but I liked it because of that.  Maybe a quick flash to the dancing "back in the day" or something to add to the flavor. Other than that, liked it a lot.  Good luck with this.


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RichardR
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This is a nice little story.  I think you might make it better by having him remember not just Ida Lupino but the other girl too.  One line about meeting Ida's twin ten years later seals the deal between these two.  And if she said she left a phone number and he says he never got it...well.  star-crossed lovers always make for a heart warming tale.

Best
Richard
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JSimon
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A very subtle touch demonstrated by this writer. Sweet and sentimental. I think the low read number is possibly due to the title. But the writer has a deft sense of dialogue. There's no tension or conflict, so it's not likely to leave a long mark with the reader, but it's a testament to the sophisticated and tasteful hand of the writer.
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khamanna
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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Overall it was good, I liked it a lot - a simple tale well told and made me feel... different feelings and pity Fabrini and his love.

But.. I have a but! The introduction - a man and woman in an elevator with Fabrini - the first introductory scene serves the only purpose - to let us know that Ida Lupino is hi favorite actress. Surely we get acquianted with Fabrini as well but I'm not sure if you need all 4 pages for that. So that's my reservation.

But overall it was up my alley, neat little tale, heartwarming and sweet. And it made sad... Nice job!
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
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Not for me, I'm afraid.

Use hyphens, not commas in your Slugs.

I left on page 4, as it was literally 97% dialogue that went nowhere and involved 2 unnamed characters.  Be careful using he and she when you have multiple peeps and so little action.

Best of luck...seems like peeps enjoy it.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Max
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This was well crafted.

The dialogue was natural, believable, and Fabrini comes off like a true gentleman.

The dialogue did go somewhere in my opinion, it was building to a moment of reflection and the little details needed to be thrown out there in the conversation at the start.

Don't forget, this little tale was contained within 7 pages and you could probably go on journey with these characters after that.

This is a script which didn't need action, but it didn't suffer because of lack of it.

A heartwarming tale that I think deserves a little more credit.


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rendevous
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 8:40am Report to Moderator
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An unusual tale, and rather unexpected. As Reef said, like drinking a hot blanket and being hugged in chocolate as a labrador sets fire to the chimney. Something like that.

It's very well written. Dialogue heavy, but it works. I liked the characters. It's hard to craft dialogue and characters that well.

There's a lack of conflict, which is probably causing the lack of reads. But not all stories need so much conflict, and there's always a place for them.

I'd like to criticise and knock down the writer so I can drag them down here to my level. But I couldn't find anything. Damn you, my brain. You always let me down.

A rather good idea very well done.

R


Out Of Character - updated


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The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

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MarkRenshaw
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Dammit to hell! Here I was sat smugly drinking my cup of tea after reading twenty or so entries the other day and only one stood out that was good AND matched the criteria of the challenge. I thought this was going to be an easy OWC to choose the winner. Today I read quite a few that manage to do the whole bloody thing! And here’s another one! shakes fist in air at writer

I had no idea who the actors/actresses were your characters were talking about at the beginning but it didn’t matter, you dragged me into the conversation anyway. A lovely snuggly tale, with well- crafted dialogue. This does read more like a series of scenes from a bigger story rather than a single, self-contained story, but it still works remarkably well. I wasn’t quite sure it was clear enough who Fabrini was to Miss Carlson, as I had to ponder it for a few moments, but if I can work it out then I guess it is as clear as it needs to be.

I raise my hat to you sir, or madam.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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LC
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What can I say that others haven't touched upon. Beautifully evoked era and tale. Characters brought to life wonderfully - terrific visuals, old world charm.

Nitpicks: She looks away for a moment, almost shyly.
I would have done away with the adverb 'almost' - I think this type of thing ends up on the page sometimes automatically, while writing, and doesn't get edited out when really it's clear 'almost' doesn't factor at all - she does turn away i.e., is probably blushes, or casts her eyes to the floor - you get the gist.

Perhaps it would be better also if Miss Carlson is just a little bit older.

Finally, the title of the script - Fabrini doesn't do justice to the story - perhaps if it were a feature length, hmm maybe, but as a 'short' I'd pick something a little more reflective of the tone and genre. Titles are important - at first glance it didn't entice me.

I did read other comments btw and just have to say there's plenty of conflict in this, far as I'm concerned - it was definitely heating up inside that elevator car and lots of emotions were running riot.

See, all nitpicks.

This'd be another I'd have given a 'recommend' to, if I were voting.

Your writing made it look effortless but I'm sure a lot of thought went into this.

Congrats on a heartwarming tale.


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nawazm11
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Some nice work here, set solely aboard an elevator which is nice to see. It's got a nice rhythm to it too, a great sense of nostalgia as well. I'm not sure I agree with having the scene at the start with the Man and Woman though, true, you need to get the exposition and set up out of the way but there's probably better methods to do this.

Stuck aboard an elevator, maybe not a lot you can do, but if you do decide to rewrite this, I'd rework the opening into something that's a little more engaging or visual. Besides that, a good effort.
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c m hall
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Fabrini brother does good!  I think the dialogue is beautifully written, mixing gossip, personal history (memory and desire).
This Fabrini needs all the hutzpah of his namesakes, inviting strangers into his world, manipulating them, holding their lives in his hands (as it were).  
He remembers Ida Lupino's beauty and her performance on film, so intense it inspired fear when he saw her in person.  It takes courage to be so open to emotion, and when Miss Carlson suggests a later encounter, we know that Fabrini's still got it.
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wonkavite
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 9:09pm Report to Moderator
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Okay.  I had to re-read this one to "get it."  But now I do.  It's simple, fast, nostalgic and sweet.  Kudos.  Nice job.  )
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
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Very engaging whoever wrote this. It's an organic piece, goes out on its own terms and invites everyone to think about it. Since this short doesn't overstay its welcome, the next thing for me to say is I wanted more. Not length, but some more story elements.

The writer takes the simple yet savvy approach, always appreciated.

I read this several times over - each time a breath of fresh air drawn from an oxygen mask. I just wanted to be ripped apart by the end, and still do. Great effort!






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PrussianMosby
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Fabrini

Uf. I don't think the nostalgic atmosphere is enough yet. The vibe was there but it went nowhere even though that might be your point here – to show Fabrini's daily routine of stories about past days. He lives in between all those stories, sure.

Another point: I haven't noticed anyone calling him Fabrini. So, I don't understand if the audience should guess here that Fabrini is a family name, his name. The concept of the title makes no sense that way, at least to me. Perhaps with a Name plate?



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Iancou
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Nice story. I almost expected Paul to be his son from that one night encounter, but hey... that would probably have ruined the moment for many of the other reviewers. Maybe leave the audience seeing a birthmark or some other trait that Fabrini and Paul share.

Well done and nicely written. One of my top three.


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Dustin
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 7:43am Report to Moderator
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Nice work. My final recommend.

This is a prime example of the stuff I'd love to be able to write.


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Max
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Well done Stumpy.


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Stumpzian
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Thanks to all who read and commented on Fabrini. Felt really good to know so many liked it.

Some even gave the script a second read. Much appreciated, especially given how many there were.  Dustin said, "I sat here for a good few minutes after reading and replayed it in my mind." A writer couldn't ask for more.

Prussian Mosby: Thanks for pointing out that Fabrini is never called by name in the story. I'll fix it.
Jeff: Thanks for noting a slug error. Will fix that, too. (I don't agree that the man and woman on the elevator need names, though.)
Pia: Thanks for saying 66 is the new 25. I feel better already.

Henry



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DanC
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 12:00am Report to Moderator
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Henry,
     I thought this story was amazing.  I just wish you would have had a tiny bit of controversy in it.  Were you a fan of Ida?  How did you learn about her?

And by controversy, I mean he drops his keys and her son acts like a dick or something.  Even if nothing happens, just give the illusion.

That said, you crafted a very touching story.  So, is that his kid?  We deserve to know, right ;0

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Stumpzian
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Thanks, Dan.

Paul isn't his son. (He mentions his "late father.")

Miss Carlson's long-ago moments as a young girl dancing with the dashing young man (Fabrini, not wearing his elevator uniform) did not go beyond the dance floor. She and her mother left the next day, and life went on. She got married, had a child (Paul), and her husband eventually died.

I've known of Ida Lupino for years. I didn't realize how pretty she was as a young girl until I saw the movie Fabrini mentioned.

The conflict is inner conflict , so it's mostly implied. When Fabrini realizes Miss Carlson's memory involves him, he momentarily tightens his grip on the lever. He knows she does not recognize him. Should he tell her? Does he want to spoil her memory by revealing that the dashing young man was -- and is -- a mere elevator operator? By the end, he presumably is still thinking about it.

Henry



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DanC
Posted: June 10th, 2015, 2:03am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Stumpzian
Thanks, Dan.

Paul isn't his son. (He mentions his "late father.")

Miss Carlson's long-ago moments as a young girl dancing with the dashing young man (Fabrini, not wearing his elevator uniform) did not go beyond the dance floor. She and her mother left the next day, and life went on. She got married, had a child (Paul), and her husband eventually died.

I've known of Ida Lupino for years. I didn't realize how pretty she was as a young girl until I saw the movie Fabrini mentioned.

The conflict is inner conflict , so it's mostly implied. When Fabrini realizes Miss Carlson's memory involves him, he momentarily tightens his grip on the lever. He knows she does not recognize him. Should he tell her? Does he want to spoil her memory by revealing that the dashing young man was -- and is -- a mere elevator operator? By the end, he presumably is still thinking about it.

Henry


no No NO NO NO NO NO NO

That has to be his kid!!  So much more drama if it is his kid...

This is my story now, move out the way

Kidding

Seriously, the story would make so much more sense if they did the "deed" and the kid "thinks" his dad was dead, but, he wasn't.  

Say she stopped in, then he got sent to the war, so, she couldn't find him again, so, she gave up.  But, years later, she happens back.  

I actually thought she lied to her son about his dad being dead.  I guess that's why Fabrini didn't act more oddly b/c he knew they never had sex (though I bet he told his buddies he did back in the day, guy stuff and all)...

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Stumpzian
Posted: June 10th, 2015, 9:58am Report to Moderator
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Dan,
I could see the story going that way, but I like it as is -- an aging elevator man conflicted about spoiling a woman's special memory. I might add a bit to strengthen that part.
Thanks for the suggestions (and the enthusiasm). Henry.



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DanC
Posted: June 10th, 2015, 10:26am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Stumpzian
Dan,
I could see the story going that way, but I like it as is -- an aging elevator man conflicted about spoiling a woman's special memory. I might add a bit to strengthen that part.
Thanks for the suggestions (and the enthusiasm). Henry.


It's your story Henry and I respect that.  

Either way, it was certainly one of my favs in the entire "contest."  I really enjoyed it.  You created a nice little slice of life...

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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KPM
Posted: June 25th, 2015, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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Thoroughly enjoyed this story.
The original character Fabrini adds color, and is a perfect fit for a nostalgia theme.
Well done.  
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