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The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Well, production definitely wasn't supposed to be the idea here. Plenty of action, blood and movie references, but that's all I really got from it. If there was a point here other than filling it up with established characters and their punchlines, I didn't get it. Even if I didn't get what's supposed to hold this together, I can't say I found any of the characters or the references/their catch phrases funny even separately. Sorry, this didn't work for me. My recommendation is giving a lot of thought as to what the story here is supposed to be as it doesn't seem apparent. Even a parody needs one to work.
This one was difficult to read too. The sentences felt weirdly thrown together, some having weird phrasing that weren't understandable even after reading them over multiple times. There were also commas in places where they were incorrect and distracting, plenty were before "and" for example.
Like this sentence:
He drops his gaze, then looks up to the ceiling chewing his gum, and faces Spidey right next to him:
The phrasing there seems weird, the last comma is off, the part after the last comma is difficult to understand.
Another sentence I didn't get here for example:
the kid gives a bit place to him.
For example -- to change some sentences up I'd try:
He nods to a GUARD who sits on a plastic chair reading a journal.
He nods to a GUARD sitting on a plastic chair reading a journal.
a TERMINATOR (40s) of a man with sunglasses and a too short leather jacket who holds a pump gun over his shoulder FIRING back into the
THE TERMINATOR (40s), sporting sunglasses and an ill-fitting leather jacket, fires the pump gun over his shoulder into the
ETHAN HUNT, black shirt, short-haired, with a headset, hangs down like a bat, staring at all those scared Policemen.
ETHAN HUNT, a short-haired man in a black shirt and a headset, hangs like a bat staring down at the scared policemen.
Seems very thrown together with some awkward writing that struggled to convey the action. I’d suggest getting hold of the T2 script and looking at how they convey the action onto the page -- it's here on SS. That said, it did kind of remind me of a Sky Movies advert (commercial) -- could see something like this working in that medium -- though for the challenge, it’s a miss for me.
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I’m really not sure what to make of this, and like Steven, I‘m inclined to believe this writer is green(er) than most here. That being said, I wish I could offer up some (other) credible advice for your future endeavors.
It seems you like action movies, hence all the references, and I also get the sense that this is an X-Men spinoff/parody and therefore needs to appease a large (age) target audience, so it works well on that level.
If I had to offer one important piece of info here, is to make sure that the kid playing Spidey wears his wool underwear on the outside of his tights. ALL superhero’s wear their underwear on the outside of their tights… it makes them look way cool, and threatening.
I think I knew what you were getting at, but the script didn't really add up to everything it was trying so hard for. Not enough emotional impact, not enough of a back bone to actually have any effect on the reader. I think the premise is good, despite lacking originality, but I think with a few more pages and setup, this could be cool. Reminded me a little of Walter Mitty.
I think we were getting somewhere until Ethan Hunt showed up. You set things up to have a Clavin and Hobbs type of kid and then dad shows up and we get it. Then you confuse this reality with inserting Ethan Hunt.