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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Elevator Parody - OWC
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  Author    Elevator Parody - OWC  (currently 2333 views)
Stumpzian
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hats off to the writer for giving it a shot and putting his work out there. Sounds as if he had a good time writing it, and that sense of fun comes through.



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Max
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
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I had a really hard time with this script, I thought it turned into a bit of mess halfway through.

I get what you were trying to do, you wanted to put all these awesome characters together: Spiderman, Terminator, John McClane, Ethan Hunt...

...but it didn't quite come together, at least not for me. If there was more of a direct plot I'd be more inclined to give it praise but it all seemed like a random sequence of events with no connection to anything.

Another story, which perhaps, could've been set outside an elevator and had more success.


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Iancou
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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Can't add much more than previous comments. A few awkward phrases suggest English is not the writer's first language. If so, kudos for writing one in a foreign language.


Quoted Text
... even though it varies from the original due to all those sewing cottons and wool textiles manufactured.



Quoted Text
...chewing his gum, and faces Spidey right next to him:



Quoted Text
... soon both halves finish more and more to depart...


If not the case, I recommend consulting a good grammar text.

Can't recommend this due to number of basic mistakes, much less the problems with the story itself.


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wonkavite
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 9:46pm Report to Moderator
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For me, this one was far too over-the-top and outlandish to work.  Some of the writing came across as clunky, IMO.  (As another reader mentioned earlier - "the kid gives a bit place to him"?)  Also, how old is this kid supposed to be?  He's only four foot - which implies very young - and he's commenting that the costume rides up in the crotch?

As for the overall story... it was too crazy to hold my interest.  I give you points for throwing in everything except (and maybe including) the kitchen sink.  But this one... just not for me.  

Still... lots of creativity here.  And that certainly counts for something!  
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SteveClark
Posted: May 31st, 2015, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

I thought the elevator hatch was gonna reveal the faceless Hannibal Lector victim from Silence Of The Lambs.

Anyway, nice try here but I don't think you got it quite right regarding your formatting and, to a lesser degree, your story. I take it your new to this, it maybe not. But this does read like you're in the early stages of screenwriting. Brush up on your format, read some scripts around here, and some pro scripts and you'll get the hang of it, I'm sure.

The story was cute, but it didn't have teeth. As one commenter said, you gave us the reveal but then kept going. And who Ethan Hunt is is totally beyond me. I'm guessing its an age thing with me. Not your fault there. Best of luck in the future, friend.

Steve


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