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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Elevator Parody - OWC
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  Author    Elevator Parody - OWC  (currently 2332 views)
Don
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:31pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Elevator Parody by 0 - Short, Action, Comedy, Parody - Spidey Kid kicks ass in a world full of blockbuster characters. 7 pages - pdf, format


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Dustin
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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I find the jokes regarding the costume extremely stale.

I think you'll agree that it's a little bit crazy and all over the place. This is another story that I feel lacks any genuine direction and instead meanders about searching for one.

4 out of 10.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry but this was a difficult read due to the sucession of errors, typos, grammer issues etc...

But I did stay for the end, and I know it's a parody, but for me it didn't work as it wasn't funny enough.

You did at least try something different, I applaud you for that.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 4:25am Report to Moderator
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A young spideyin a lift with various killers and villains etc

Not a bad set up. Alas it does meander and the focus seems to drift. The cliched lines from others can work, if set up properly. This needed a few tweaks to deliver on these.

One option would be to play on the fact the boy has skills but doesn't know how to use them. Eg fires off a web when he sees a young hot girl.!!

Cheers


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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DS
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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Well, production definitely wasn't supposed to be the idea here. Plenty of action, blood and movie references, but that's all I really got from it. If there was a point here other than filling it up with established characters and their punchlines, I didn't get it. Even if I didn't get what's supposed to hold this together, I can't say I found any of the characters or the references/their catch phrases funny even separately. Sorry, this didn't work for me. My recommendation is giving a lot of thought as to what the story here is supposed to be as it doesn't seem apparent. Even a parody needs one to work.

This one was difficult to read too. The sentences felt weirdly thrown together, some having weird phrasing that weren't understandable even after reading them over multiple times. There were also commas in places where they were incorrect and distracting, plenty were before "and" for example.

Like this sentence:


Quoted Text
He drops his gaze, then looks up to the ceiling chewing his
gum, and faces Spidey right next to him:


The phrasing there seems weird, the last comma is off, the part after the last comma is difficult to understand.

Another sentence I didn't get here for example:


Quoted Text
the kid gives a bit place to him.


For example -- to change some sentences up I'd try:


Quoted Text
He nods to a GUARD who sits on a
plastic chair reading a journal.


He nods to a GUARD sitting on a plastic chair reading a journal.


Quoted Text
a TERMINATOR (40s) of a man with sunglasses and a too short
leather jacket who holds a pump gun over his shoulder FIRING
back into the

HALLWAY


THE TERMINATOR (40s), sporting sunglasses and an ill-fitting leather jacket, fires the pump gun over his shoulder into the

HALLWAY



Quoted Text
ETHAN HUNT, black shirt, short-haired, with a headset, hangs
down like a bat, staring at all those scared Policemen.


ETHAN HUNT, a short-haired man in a black shirt and a headset, hangs like a bat staring down at the scared policemen.


Hope this helps. Good luck.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmm...

There was an elevator all right, but the budget was definitely not low to no budget. Also, kids usually add to the budget unless the producer/director are going to use his own kid.

I thought all the references to other movies didn't quite work.

I found myself wanting to skip while reading. I didn't, but that's not a good sign.

Not sure what to offer up for suggestions to improve. Maybe Reef's suggestion is the best. Have the boy have some real super powers. He just doesn't know about them yet.




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Dreamscale
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 9:31pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Ok...

Not for me at all.  Writing is extremely awkward throughout.  Nothing was remotely humorous to me.

Gone by page 3 and shaking my head.  Sorry, but IMO, this was a very poor effort.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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DanC
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 1:50am Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Sorry
     It didn't work for me.  First off, all these things cost money, Spidey, Terminator, Die Hard, Hawke etc

Then, all these stunts cost even more cash.  You'd be well over 100K right away...

The characters didn't act other then their stereotypes.

Sorry.  I didn't find it funny either.

4/10


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 6:26am Report to Moderator
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Badly written, very high budget but fun.

Lots of mistakes, you even have the business man's dialogue and Spidey's mixed up at one point. The devil is in the detail.

So this doesn't work for me but well done on entering this challenging competition.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK

Revision History (1 edits)
MarkRenshaw  -  May 28th, 2015, 10:20am
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stevemiles
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 6:52am Report to Moderator
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A younger writer perhaps?

Seems very thrown together with some awkward writing that struggled to convey the action.  I’d suggest getting hold of the T2 script and looking at how they convey the action onto the page -- it's here on SS.  That said, it did kind of remind me of a Sky Movies advert (commercial) -- could see something like this working in that medium -- though for the challenge, it’s a miss for me.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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RichardR
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 9:08am Report to Moderator
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Not really original here.  The characters are stock from other movies, and their dialogue is well known cliche.  Doesn't work as parody for me as all these people do what they've done before.  

Best
Richard
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SteveDiablo
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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A four foot SPIDERMAN KIDDY rides downwards.
I'm lost with this description... Oh, got it. The lift is moving downwards... just read a bit strange.

Not my thing, waay too over the top and not remotely low budget. I'm out on page 3.
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Gum
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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I’m really not sure what to make of this, and like Steven, I‘m inclined to believe this writer is green(er) than most here. That being said, I wish I could offer up some (other) credible advice for your future endeavors.

It seems you like action movies, hence all the references, and I also get the sense that this is an X-Men spinoff/parody and therefore needs to appease a large (age) target audience, so it works well on that level.

If I had to offer one important piece of info here, is to make sure that the kid playing Spidey wears his wool underwear on the outside of his tights. ALL superhero’s wear their underwear on the outside of their tights… it makes them look way cool, and threatening.

Decent effort.


My scripts and templates: Obfuscation
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nawazm11
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 12:08am Report to Moderator
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I think I knew what you were getting at, but the script didn't really add up to everything it was trying so hard for. Not enough emotional impact, not enough of a back bone to actually have any effect on the reader. I think the premise is good, despite lacking originality, but I think with a few more pages and setup, this could be cool. Reminded me a little of Walter Mitty.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 7:05am Report to Moderator
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I think we were getting somewhere until Ethan Hunt showed up. You set things up to have a Clavin and Hobbs type of kid and then dad shows up and we get it. Then you confuse this reality with inserting Ethan Hunt.
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Stumpzian
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hats off to the writer for giving it a shot and putting his work out there. Sounds as if he had a good time writing it, and that sense of fun comes through.



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Max
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
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I had a really hard time with this script, I thought it turned into a bit of mess halfway through.

I get what you were trying to do, you wanted to put all these awesome characters together: Spiderman, Terminator, John McClane, Ethan Hunt...

...but it didn't quite come together, at least not for me. If there was more of a direct plot I'd be more inclined to give it praise but it all seemed like a random sequence of events with no connection to anything.

Another story, which perhaps, could've been set outside an elevator and had more success.


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Iancou
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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Can't add much more than previous comments. A few awkward phrases suggest English is not the writer's first language. If so, kudos for writing one in a foreign language.


Quoted Text
... even though it varies from the original due to all those sewing cottons and wool textiles manufactured.



Quoted Text
...chewing his gum, and faces Spidey right next to him:



Quoted Text
... soon both halves finish more and more to depart...


If not the case, I recommend consulting a good grammar text.

Can't recommend this due to number of basic mistakes, much less the problems with the story itself.


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wonkavite
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 9:46pm Report to Moderator
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For me, this one was far too over-the-top and outlandish to work.  Some of the writing came across as clunky, IMO.  (As another reader mentioned earlier - "the kid gives a bit place to him"?)  Also, how old is this kid supposed to be?  He's only four foot - which implies very young - and he's commenting that the costume rides up in the crotch?

As for the overall story... it was too crazy to hold my interest.  I give you points for throwing in everything except (and maybe including) the kitchen sink.  But this one... just not for me.  

Still... lots of creativity here.  And that certainly counts for something!  
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SteveClark
Posted: May 31st, 2015, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

I thought the elevator hatch was gonna reveal the faceless Hannibal Lector victim from Silence Of The Lambs.

Anyway, nice try here but I don't think you got it quite right regarding your formatting and, to a lesser degree, your story. I take it your new to this, it maybe not. But this does read like you're in the early stages of screenwriting. Brush up on your format, read some scripts around here, and some pro scripts and you'll get the hang of it, I'm sure.

The story was cute, but it didn't have teeth. As one commenter said, you gave us the reveal but then kept going. And who Ethan Hunt is is totally beyond me. I'm guessing its an age thing with me. Not your fault there. Best of luck in the future, friend.

Steve


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