SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
Welcome, Guest.
It is April 15th, 2021, 2:23pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion forum, please send me a message. There is no online registration. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship

Produced Script Database (Updated!)
The April Challenge has been updated/clarified


The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the and domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Elevator Parody - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Elevator Parody - OWC  (currently 2331 views)
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:31pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

Posts Per Day
Elevator Parody by 0 - Short, Action, Comedy, Parody - Spidey Kid kicks ass in a world full of blockbuster characters. 7 pages - pdf, format

Visit for what is new on the site.

SimplyScripts Masks can be purchased at:
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Site Private Message
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Action speaks louder...

Posts Per Day
I find the jokes regarding the costume extremely stale.

I think you'll agree that it's a little bit crazy and all over the place. This is another story that I feel lacks any genuine direction and instead meanders about searching for one.

4 out of 10.

Private Message Reply: 1 - 19
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Posts Per Day
Sorry but this was a difficult read due to the sucession of errors, typos, grammer issues etc...

But I did stay for the end, and I know it's a parody, but for me it didn't work as it wasn't funny enough.

You did at least try something different, I applaud you for that.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays -
Available Feature screenplays -
Screenwriting articles -
IMDB Link -
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 19
Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 4:25am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Part time writer

The Island of Jersey
Posts Per Day
A young spideyin a lift with various killers and villains etc

Not a bad set up. Alas it does meander and the focus seems to drift. The cliched lines from others can work, if set up properly. This needed a few tweaks to deliver on these.

One option would be to play on the fact the boy has skills but doesn't know how to use them. Eg fires off a web when he sees a young hot girl.!!


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link...
Private Message Reply: 3 - 19
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 12:06pm Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day
Well, production definitely wasn't supposed to be the idea here. Plenty of action, blood and movie references, but that's all I really got from it. If there was a point here other than filling it up with established characters and their punchlines, I didn't get it. Even if I didn't get what's supposed to hold this together, I can't say I found any of the characters or the references/their catch phrases funny even separately. Sorry, this didn't work for me. My recommendation is giving a lot of thought as to what the story here is supposed to be as it doesn't seem apparent. Even a parody needs one to work.

This one was difficult to read too. The sentences felt weirdly thrown together, some having weird phrasing that weren't understandable even after reading them over multiple times. There were also commas in places where they were incorrect and distracting, plenty were before "and" for example.

Like this sentence:

Quoted Text
He drops his gaze, then looks up to the ceiling chewing his
gum, and faces Spidey right next to him:

The phrasing there seems weird, the last comma is off, the part after the last comma is difficult to understand.

Another sentence I didn't get here for example:

Quoted Text
the kid gives a bit place to him.

For example -- to change some sentences up I'd try:

Quoted Text
He nods to a GUARD who sits on a
plastic chair reading a journal.

He nods to a GUARD sitting on a plastic chair reading a journal.

Quoted Text
a TERMINATOR (40s) of a man with sunglasses and a too short
leather jacket who holds a pump gun over his shoulder FIRING
back into the


THE TERMINATOR (40s), sporting sunglasses and an ill-fitting leather jacket, fires the pump gun over his shoulder into the


Quoted Text
ETHAN HUNT, black shirt, short-haired, with a headset, hangs
down like a bat, staring at all those scared Policemen.

ETHAN HUNT, a short-haired man in a black shirt and a headset, hangs like a bat staring down at the scared policemen.

Hope this helps. Good luck.
Private Message Reply: 4 - 19
Grandma Bear
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 9:20pm Report to Moderator

The Swamp...
Posts Per Day

There was an elevator all right, but the budget was definitely not low to no budget. Also, kids usually add to the budget unless the producer/director are going to use his own kid.

I thought all the references to other movies didn't quite work.

I found myself wanting to skip while reading. I didn't, but that's not a good sign.

Not sure what to offer up for suggestions to improve. Maybe Reef's suggestion is the best. Have the boy have some real super powers. He just doesn't know about them yet.

Private Message Reply: 5 - 19
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 9:31pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Yes, that is my real hair...

Cave Creek, AZ
Posts Per Day

Not for me at all.  Writing is extremely awkward throughout.  Nothing was remotely humorous to me.

Gone by page 3 and shaking my head.  Sorry, but IMO, this was a very poor effort.

To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Private Message Reply: 6 - 19
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 1:50am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Killing villains since 1980!

Buffalo NY
Posts Per Day
     It didn't work for me.  First off, all these things cost money, Spidey, Terminator, Die Hard, Hawke etc

Then, all these stunts cost even more cash.  You'd be well over 100K right away...

The characters didn't act other then their stereotypes.

Sorry.  I didn't find it funny either.


Please read my scripts:

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 19
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 6:26am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Posts Per Day
Badly written, very high budget but fun.

Lots of mistakes, you even have the business man's dialogue and Spidey's mixed up at one point. The devil is in the detail.

So this doesn't work for me but well done on entering this challenging competition.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK

Revision History (1 edits)
MarkRenshaw  -  May 28th, 2015, 10:20am
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 8 - 19
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 6:52am Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Posts Per Day
A younger writer perhaps?

Seems very thrown together with some awkward writing that struggled to convey the action.  I’d suggest getting hold of the T2 script and looking at how they convey the action onto the page -- it's here on SS.  That said, it did kind of remind me of a Sky Movies advert (commercial) -- could see something like this working in that medium -- though for the challenge, it’s a miss for me.

My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 19
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 9:08am Report to Moderator
Been Around

Posts Per Day
Not really original here.  The characters are stock from other movies, and their dialogue is well known cliche.  Doesn't work as parody for me as all these people do what they've done before.  

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 19
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 7:19pm Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day
A four foot SPIDERMAN KIDDY rides downwards.
I'm lost with this description... Oh, got it. The lift is moving downwards... just read a bit strange.

Not my thing, waay too over the top and not remotely low budget. I'm out on page 3.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 19
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
Been Around

Some travelling Circus...
Posts Per Day
I’m really not sure what to make of this, and like Steven, I‘m inclined to believe this writer is green(er) than most here. That being said, I wish I could offer up some (other) credible advice for your future endeavors.

It seems you like action movies, hence all the references, and I also get the sense that this is an X-Men spinoff/parody and therefore needs to appease a large (age) target audience, so it works well on that level.

If I had to offer one important piece of info here, is to make sure that the kid playing Spidey wears his wool underwear on the outside of his tights. ALL superhero’s wear their underwear on the outside of their tights… it makes them look way cool, and threatening.

Decent effort.

My scripts and templates: Obfuscation
Private Message Reply: 12 - 19
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 12:08am Report to Moderator
Been Around

Posts Per Day
I think I knew what you were getting at, but the script didn't really add up to everything it was trying so hard for. Not enough emotional impact, not enough of a back bone to actually have any effect on the reader. I think the premise is good, despite lacking originality, but I think with a few more pages and setup, this could be cool. Reminded me a little of Walter Mitty.
Private Message Reply: 13 - 19
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 7:05am Report to Moderator
Been Around

You know what a saguaro is?
Posts Per Day
I think we were getting somewhere until Ethan Hunt showed up. You set things up to have a Clavin and Hobbs type of kid and then dad shows up and we get it. Then you confuse this reality with inserting Ethan Hunt.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 19
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on

Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006