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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2020 Challenge  ›  Virus-99 - May OWC Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    Virus-99 - May OWC  (currently 355 views)
Don
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 10:37am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Virus-99 by Magic Marker Eyes - Short, Horror - The quarantine for a deadly virus is over, but the trouble has just started for a man keeping his bizarre family on permanent lockdown.  6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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eldave1
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
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Didnít see any reason to have Ericaís dialogue O.S Ė it added nothing really. I would just do it straight up.

Iím confused here:


Quoted Text
ERICA
We're coming over there now to show you. Get you outta there...
She was introíd in the opening so she is there. She is O.S for most of the dialogue Ė but now Ė she is coming over there. I got lost. Isnít she there?


Other than the confusion early on re: Erica's whereabouts, the writing is real fine.

I liked this one. Nice job.  


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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spesh2k
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
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This was interesting, albeit a little rushed at the end... which is understandable given that there was a 6 page limit. I think the Apollo 13 story drags just a little bit... I'd maybe cut a 1/3rd of that part out. After the phone call, I'd cut to the kitchen mid-conversation as he's in the middle of that story.

The writer does a good job of making us believe that this man may be very mentally ill... and then the ending, ala "Frailty" reveals that the crazy one was, indeed, telling the truth. At least about this, in particular.

Nice work, I enjoyed this one.

-- Michael


MY FEATURE FILMS:

THE SUICIDE THEORY (79% Rotten Tomato Score, Available on Amazon Prime, Itunes, Google Play, Youtube, etc) - https://youtu.be/5eaXXOKJvtg

RAGE (coming late 2020/early 2021) - https://vimeo.com/402447622

Check out my latest horror script, HONEY MUSTARD - https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-horror/m-1585433547/
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_ghostwriters
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
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I liked it.  Easy to read, visual, a bit of sleight of hand trickery with William there. No suggestions other than to scale back parts of the dialog.  It did seem to drag a bit.  Overall, I enjoyed this one.-A


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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khamanna
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 8:19pm Report to Moderator
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Lol, this is something.
I didn't understand the ending but I think it's better like that.
Overall, it's screaming fun. I wish there was no fire at the end, so someone could film it right away.
It could have been placed under a comedy too.
Really nice job!!
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 5:34am Report to Moderator
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Wasn't sure if he'd set himself on fire or what at the end but it was a good example of the craziness out there at the moment.

The Apollo story could be cut shorter to make this read smoother but apart from that, a good job and fits the criteria, although I wouldn't recommend anyone setting fire to things with a blowjob in their home.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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Meets the criteria and Should be easy to film

IMO it needs some work, but I like it. I rather like the manís gone insane and their will be consequences.

It seems to fit the idea that the world seems dangerous, risky, ominous etc That the menu lurks at the door and you canít trust anyone, anymore.

It could also work, like some scripts have done, over a period of time to show the decent and difficulties.

Best of luck


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
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Gary Howell
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
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This was certainly an interesting read.  Over the top paranoia -- or is it?  Still trying to figure out that ending and whether his sister was at the door, or if, as he claimed, was a deep fake.  But it appears that he got whatever was going around.  Just surprised it could kill him with instant exposure.

And one small nitpick -- Apollo 13 was 1970 rather than 1969, but otherwise it played pretty well into his paranoia.

Pretty well-written and enjoyed the twist at the end.  Best of luck with it.


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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ajr
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 12:22pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one... especially the twist where it's revealed that the conspiracy theorist is finally proved right.

I guess the part missing for me is the why - "what" is the conspiracy and why are they liquidating people after the pandemic is over?

Otherwise, well-done, I liked the twist, and I liked the banter about Apollo-13, especially when we of course find out that William is a no-moon-landing guy.

Well done!

AJR


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Arundel
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting one. Didn't quite get the ending. Why set fire to the pillow-case Danny? As a torch - for what? A weapon?

Writing was good. Especially action lines like this:

A door forced open. Muffled shouts.
Pleas. Cries. Crashing. Coughs. A scream...
Silence.
Footsteps. Slow. Unsteady.

Enjoyed that. Gets the job done.
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LC
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 10:40pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one a lot.

Great visuals that would film nicely, and self-contained location.

Danny? Is that an ode to The Shining?

I liked William confiscating Danny's toastie - nice bit of humour.

A couple of awkward descriptions: A low, sad sound grumbles from deep down. Sounds like he's got stomach problems.

The Apollo bit didn't drag so much for me, I was along for the ride, but I did find the ending a bit haphazard and a bit of an anticlimax. I'd work on that a bit in another draft. I'd also work a tiny bit on your opening dialogue too. I think in your effort to make things obscure re the virus it wasn't quite apparent, for me at least, what was going on to begin with. I actually jumped to the conclusion at first that they were lovers and she was saying 'it's over' between them. Perhaps if she were more soothing, slightly condescending to begin with - telling him, it's okay now, everything's okay.

Anyway, great job.


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Fais85
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 3:47am Report to Moderator
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Liked it!

The crziness, paranoia, conspiray and the pay-off, everything was set-up vey well. Any actor woud love to play William.

Well done, writer.
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JEStaats
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
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Loved it! Great dialogue and set-up. This would make a fantastic shoe-string short. Well done, writer!

I'm pretty sure I know who wrote this Nicely done. Not much else to say....
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Spqr
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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A pretty good slasher flick. In this case, the enforced isolation and conflicting stories and advice in the media are responsible for cracking a fragile mind, rather than abusive parents, school bullies, or an evil presence. However, it might be good if we had some inkling as to what his mental state was before the lockdown. Maybe meds for mental disorders in the medicine cabinet, or phone messages from his psychiatrist.
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PKCardinal
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
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For me this was 5.5 pages of spot on and .5 pages of didn't quite get there.

I'm kinda slow, so I'm not exactly clear what the ending is intending to say.

The breakdown started for me at:

       William takes the knife in one hand and the burning Danny dummy in the other and rushes toward the door.

       Before he goes, he plants a soft kiss on Wendy's cheek.

Why not turn that around, so the reader doesn't have to back up mentally? He plants a soft kiss on Wendy's cheek, takes the knife... etc. etc. -- just flip the order.

Honestly, I didn't like anything after that. But, I LOVED the first 5.5 pages.

I'm pretty sure I like the way you intend it to finish... I just didn't like the execution of it all. (Obviously many others did, so the problem could just be me.)

Still... an excellent script. "Long story short: They lived." Absolutely laughed out loud. What a great character.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
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