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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2020 Challenge  ›  Virus-99 - May OWC Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    Virus-99 - May OWC  (currently 356 views)
Dreamscale
Posted: May 20th, 2020, 10:48am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Not sure why you're using a double hyphen all the time.  Personally, it's a turnoff for me.

Erica is not "OS", she's "VO".  And then, she's neither?  HUH?  Maybe you just missed a few of these.  Hell I've done it myself in these challenges.

The "stuffed" family is a great idea, and could be a powerful visual, but your descriptions are poorly written.

The end.  Listen, I really like what you've come up with here, but it's foiled by your writing.  Your descriptions, IMO, are poorly written.  Stilted.  Way too many asides and the like.  Some may enjoy this and that's cool, but for me, the writing really brings this down.

But, hey, it's an OWC, right?  It's a rush to get something down on paper and maybe the writing issues were due to time constraints.  I have a feeling that's not the case, but I'm going to let it slide, as what you came up with is very, very strong.

Good job!

****





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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 20th, 2020, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this one was okay. I liked the idea of the stuffed dummy family members. I thought the Apollo13 story went on too long. Why? Because I think most people know that story and movie, so it was predictable and felt redundant. Maybe have William mess up the story somewhere so a reader/audience will react with a , hey that's not what happened! Something more than what is. I enjoyed Williams antics of the telling though. A bit rushed at the end, but good job still. Better than some, but not in my top five.


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Dreamscale
Posted: May 20th, 2020, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from Grandma Bear
...I thought the Apollo13 story went on too long. Why? Because I think most people know that story and movie, so it was predictable and felt redundant. Maybe have William mess up the story somewhere so a reader/audience will react with a , hey that's not what happened! Something more than what is.


YES!!  Brilliant idea, Pia.  That would really add to William's nutsoness!



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khamanna
Posted: May 23rd, 2020, 1:09pm Report to Moderator
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Just want to let you know that I keep rereading it in voices. I'm the main guy, not Erica. I even thought of the ending to be filmable. I have a really long corridor in my apartment and he would walk it forever. Like he stuck in it, but he's moving forward.
Too bad I'm lazy. And I'm not a filmmaker altho I did make a couple of movies in my life.
So, this one made me want to grab my camera again.
Great job I guess.
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LC
Posted: May 23rd, 2020, 10:48pm Report to Moderator
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Great job with this one, Rob!

Short horror is always popular with filmmakers and this'd make a great lil' film imho.
The stuffed dummies etc. Nicely macabre.


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Rob
Posted: May 24th, 2020, 8:09am Report to Moderator
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Thank you to all for the kind words and suggestions.

Any filmmaker who has some extra pillowcases or bed sheets could pull this one off, I think.
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