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The primary purpose of the SimplyScripts Discussion Board is the discussion of unproduced screenplays. If you are a producer or director lookng for your next project, the works here are available for option, purchase or production only if you receive permission from the author.
NOTE: these screenplays are NOT in the public domain and MAY NOT be used or reproduced for any purpose (including eductional purposes) without the expressedwrittenpermission of the author.
Not sure why you're using a double hyphen all the time. Personally, it's a turnoff for me.
Erica is not "OS", she's "VO". And then, she's neither? HUH? Maybe you just missed a few of these. Hell I've done it myself in these challenges.
The "stuffed" family is a great idea, and could be a powerful visual, but your descriptions are poorly written.
The end. Listen, I really like what you've come up with here, but it's foiled by your writing. Your descriptions, IMO, are poorly written. Stilted. Way too many asides and the like. Some may enjoy this and that's cool, but for me, the writing really brings this down.
But, hey, it's an OWC, right? It's a rush to get something down on paper and maybe the writing issues were due to time constraints. I have a feeling that's not the case, but I'm going to let it slide, as what you came up with is very, very strong.
I thought this one was okay. I liked the idea of the stuffed dummy family members. I thought the Apollo13 story went on too long. Why? Because I think most people know that story and movie, so it was predictable and felt redundant. Maybe have William mess up the story somewhere so a reader/audience will react with a , hey that's not what happened! Something more than what is. I enjoyed Williams antics of the telling though. A bit rushed at the end, but good job still. Better than some, but not in my top five.
...I thought the Apollo13 story went on too long. Why? Because I think most people know that story and movie, so it was predictable and felt redundant. Maybe have William mess up the story somewhere so a reader/audience will react with a , hey that's not what happened! Something more than what is.
YES!! Brilliant idea, Pia. That would really add to William's nutsoness!
Just want to let you know that I keep rereading it in voices. I'm the main guy, not Erica. I even thought of the ending to be filmable. I have a really long corridor in my apartment and he would walk it forever. Like he stuck in it, but he's moving forward. Too bad I'm lazy. And I'm not a filmmaker altho I did make a couple of movies in my life. So, this one made me want to grab my camera again. Great job I guess.
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