We'll Make It Through by ?- Short, Drama - A husband and wife deal with the effects of the pandemic as they go through a day at home. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

New writer here, I believe. Not much of a story and your logline is true to the mark: just another day at home.

A few takeaways for you:
- You have unnecessary direction that will take the reader away from the story. Leave direction, lighting, camera angles, etc. to the Director. You're just the writer.
- Very passive writing. Instead of 'drinking, watching, sitting, etc.', a man is seated on the sofa. He drinks a beer and watches TV.
- Read your dialogue aloud. Does it sound natural?
- Read as many entries as you can. You'll learn a lot.
- Prepare for some critical reviews.

Congrats on taking part in the OWC. We look forward to seeing you around.

Okay - I'm going to digest the hell out of your opening two scenes.

This:

Quoted Text EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY We see a nondescript ranch-style house in an equally nondescript suburban neighborhood on an unusually quiet spring afternoon. The only sounds we hear are the gentle wind blowing and birds chirping. As we DOLLY IN, a car enters frame from the left and pulls into the driveway.

Is very inefficient. It can be crispier by:

Eliminating all the we sees and camera directions - they are not needed and you kind of know that since there are used haphazardly. Sometimes you just write what is happening and sometimes you default to the we sees.

Use you header to save space/lines. Move "Ranchhouse to the header and then you don't need to repeat it.

Avoid stuff like non-descript - it really means nothing.

There is no need for ESTABLISHING. All you need is something like:

EXT. SUBURBAN RANCH STYLE HOUSE - DAY

Sunny and breezy. Quiet, other than the CHIRPING of birds.

A car pulls into the driveway.


Perhaps not that exactly - but the point is you can boil this down to two lines.

Apply an efficiency principle (convey as much as you can with as few words as you can) to your writing and you'll be better off.

The story itself is lacking. There is no oomph to it and it plays out like a scene in a larger story. The tricks to shorts is to write a story with a beginning, middle and end.

Hope this helps. Kudos on entering.

Well, I can't wait for Jeff to turn up for this one.

Look, this is not bad writing at all, if it were a novel.  But it's reading that way.  Way too wordy for a script.  Too much description.  You're telling us everything to the smallest detail, and it's really not that important that we know all that.

There's also not really a story here, at least not as it's currently situated. It's just them reassuring each other that everything's going to be okay.  Not really any conflict, no sense of urgency, no resolution to a problem.  That may be what everyday life is like in a pandemic, but it doesn't mean it makes for an interesting story.

Okay -- now that I've gotten that out of the way, let me just say that it's obvious you can write.  You have the chops for sure.  But use those chops to give us condensed writing that is colorful and to the point.  I think you can be very successful at it if you do.  Best of luck.

Hi

I guess you are probably aware of the difference between your submission and the others by now, well I f you’ve been reading. Which I highly recommend you do, both for format, but also structure. Even a short should, usually, have a start a middle and end.

This story is a gentle, warm tale, of a couple appreciating the difficulties they face, how they react differently, and that together they can reassure each other. It’s nice that it avoids the blame game and hysterics that some would go for.

But to keep us focused, it needs conflict and tension. This can be between them, or what they face, or both. Can they pull through. Does one of them behave differently? Etc etc

There are threads  on this Discussion board about scripting format which I would recommend.

A few other pointers;

Only describe what we can see, but quickly.

Characters are often defined by what they do, how they react or what they wear. Eg if the man was dressed in a short skirt, that would give us a different message to butt naked Use these to convey your story.

Avoid the ‘we see’ - you just need to describe the scene and action

Short scripts need a twist, a pay off. What couldn’t we see coming, or may have been in doubt.

If there is one thing for certain, a OWC tends to be a fast way to learn.

Best of luck

I like the small implications in this script--the man has taken up drinking and the woman worries about her mother in a nursing home. The characters reassure each other, but maybe they aren't truly convinced. The events are small-scale but there is something beneath the surface.

I think the first page can be sharpened with fewer words and directions. It's jam packed with verbiage right now.

We all feel like these characters right now.

Best of luck.

Okay, so I can tell that the writer is pretty new to this. Which is totally fine, you gotta start somewhere. I won't comment on the writing too much as I'm sure examples have been pointed out. It is overwritten, specifically the description. I'm not super against using "we see", but it is frowned upon. And you open with a "we see" and then continue to use it often throughout. We're seeing what you're describing, so it's kinda redundant and unnecessary. And your action blocks should be broken up -- I usually break them by focus of action.

The story itself was pretty mundane... nothing interesting really happens. Which is kinda what life is like right now, in general. But even on a boring day, this would still be considered pretty mundane. Taking a leak would be more memorable (if it were me).

My biggest issue, however, was the dialogue. It's very on the nose, pretty much just providing context -- we already know there's a pandemic and we know that grocery stores are running low on food, things are getting canceled, etc. And that's pretty much all they talk about. And the dialogue at the end mentions the title like 3 times in a row in dialogue. Sounds really forced.

Some specific bits of dialogue I had problems with...

Quoted Text WOMAN (exhausted) Absolutely crazy. I'm amazed I was able to find as much as I did. Hardly anyone was social distancing. Good thing I remembered to put my mask on. MAN There will always be people like that, pandemic or not. I don't understand it either.

What's he talking about? There will always be people who don't practice social distancing and, even if there wasn't a pandemic? I'm sure if there wasn't a pandemic, there wouldn't be social distancing.

Quoted Text MAN I swear, you make the best homemade chicken tenders I've ever had. WOMAN Considering that chicken was pretty much the only meat I could get, that's quite a statement.

Her response makes no sense. You're forcing in information to provide us with context. I don't understand how the fact that there was only chicken at the grocery store makes his compliment "quite the statement". He's telling her she makes he best homemade CHICKEN tenders he's ever had. If they were made with a vegan substitute w/ out him knowing, that'd be quite the statement.

Everything being said, it's still a nice effort at coming up with something on such short notice. Best of luck.

-- Michael

Hmm, there's an anonymity requirement. it's easier to judge entries this way.

Please ask the mods to take out your name from the main page as well
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-0520/m-1589645233/

I go through scripts by that page.

Anywho, a night of recollections which is good.
Camera directions should be lost perhaps.
And better give names to your characters I think. That shows your attachment to characters and makes us care for them a bit more.
I wish he didn't dump his mother in the nursing home. When did he do that? That part is unclear to me.
Otherwise this needs a bit of cleaning. Maybe you could pick that up from reading other scripts.
The passages are dense and a bit overwritten, too.
Story works though.

Hey, writer -

So I'm not going to comment on what's been said above, because it's all true. I'm going to say two things - one, I commend you for the spirit and the message of this script, which actually touched me more than any script I've read here yet, and I'm a fair ways through already. "We'll Make it Through."

The second thing I'll say is that everything you describe or show has to serve that theme. The part where they are in bed and they list all the things they've been through together? Perhaps lead with that. The other three pages were ordinary things that could happen on ordinary days. So you need to describe the EXTRAordinary. Zero in on their marriage. The guilt that the wife feels for putting her mom in the home. And their LOVE. Zero in on love in the time of COVID, and write the shit out of that. And you will have a good, filmable script.

Hope this helps -

AJR

Quoted from khamanna Hmm, there's an anonymity requirement. it's easier to judge entries this way. Please ask the mods to take out your name from the main page as well

The decision was to let it slide, but let others decide if they care to read or not.

Ok, not here to pile on.

A rule of thumb we try to adhere to: make your reader read down the page, not across.

Also, Khamanna made a great point.  Give them a name.

The main thing is this lacked conflict...but I kinda liked what you wrote so far because this has the potential to be a feel-good story WITH a genuine heart.

Ohh and welcome to the community.  Don't worry. A lot of new posters are subjected to this kind of baptism of fire. Think of it as a Frat Bros, or sorority -- pledge type thing. Take the few hefty buttock whackings and move on.

Great job on entering.-A

The sentiment of the script definitely shines through so I hope you'll stick with us.

Screenwriting is a whole different ballgame to other types of writing. At the moment you're making some rookie mistakes (we've all made them when starting out) which others have elaborated on so I won't join the throng.

A couple of SS links FYI:

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-cc/m-1124159895/

And, I recommend this:

How Not to Write a Screenplay: 101 Common Mistakes Most Screenwriters Make
Book by Denny Martin Flinn

Lots of helpful writers on SS. Pick their brains.  

This one is pretty naive.

Few problems sighted:

1) Too much camera directions. I have never read a script with DOLLY IN/DOLLY OUT directions in it. That's too specific. Better not to write the directions at all.

2) Blocky actions.

3) I don't know why the characters are referred to as MAN and WOMAN rather than proper names. It won't affect the story at all.

4) Dialogs seem to be pretty off-track with...

Quoted Text MAN You know, know matter how long this lasts, I want want you to know that we will make it through.

...typos as well.

5) Also, I don't understand the purpose/concept of the story. It's pretty ineffective.

But practice will make you perfect.

Good luck.

So, you have a strong theme. You know exactly what the point of your story is, and that's a great start.

Now, you have to ask yourself... what specific actions/story beats will highlight the need to convey this message? That is, you need to stress one of your characters to the point that another of your characters is COMPELLED to deliver your message.

As it sits, it's just a lovely message that her husband probably delivers to her every night. Which is nice, don't get me wrong. But, it's not enough to carry this story on its own.



I'm happy that you entered. It takes guts to do so. But, it takes even more guts to stick with things and apply the notes you've been given.

I hope that you'll take everyone's great advice and apply it. You'll make fast progress if you do. I'd particularly encourage you to fully incorporate ElDave's advice specifically. Apply what he showed you to every action block and watch your script come to life. I promise it works.

The husband drinks a beer. The wife brings home the groceries. Then they have dinner and commiserate with each other over the ordeal they're dealing with. While this couple is probably typical, it would have been stronger dramatically by going with an atypical couple.

Wooooo...

Oh boy...

So, let me just say that the very first second I looked at your script, I knew there were issues throughout, probably every single line...and there are.  because of this, I went back and read the feedback, and see that everyone has already given you excellent advice.

There's no need to point out every little mistake, so I'm going to just bring up a few things you should definitely take to heart.

ALWAYS left align FADE IN - we read from left to right.  Don't make this mistake to start out your scripts.

Personally, I wouldn't use Bolded Slugs until you really know how to write good Slugs.  When they're bolded, they obviously stand out, and you don't want to draw attention to them before you really know how to write them.

DO NOT go over 4 lines per passage...ever.  Just don't do it.  Any and every single time you have a passage over 4 lines, stop right there, and go over it until it's whittled down to 4 lines...or less.

ALWAYS name your characters.  Absolutely no reason not to, especially here, as you have 2 characters, 1 setting, and alot of dialogue.

Glad you entered.  Hope you read and comment.

*

Hey,

"We see a nondescript ranch-style house in an equally nondescript suburban neighborhood on an unusually quiet spring afternoon."

You okay?

p1 the writing's longer than the actions are worth it. My mind completely wandered off at some point…

Door this that, close open, groceries, bag, open, table…

The "easy and normal" couple-chemistry you create is actually good and could serve a lot of identification with your audience.

The concept they live in just didn't convince me.

All best

A new writer I think and I've nothing more to add that hasn't already been said.

Nice, sentiment to the script - read a few produced screenplays to see how it's normally written and read a few books then keep on writing.

Well done for entering,

Thanks everyone for the feedback/reviews. I didn't think I'd get this much feedback on my first script. I'd like to take a few moments to respond to some of it to explain the method behind the madness.

I've seen camera directions in many of the pro scripts I've read. Those also tend to have somewhat lengthy action descriptions. Here's an example from the script for the Star Trek pilot episode The Cage that has both:

Quoted Text MOVING WITH SPACESHIP - VARIOUS ANGLES Obviously not a primitive "rocket ship" but rather a true space vessel, suggesting unique arrangements and exciting capabilities. As CAMERA ZOOMS IN we first see tiny lettering "NCC 1701 - U.S.S. ENTERPRISE". Aiming for the surprise of the ship's actual dimensions, the lettering looms larger and larger until it fills the screen. Then, surpassing even the previous illusion of size, we see a tiny opening above the huge letters and realize this is actually a large observation port. CAMERA CONTINUES IN, MATCH DISSOLVING THROUGH OBSERVATION PORT TO REVEAL the bridge, command station of the U.S.S. Enterprise. And as we see Crewman at the controls inside, the gigantic scale of the vessel is finally apparent.

Also, notice the we sees?

I was trying to portray as accurately as possible what people are going through during the pandemic. That probably explains why there wasn't much of a story and why it fell flat. I went with MAN and WOMAN so that it would be more ambiguous, and also because neither of their names are mentioned in the dialogue. And yes, I'm not the best at writing dialogue at this point.

I bolded the scene headings as a stylistic choice. In scripts that don't bold them, at least for me, they blend in with the rest of the text and it's less obvious where the scene changes are. As for the FADE IN where it is, that's where the screenwriting program I use put it by default.

All the feedback has been extremely valuable to me and I'll make every effort to incorporate it into my next OWC script.

Hey CS,

Congratulations on entering and getting a script done in such a short amount of time. I enjoyed the sentiment behind this. It did touch me, so good job on that.

I think STAR TREK is the wrong example for a screenplay template. There was never a question about that getting filmed, and that's a prestigious for-hire assignment that goes to the very best working screenwriters out there, and, often times, it's the director writing it, or contributing to it. We play in a very different sandbox.

And I disagree with Jeff that you ALWAYS have to name your characters. Scripts are made to be seen, and dialogue is made to be said, not to be read. If the characters are never addressed, it only makes a difference to the reader if they are named, not the audience. The audience doesn't know the character is named Joe until someone says "hey, Joe."

AJR

Hey man, welcome to Simply Scripts!

In regards to the heavy description, I'll second AJR's advice and say that using a shooting script as a template is a bad idea for an unproduced, non-commissioned spec. You might have the most brilliant story ever but, if it isn't easy to read, especially for a busy producer or even for a production company's readers who slog through several screenplays a day, they'll never know how good the story is. Because, in all likelihood, if they sense that it's going to be a slog, they're not going to finish it... especially if they don't have to. That Star Trek sample feels like a shooting script written with the director's involvement. Also, science fiction scripts that need a lot of world building tend to be more detailed. Though, it's still a good idea to break up the action lines by change of focus, change of action in the order that we see the visuals/action.

I always suggest Rian Johnson screenplays to newer writers because they're so easy on the eyes and so clean, lean and crisp. Even in scripts where world-building is necessary (Looper for instance). A script should move at the pace of a film -- 1 page = 1 minute of screen time. And the read itself should move at a comparable pace. When you have heavy description like that, it looks like a word search you see in a Sunday newspaper. If I'm reading a script and it feels like I'm READING rather than SEEING a film, that's not a good thing.

As for the WE SEES -- I'm not totally against it, but just like repeating the same descriptive words too often during a script, it feels robotic and mechanical if I'm reading WE SEE too much. I feel like you're telling me what I'm seeing instead of me just seeing it on my own as I read -- which fucks with the way I visualize something in real time. It's already implied that we're seeing something when you describe it. Why give me more words to read? Not very economical. And, as nitpicky as it sounds, the WE SEES add up and effects the 1 page = 1 minute rule.

-- Michael

Quoted Text I think STAR TREK is the wrong example for a screenplay template. There was never a question about that getting filmed, and that's a prestigious for-hire assignment that goes to the very best working screenwriters out there, and, often times, it's the director writing it, or contributing to it. We play in a very different sandbox.

That script was actually written by Gene Roddenberry himself, but it does seem likely that the director was involved. Also, the point of a pilot episode is to sell a series to a network (in this case NBC), so the descriptions were probably written especially to serve that purpose.

Quoted Text You might have the most brilliant story ever but, if it isn't easy to read, especially for a busy producer or even for a production company's readers who slog through several screenplays a day, they'll never know how good the story is. Because, in all likelihood, if they sense that it's going to be a slog, they're not going to finish it... especially if they don't have to.

On that point, here is a bit of the (sadly) unproduced Batman vs. Superman script from 2002:

Quoted Text EXT. WAYNE MANOR -- GARDENS -- DAY Oaks of turning reds and oranges. European-style GARDENS, which today host more than 300 GUESTS. Many of GOTHAM'S elite POLITICIANS, BUSINESSPERSONS, and SOCIALITES are here. MINISTER'S VOICE ...to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony. On the flower-adorned ALTAR, a MINISTER stands between dashing BRUCE WAYNE and his stunning bride ELIZABETH. MINISTER Now I understand you have both chosen special rings... Elizabeth opens her hand, revealing a perfect gold band, edged by platinum, glinting in the bright sun. DRIFT LEFT to find the BEST MAN. Clark Kent, dapper in a tuxedo as hands fumble first in one pocket, then the next. A beat. Then Clark grins, winks, hands an antique diamond ring over to Bruce who is shaking his head, grinning back.

Would this be a better example than the Star Trek one? Camera directions also appear throughout that script. Many words are also capitalized for some reason. Thanks once again guys!

The writer is capitalizing characters, that may not have dialogue, so that the director knows to concentrate on them, and the line producer can capture them in the budget. They may be prominently shot, rather than being extras.

They are also capitalizing shots and sound effects, because again, this is a shooting script.

I would not use this as a template, either. Here is the trap that new screenwriters fall into - they see scripts like this that break "the rules" set forth by the Blake Snyders of the world. But the professional screenwriter already KNOWS the rules, and thus knows how to navigate around them in order to convey what they'd like to stamp in the director's or audience's head.

So in short, learn the rules. Then read tons of scripts. Indie scripts, mostly. And then your writing style will develop, as an amalgam of what you've learned and read.

Hope this helps.

AJR

This was a difficult lesson for me to learn... you can be right... and wrong, at the same time.

You're right, many scripts use "we see" and camera direction. You can find many, many examples. (Though, many ARE shooting scripts.)

But, you'd be wrong to write that style if you are an unknown writer and your goal is to appear professional and capable... and to get scripts read.

You will literally lose a LARGE percentage of professional readers on page one if you do it.

You just will.

Readers are very specific, and your goal is to 1. give them reason to keep reading, and 2. give them no reason to stop.

For many pros, "we see" and camera direction are deal killers. They'll literally stop reading at the first one. Right or wrong, it's just true.

So, you can die on the hill if you want... but, they won't care. They've got a pile of scripts to read even without yours.

Trust me. It's a silly thing to dig in on.

And, honestly, they really mess up the flow... so, it's a poor creative choice anyway.

Just my two cents. For what it's worth.

Good luck with the writing!

Quoted from ajr And I disagree with Jeff that you ALWAYS have to name your characters. Scripts are made to be seen, and dialogue is made to be said, not to be read. If the characters are never addressed, it only makes a difference to the reader if they are named, not the audience. The audience doesn't know the character is named Joe until someone says "hey, Joe." AJR

All very true, but let's also remember that scripts are read first...way before they are shot and turned into film.

When we read, we visualize.  We see it in our heads, based on the way it's written.  Same for dialogue.  We "hear" it in our heads, hopefully somewhat in the manor the character is supposed to be saying it.

We root for characters.  We fear characters.  We feel for characters.  When a character has no name, it makes it tough to do any of these things, because they don't come across as real.

There are tons and tons of very popular, successful movies, in which main characters don't have names - in the actual scripts, and even on film, but most are "different" types of movies, in which names may not even come into play.

What I said about "ALWAYS name your characters" is simply a rule of thumb.  It just helps the reader relate better to a character.

Quoted from Dreamscale What I said about "ALWAYS name your characters" is simply a rule of thumb.  It just helps the reader relate better to a character.

100% agree. Unless you are filming it yourself, anything you can do to make the reader feel connection to the script/character is a good thing.

Plus, it's not like it's a hard thing to do. Why not just take the extra bit of time?

Even more important if it's a script like this where you're going for an emotional pull.