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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2020 Challenge  ›  A Typical Date - May OWC Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    A Typical Date - May OWC  (currently 227 views)
Don
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Typical Date by Anonymous - Short, Drama - In a post-pandemic world where human touch is prohibited, two people attempt to pursue a romantic connection. - pdf format

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khamanna
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm, I wonder if they still do this date thing out there. Maybe in states other than NY when the restaurants reopened.
Anyway, you did tell a story. It has a beginning middle and end.
It's well written too.
A bit bland for my tastes. I think their convo may be more interesting. It didn't hold my attention and I had an urge to skim.
I liked the wrist band idea and how virus conscious they are. I wish it didn't end that way though. Anyway, I'm all for pushing you for more. I guess I wanted more.
Good effort.
And great for entering!
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_ghostwriters
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hm. There is something here. Cute little story.  As far as the dialogue's concerned,  you could work on punching it up.  I just thought some of it was a bit dull.  Or maybe It's just me, and I need a cup of coffee..lol.  

I wished for a happier ending, but it is what it is.  Best of luck. -A


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eldave1
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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FADE IN – should be left-justified.

You have spacing errors (i.e., extra spaces between words) throughout.

With all the time you spent on that dinner check – it left me wondering who actually picked it up?

Story-wise I kind of liked this. The humor was not LOL funny, but it gave me a grin.

The ending didn’t quite land for me. A bit of – nothing. I was expecting something I guess.

This is overall a solid effort.  But it needed some oomph at the end.


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LC
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 10:35pm Report to Moderator
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I really, really, enjoyed this, but...

I wish you'd gone the extra mile with a romantic punch-line and had them rebel, toss their wrist-bands aside and go in for the kiss. You could have had them at this point -

RON
Why don't we?

- appear to make the sensible decision and walk off into the sunset but then their passion gets the better of them and they run back into each other 's arms. There's your drama, there's your passion, and that's your big film moment!

Love triumphs. They'll take the risk.
Few tweaks and additions with a little more scintillating dialogue and a stronger attraction developing could add to this too, but a second draft can fix that.

Either way it's definitely making my list so far.

P.S. I think it should be called Proximity Alert.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 7:49am Report to Moderator
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Nice!

Meets the criteria and did you know they've invented this proximity alert thing already? But they are like smartwatch apps. I saw it on the news the other day.

I kind of just wish something more happened at the end, you know? It needs something to give this a bit more umph instead of just fading away but I liked it.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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ajr
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 10:34am Report to Moderator
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I think you did a nice job with this... definitely meets the criteria. I think the start of the piece though is the proximity alert, which is the new normal, and I think you did a great job in describing what hoops we may have to jump through in foreseeable future, and how.

6 pages is not a lot of opportunity to flesh out characters,however, since this is mostly dialogue, I think it could have been more meaty.

I kind of like the ending. I don't think you gave us a "love trumps all" scenario here because this is a first in-person date. I think it's totally on point that the guy would want to take risks, and the woman was level-headed.

AJR


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spesh2k
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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This was a good. The dialogue was cute, the characters had chemistry. Overall, pretty well written, though I'd break up that first action block.

I liked the idea of the proximity alert wrist bands but, if they were so concerned about keeping distance, why weren't they wearing masks? I get that they're eating and drinking wine, but why are they even out? Maybe I live in a bubble that is NYC, but there's nowhere you can really go to sit down in public, at least inside. Perhaps this is right before the mandatory lockdown? I remember going to the movies three days before it became mandatory and they could only sits 2 people per row. Anyway, I'm not sure how the quarantine thing worked in all state and countries, so I'm probably off base.

Also, why aren't they wearing masks after dinner, when they leave?

Back to the wrist bands... is this something made mandatory by the government? What happens if they just ignore it? Do they get a ticket? Arrested? What exactly are the consequences of ignoring the proximity bracelets?

Also, why didn't the waiter have one? He's gotta be pretty close to set down their food, right?

The ending was okay, a little bitter sweetness... though I'm sure they can still keep in contact via the internet and phone. I would've liked to see more of a payoff with the proximity bracelets, though. Maybe them just going for it, kissing as the bracelets beep. I know, that would've been a little schmaltzy, but any kind of payoff with the bracelets would've been nice.

Anyway, nice effort overall, twas a nice read.

-- Michael


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Gary Howell
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 3:38pm Report to Moderator
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I wish I could just steal Libby's review, because she said everything I was thinking, including changing the title to "Proximity Alert".  I also was hoping they were going to rebel at the end and cut them loose and run off together.  That would have been a great ending, in my opinion.

This was light and breezy, a Hallmark take on the pandemic.  I enjoyed it, as it was well-written and had lots of heart.  Going for a different ending would have made this shine even more I think.  Best of luck,


My web site and scripts can be found here:

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Rob
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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I think this script has nailed what dating might be like going forward. The proximity bracelets and red circles were nice touches. Great way to end--I'm glad you kept them apart. This is the When Harry Met Sally of quarantine romance scripts. My only suggestion is to think of a bit more conflict. Felt like it needed just a bit. Maybe they speculate on what they would have done if circumstances were normal--and maybe that leads to some disagreement. Nice work.
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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As I've said, I really don't want to bring up exact issues, but when they're so obvious, I feel like I have to.

Starting OVER BLACK just doesn't make any sense that I can see, and then your FADE IN should be left aligned.

Opening passage needs to be broken up and you spelled ceiling wrong.

Hmmm...

Well, I think you could have really had something here, but as is, it doesn't work at all, at least for me.

There are moments when the dialogue seems to be working and these 2 to actually have some character and chemistry, but it never goes literally anywhere, and IMO, you totally blew the ending, which could have been funny, touching, bittersweet...something.  As is, it's nothing.

Biggest issues for me - You didn't set this up at all, and it really hurts the read/story.  Where are we?  When does this take place?  Why can they go to a restaurant together, but talk about spending all their time in their places?  Why doesn't the waiter have a band on?  What's the point of the automated voice - as in who knows about it and who cares about it?

For me, nothing here really works or makes sense, but it's not a bad effort at all.  It needs more time and thought, and definitely needs to say something and end on a note that's at least interesting, if not much more.

***


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PKCardinal
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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I'll be contrary... I liked the ending. That's the world we live in right now... nothing ever seems to go anywhere. Like, nothing CAN happen.

That said... there wasn't any established downside to triggering the alert. So, they could have stolen a kiss, gotten the alert, and there would have been no visible downside. (Except, of course, dying a horrific death from catching something.)

Maybe just adding a line or two of dialogue would be enough... "That's two alerts. You know what happens on the third." "Maybe I think it'd be worth it."

You wouldn't even have to tell us exactly what would happen... just that something would.

Still, solid work. I enjoyed it.


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Dan_P
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 7:25pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this quite a bit - simple and great idea. I was expecting something more to happen at the end, but I'm not at all disappointed by the ending you went for - it left me "unsatisfied" in a good, bittersweet way

The dialogue was charming, but I think it could be more interesting in places and make us feel more for your characters and their predicament. It makes sense, that they would have sort of adapted to that world, but them missing the "good old days" could be a bigger, more dramatic issue.

As others have said, the wristbands and their consequences could be more clear. They are of course more than just a nuisance for the owners, but only at the end did I feel like the characters felt threatened by them. I think you could raise the stakes here.

No real problems with the writing itself - it was a quick, enjoyable read. Well done!
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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The writer of this is going to hate me. This wasn't my thing at all. I felt it was really boring. Two boring people on a boring date where the only interesting thing that happened was the proximity alert wristband. I liked that. Maybe because I'm old and don't date, but I just didn't get why anyone would bother with a date out like this at all.

To me, it would have been more interesting if either the characters were more opposite of each other, so we could have some sort of drama/conflict going on or if they really hit it off and were hot on each other, I would've liked to see how they handled that situation.

Nice idea that need much more to be entertaining. At least to me. Feel free to ignore me. I'm old.


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Spqr
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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It is boring being in a lockdown, and this story confirms that it could get more boring. I don't know if writing about two people content to be bored was the right dramatic choice to make. There is no conflict here, only some minor angst of the "should I or shouldn't I?" variety.
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