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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2020 Challenge  ›  Our Own Good - May OWC Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    Our Own Good - May OWC  (currently 275 views)
Don
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 10:39am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Our Own Good by A Man in Black - Short, Drama - A woman has second thoughts about the CORVID-19 vaccine. Some thoughts should be kept to yourself. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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spesh2k
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
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Alright, this is my 2nd attempt at commenting on this... I already wrote a review but the website conked out on me after I hit "post reply".

Anyway, this was well written, overall. Though, on page 1, when we're taken into the tent, there should be a new scene heading INT. TENT.

The writer does a great job of capturing the chaos that can ensue in such a scenario. There's also some good visuals here, specifically the DRONE POV shot. The story really plays on our fears and does a good job of exploiting some of the kooky yet not-too-farfetched conspiracy theories that people keep coming up with. And it shows just how dangerous one person's POV can be, especially when that POV catches on with others.

Overall, a well written effort that I thoroughly enjoyed.

-- Michael


MY FEATURE FILMS:

THE SUICIDE THEORY (79% Rotten Tomato Score, Available on Amazon Prime, Itunes, Google Play, Youtube, etc) - https://youtu.be/5eaXXOKJvtg

RAGE (coming late 2020/early 2021) - https://vimeo.com/402447622

Check out my latest horror script, HONEY MUSTARD - https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-horror/m-1585433547/
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ajr
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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So I like the chaotic, dystopian world that this portrays in only 6 months.

For me, I would have liked it heavier on the intercourse between persons and lighter on the high-tech crowd suppression methods.

As for world-building... is the vaccine mandatory? If so then Angie does not really have a change of heart, she's instead a dissident. So I would try to spend more time with her up front once the page count restriction is lifted.

I enjoyed the nature of this, the commentary of using the virus as a method of controlling the masses. "What's next, ghettos?" was a very good line.

Nice job -

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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eldave1
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm.

I liked it.

I would have liked to see a more effective counter-puncher to your heroine. Would have made it more interesting.

The chaos that developed was well-written. Nice job on visuals there.

The ending left me a bit unsatisfied. There's a single protest that grows into a larger one - the cops show up and - ??? Shut er down I guess.  




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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_ghostwriters
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
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Storywise it was concise and clean, but I was hoping for some sort of twist at the end.  Didn’t get it. I guess it plays out the way you intended.  Loved the chaos, I liked Angie's spunk.  Overall though, I did enjoy this. Not much to add.-A


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 5:38am Report to Moderator
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For me, this doesn't meet the criteria of "Can realistically be filmed with limited actors and sets."

Although well written it feels like someone who is fairly new to screenplays as it's overwritten and just needs a tidy up to read leaner, but the story is fine and reflects what is going on at the moment.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Gary Howell
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
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I guess I was okay with it.  The writing was fine enough but it sort of just felt one-sided.  No one was willing to present the side for the vaccine, which, believe me, in a crowd like that, you would have had plenty of people arguing for taking the vaccine.  Plus the only argument she gave against the vaccine was the automatic tracking of people, presumably those who were carrying the virus.  But that really isn't an argument against the vaccine, just against government intrusion overall.  To be effective, it feels like they all were forced to come there to take a vaccine that had not been effectively tested yet.  Maybe the vaccine caused very bad side effects and perhaps even killed people.  Maybe people are already grumbling coming off the bus so we know the mood.

But, having said all that, I did like how Angie hightailed it at the first sign of trouble.  That was an interesting turn of events.  I was also curious about the shutting off of the monitors at the end by some mysterious man in black.  Why make him mysterious and only introduce him at the very end?  Were the monitors shut off because they planned on shooting all the protestors?  wasn't exactly clear to me.  Still, a good job on this one.  Best of luck.


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with Mark on this "Can realistically be filmed with limited actors and sets."

Other than that, I liked it. It's quite scary when something calm and orderly suddenly grows into an angry mob and things get out of hand.

I didn't get the ending, so I felt a bit let down by the time I finished. Endings are important.


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khamanna
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
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I liked where it was going but I think you were more subtle about all of it.
The setting is way too expensive - subtlety there.
Also, she somehow started too strong. I wish she was subtle or cunning.
And if she is like that she wouldn't stand in line and enter the tent. She'll have some kind of followers and start the parade against the vaccine.  Otherwise why she would she be standing in line waiting quietly at the beginning?
Also, a lot of exclamations marks, it's like they are shouting all the time. I wish there were more of ups and downs in the script.
Other than that, it's a different setting and different story which is good. Overall I liked it more than I disliked it.
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Arundel
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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Another good frightening look into the future. Could really picture this. Felt as if I was right there. Could picture myself rolling my eyes at the sound of Angie's voice, lol.

Only issue is the riot that she brought on was too quick. At first the other character in line is not agreeing with her but then he is the first to assault one of the guards (right?).

Liked the military-industrial feel and base-camp atmosphere.
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Bayne
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
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This plays very well as a big-budget set piece. Excellent job world building and creating tension... however, character-wise, we know nothing about Angie, the young man, or any of the guards. I would have liked at least one of these characters to be fleshed out so I could be more invested. As it stands, you're describing an event more than a complete story. Not bad by any means, but could be vastly improved if more focus was put on character development.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 9:43am Report to Moderator
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Perhaps a bit big budget for this challenge

The idea that a vaccine could be quickly enforced is realistic. And also how people will feel about could be divisive

To be attached to the woman perhaps we could meet her before, hear how she doesn’t have a choice.

I did like the way it escalates but the ending was a tad strange.

All the best


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Rob
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 10:26pm Report to Moderator
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There are a lot of anxieties addressed--forced immunization of an unproven vaccine, mandatory tracking via our devices, etc. This feels like something that could happen. It's interesting that the protagonist/instigator ducks out when the chips are down. There's something truthful about that. I didn't quite get the hand turning off the monitor at the end. Maybe heavier things are in store. This is an effective short script overall.
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LC
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 11:53pm Report to Moderator
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This is really good! Very nicely written action pieces, love the drones, etc.  

But...

A coupla typos (below) and grammar probs, but otherwise a clean, fast read with terrific escalation of tension and a main character I could really get behind.

You did all that so well, but ...I dunno, maybe you just couldn't work out where to go plot-wise.

A few GRUNTS of affirmation is heard in the crowd.
Are heard.
Or: can be heard.
Busses - Typo.

You wrote all the action so well,  quite apart from the budget and cast needed.

The but is: you committed a cardinal sin imho, by ditching your protagonist. It's her story!

Despite this, thanks for entering, it was very entertaining and you painted the visuals of this scary quite believable scenario very well. Just don't rip me off next time, okay?

P.S. Not sure about the estrogen argument.


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The Moviegoer
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 10:25am Report to Moderator
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This is a very well written piece of action. It was very evocative with a real sense of place.

Angie’s diatribe was gripping and impactful, just the type of soundbytes to get a crowd riled. I could sense the crowd changing as she spoke. There was a real rhythm and cadence to the unfolding action.  

However, I’m not sure if a riot would have just started ad hoc like that – maybe if there were some protesters already there outside the fence it might have been more believable than a bunch of people who were already en route to get vaccinated. The guy changing sides didn’t really ring true – even though I guess he’s just being swept up in the moment.

The end in the camera room felt anticlimactic – a manicured finger represents the elites controlling the minions I presume but not sure how that would come across visually and might be missed by an audience.

It’s a good piece of action writing but overall it felt thematically ambiguous. If the point was Angie’s regret over what she started that should have been hammered home more in the ending. Show her watching it from a bar or something as she catches her breath – show somebody dying and we see the horrific realisation in her eyes.

It felt like a scene from a film rather than a film in and of itself.


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