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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2020 Challenge  ›  I Scream, You Scream... - May OWC Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    I Scream, You Scream... - May OWC  (currently 313 views)
JEStaats
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 10:55am Report to Moderator
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That was quite good. Excellent flow and a full arc. Nicely done, writer.

A couple misspellings (e.g. Stret) and grammar issues but it's an OWC. It's interesting that through the years (I've only been here for four) so many OWC entries take place in and around ice cream shops! Anyone else notice that?

Great job - thanks for entering.
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khamanna
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
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It's a good story but I think the last page, which is the ending, and the ultimate punch to the story, will be lost to the viewer unless the ancor says something. Or maybe the man says something.
And why there is a man not in gear on a bench. I might have missed something there.
You could cut on some of it but that's a very good idea nd you played it well.
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PKCardinal
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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I'd like to see what this looks like if you completely lost the reporter. I'm betting it would be even stronger.

And, regarding the woman in the street, I'm torn. It's a great (horrible) moment, very important to the story, but somehow it felt out of place with the bigger story. Like, I either need a couple more moments like these to explain his mindset, or you need to save this particular scene for a different script. Almost an all or nothing feeling for me, story-wise.

That's probably confusing, so I'll try to say it another way...

Without the woman, it becomes the story of a man in his final moments, having already made his decision to die, making a last trip to the ice cream shop. Very strong.

With the woman, it's almost the story of the things that lead to his final break. Like I need to see one or two more things building to the break.

I hope that makes some sense.

Anyway, this was a really good script. Thanks for sharing!


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 22nd, 2020, 9:38am Report to Moderator
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I'm running out of time to get through these, so no exact notes, just thoughts.

For me, there's way too much VO with the Anchor and Scientist, but thinking back, I really don't quite get it, either, as in how...or why...are TV's still working and why are these 2 going over what happened years earlier?  Also, with the ending you chose, for me, it actually needs some VO or something to explain just how everything's OK all of a sudden.

Not naming your characters is always a problem for me, as I can't get behind a nameless character.

There are shades of many movies in here that we've all seen, so it really doesn't come off as anything unique.

I didn't like the end and didn't understand anything about the significance of the ice cream shop.

I did like the idea that trees were the cause - that's unique, just don't go The Happening route!  

Some writing errors and mistakes, but not badly written.

***


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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ajr
Posted: May 25th, 2020, 11:23am Report to Moderator
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Hey all,

Thanks for the reads and the comments. Glad that it provoked some thought and some different opinions.

The title was mentioned - if you google "I Scream, You Scream", you'll get tons of results on ice cream. So that was a nugget. I think it worked independently as well, since the word scream connotes horror.

I didn't name the man since he was never going to be addressed by anyone, and he was originally set to have no dialogue. I threw a line in at the last minute.

The V.O. - I didn't want use the trope of getting inside the protag's head and have him spoon feed the background, because that then becomes his opinion, filtered through his experience. The reason I start on the TV and introduce three different talking heads is so that they can continue to give us the facts as we ride along with the man. So how I visualized this is that is a documentary he's watched many times, and you "hear" the rest of it, as if he's home watching it, as the action unfolds.

I think this can be filmed. I took great pains to limit the actors and keep them apart. Though the scene with the woman would have to be creative. Motion is relative, and with the sound of an engine revving and a little forward motion and a loud THUD, you can convey a lot. And the ice cream store should be able to be done, since the protag is already wearing hazmat gear.

Some mentioned being confused by the ending. No, he is not okay. I wasn't going to give him a line of dialogue, and then at the last minute I thought I'd stamp his choice with the "major Tom" line, an homage to Bowie where of course the astronaut sees so much beauty, he knows he can't top it, and, well, there you go...

Originally I was going to write this piece about global warming... the idea was that it was always 140 degrees out, and so the way to survive was refrigerated suits. Easily adapted to COVID since, as some of you noted, yes, trees can get viruses. So yeah, a social commentary on the fact that we may spend too much time outside too soon, and to our detriment.

And who hasn't been in their house during this whole thing and said "boy, I am DYING for some ice cream!"

(0:

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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