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It was competently written, didn't notice any glaring typos. I liked the idea that this story existed in a world that's REALLY hit with the lockdown and really extreme measures are taken to ensure people are stuck inside. It's pretty much playing on our most extreme fears of what COULD happen during a lockdown rather than what REALISTICALLY could happen. But, even then, who the fuck knows? If things get worse, maybe we will be locked in our houses, literally.
But, just so I got this right...
Paul killed the dog Pedro because he wanted to eat meat for once. And his wife, Rachel, who hasn't taken her meds, is really broken up about that... so we think. Instead, she's more broken up about something she did... killing her child because they were crying over the dog, Pedro. I hope I'm correct, here.
This was pretty grim, especially the behavior of the HAZMAT guys who kinda just take the child's body away, giving the couple a slap on the wrist, essentially. But maybe there's no way to lock anybody up in a prison for any crimes during this stage of the lockdown? I'll buy it, I guess.
Anyway, nice effort. It was dark and depressing, but I like shit like that.
This is the other place I was bothered. SPOILER ALERT
PAUL Itís true. I did. So what? How was I supposed to know they would go batshit crazy over a dead dog? All that screaming. They went on for hours until she finally lost it and ended it. A horrible thing really. Hazmat #1 is even more confused.
PAUL I think she forgot to take her meds that day.
HAZMAT #1 When this is over, there will be an official investigation.
If I get the story - the dude kills the dog - somehow that sends Mother and child off the deep-end and Mother kills child. So assuming I got that --
Hard to believe they would just leave murder suspects in the apartment. Would have worked better for me if they dragged her off. AND
Aside from that - dark - nicely done. I could feel the tone to my bones.
Well, this was dark and twisted. People love their animals. Sometimes they do crazy things when something happens to them. A thought. Overall, this was a smooth read. Nothing tripped me up. Entertaining. Good job.
"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."
I had to re-read the story after reading the comments because when I read that "two other hazmat guys walk toward the front door" I do not recall them entering the apartment, and I thought they were taking the child's body out of another apartment. Then I read Paul's dialogue and it made sense. He says "they" though - is there more than 1 child?
Definitely a COVID-y world. Has to be set in the not-to-distant future though, because we are obviously not at this point yet. So the 5 week time period from marriage and having a job to a forced government incarceration seems a bit short. My super-nitpicky self asks where they are getting their groceries in a complete, forced lockdown, and why Paul can't get meat, which is kind of the plot turn that the story hinges on.
Great job otherwise on starting out dark and then hitting the gas pedal!
So this headed to the dark side quickly! Dog-killing, child-killing, alcoholic, drug addict, you have them all here in one small space!
I like the writing. Obviously a good writer at work here, but I guess I want someone to root for here. Seems like I'm rooting against everyone. Dark can work really well (e.g., Joker, Breaking Bad, etc.). But there's always some offset in those movies to make you feel like you are invested in the characters. Some redeeming qualities that give you some hope. There's no one with redeeming qualities here.
Still, a solid story and good writing skills. Best of luck.
Solid writing and structure... but boy is this dark! Makes me feel better about our COVID-19 situation. Nothing to add here. You knew the tone you wanted to create, and you executed a complete story in four pages. Nice work.
Dear writer thank you for sharing this story. I enjoyed it and liked the twist at the end. You left some open space for questions, imagination and discontent. So your job is done properly, I guess. Thank you very much.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr